Resignation
“Why do you have a condom in your wallet?”
“What?”
“Why do you have a frikking condom in your wallet? We were apart for 3 months, dude. Are you kidding me?!”
“Better to be safe than sorry. I was doing a lot of drinking…”
And so my day begins.
Seven years: and I’ve had eyes for nobody else. I deserve so much better than this. This winter had been near unbearable. I admit that I didn’t allow myself to think about “my man” at all, which is why I didn’t post anything about him here, because I didn’t allow myself to drown in memories of us. Too much of that can take you down like a bad ship. So I’ve been in survival mode trying to keep afloat academically, and sort out my personal life.
Most of my female friends, if not all, try to fill the emptiness and loneliness after a breakup almost immediately with another mate. They do the online dating thing and scout about for a warm body. They don’t allow themselves time to grieve or mourn and really FEEL the pain. Perhaps I’m wrong for doing so, but I embrace the pain. I welcome it. Because it tells me that what I had with my mate was real. It was valuable. It meant something.
So I carry on during his absence- every time- alone. Not wanting him back right away, no. But still having eyes for nobody else because I feel I owe him that much. Seven years. How could I even consider thinking about finding somebody else? The idea repulses me because I gave that man every inch of my heart.
When you love somebody this hard- “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t exist.
I carry on alone and “keep the fort”; and so I did over the long winter- feeling as if my heart had been locked away in a cryogenic chamber, unable to feel great love anymore, or great passion.
But carry on alone I certainly did.
You?
I had hoped for better. I had hoped that the love you gave would have been just as honest and faithful. Oh this wicked game…
Out of sight, out of mind.
Condom.
In your wallet.
And so you will never have me again.
I’ll go back to my corner.
There’s no fight.
No gloves.
No blood.
I resign.
It’s over.
m o n o c h r o m e j u n k i e † 