Chasing Rabbits (and Big Dreams)
I read an article the other day in which a woman said, