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Resignation

“Why do you have a condom in your wallet?”

“What?”

“Why do you have a frikking condom in your wallet?  We were apart for 3 months, dude. Are you kidding me?!”

“Better to be safe than sorry. I was doing a lot of drinking…”

 

And so my day begins.
Seven years: and I’ve had eyes for nobody else. I deserve so much better than this. This winter had been near unbearable. I admit that I didn’t allow myself to think about “my man” at all, which is why I didn’t post anything about him here, because I didn’t allow myself to drown in memories of us. Too much of that can take you down like a bad ship. So I’ve been in survival mode trying to keep afloat academically, and sort out my personal life.

Most of my female friends, if not all, try to fill the emptiness and loneliness after a breakup almost immediately with another mate. They do the online dating thing and scout about for a warm body. They don’t allow themselves time to grieve or mourn and really FEEL the pain. Perhaps I’m wrong for doing so, but I embrace the pain. I welcome it. Because it tells me that what I had with my mate was real. It was valuable. It meant something. 

So I carry on during his absence- every time- alone. Not wanting him back right away, no. But still having eyes for nobody else because I feel I owe him that much. Seven years. How could I even consider thinking about finding somebody else? The idea repulses me because I gave that man every inch of my heart.

When you love somebody this hard- “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t exist.
I carry on alone and “keep the fort”; and so I did over the long winter- feeling as if my heart had been locked away in a cryogenic chamber, unable to feel great love anymore, or great passion.
But carry on alone I certainly did.

You?
I had hoped for better. I had hoped that the love you gave would have been just as honest and faithful.  Oh this wicked game…

Out of sight, out of mind.
Condom.
In your wallet.

And so you will never have me again.
I’ll go back to my corner.
There’s no fight.
No gloves.
No blood.

I resign.

StillLovingYou

 

It’s over.

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16 responses

  1. yvo

    oh shit. was it old? as in put there a long time ago? Did he just forget it was there? Was he with anyone else while you were apart? You dont have to answer, that is my head grappling. effing A!! I am soo sorry to hear that. Oh Lordy, I am praying now as I go ride my exercise bike. Oh B. sigh.

    March 28, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    • Same thing, different day, right? At least there’s a bit of variety here. Last time it was his flirty emails with girls, “sexy texting with strangers”, loads of porn (naturally), and I suppose I’ve just been bitten for the last time.

      Yes, do pray for me: I’m praying for you too, gal. ;0) It’s fairly normal for 10 kinds of hell to break loose when you kick your praying and fasting up into high gear though, no? I see the bigger picture and I’m not deterred or dismayed. Just good and pissed. That’ll fade. ;0) But I’m joining you in the workout! I have two purple hand weights and I’m going to start training again. Only 30 minutes per day (5 days per week), but it’ll be enough to put a dent in this pudge…heheh.

      All is well still, Y. Truly. Ain’t nuttin’ I ain’t been through before. Thanks for being a great friend, always. XO

      March 28, 2014 at 3:44 pm

  2. yvo

    yep. I thought the same dang thing. Warfare cranks up a notch. I have gloves in the basement and I will start again because it really helps. Do you think he really doesn’t “get” this and playing on the edge? or is he totally hooked in this? It is also amazing how seamlessly one can glide from one addiction to another. pretty seen it a lot and I have done it too. Well you sound good and I will get praying. Onward aye? Oh Lordy! Hope you got your car fixed before this episode . . . x

    March 28, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    • Onward and upward. In a few more days, I’ll be sending you a few surprises in the mail. I’ll go ahead and tell you that I was going to surprise you and send flowers a few days ago when you were in the trenches. But, I wasn’t able to. But I’ll be squared away in 4 days so I’ll be sending something even better, and I know you’ll get a big kick out of the main present. So, enough about that- I don’t want to give it away!

      Today, I’m determined to be happy. The other night, one of my brothers brought me over some highly potent annointed oil (and water) after church. It’s been sitting on my shelf for over a week, untouched. I don’t take those things lightly: back in the Old Testament days, the oil was poured straight over their heads when they were annointed until it was running down their beards, etc.

      I haven’t felt the Lord pulling me over to it, so I’ve been waiting for that nudge. This morning, knowing that where there’s smoke- there’s fire (the devil comes along and blows his black smoke of “impossibility and hopelessness”- which is a perfect opportunity to acknowledge that the Lord’s FIRE is already on the scene to devour that smoke) and so in the midst of all of this chaos in both of our lives, I annointed myself, prayed, got down to some necessary spiritual business, and felt God’s thunder booming out.

      I used to get so scared when I knew the enemy was angry and coming after me. But that was many crucifixions ago…heh. By now I know to see the bigger picture, and I know that God is shaking up the mountain!

      There is no despair here. So you just ride that exercise bike, Y, and sing songs of joy and praise! Jesus has already conquered all and I feel a great victory here for both of us.

      Keep your eye on the mailbox. ;0)

      March 28, 2014 at 4:33 pm

  3. F*cking scumbag men!! (though women can be just as bad), You deserve so much better, you really do xx

    March 28, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    • Seriously, right? (Sigh.) In all of this I’m learning.

      Good seeing you. 🙂 Hope you’re enjoying your new lens and feeling well enough to get out a bit!

      March 28, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      • I’m doing good 🙂 things are definitely looking like they are going in the right direction now. I absolutely ADORE the lens, I’ve not really used it to it’s full potential yet but it’s a real beauty.

        March 28, 2014 at 4:52 pm

      • You’re going to totally rock it out this summer- I have no doubt, and I can’t wait to see the evidence. 🙂

        March 28, 2014 at 4:54 pm

  4. I also like to take time to grieve a relationship. I have been single for over a year now. I didn’t grieve that one, but I needed to recover. I think it is important to be alone, too. Being comfortable with being alone makes you a better partner to the next person. I am holding space for you.

    March 28, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    • I feel the same way. When I was a teen, I was immature and didn’t want to be alone so I would’ve rather had another boyfriend. Now, that concept is completely alien to me. I could never do it. A breakup or separation is very much a death. And yes, it deserves its grievance period: I think both parties should do that and both parties deserve it. That’s what bothered me the most, I suppose. He didn’t grieve, but rather purchased condoms and was immediately on the prowl. It really doesn’t get any lower (or grosser) than that.

      Thanks for popping in. Love your point of views, always. :0)

      March 28, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      • Maybe it goes without saying, but you deserve better. And you will find better.

        March 28, 2014 at 7:38 pm

      • Thanks. I do appreciate that. x

        March 28, 2014 at 8:33 pm

  5. Ugh, I’m sorry :-/ I remember some of what you’ve said about him and he does not deserve you– AT ALL. But still, it hurts. Maybe this is the last phase of morning, the last push to look ahead.

    I share your mourning period sort of response after a breakup– I’ve never been able to look to someone new as a comfort. There’s been an entire year between all of my relationships. (okay, except the Druggie Man Child who I broke up with like a week before I met The Boyfran– but he wasn’t a relationship, just some sort of weird phase I had to go through before I died).

    Keep your chin up, at least the winter is almost over.

    March 29, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    • before I died <<< Heheh…I hear you.

      Some people were put on this world to be so freaking weird, that they make other people feel really really happy and there's no explaining it. It just is. Well Mrs. Aussa, you're one of those people. You're SO weird, that you make me look "normal" and I love that!

      🙂

      Thanks for the pep talk. 😉

      (Druggie Man Child…ha.)

      March 29, 2014 at 4:04 pm

  6. *heartsqueeze* That’s the worst. so so sorry, I know it burns, but what an a-hole. He doesn’t deserve you. *hugs*

    April 2, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    • Men. What do you do, eh? (Sigh…) I appreciate your support! Thankfully, things are better now.

      April 3, 2014 at 9:35 am

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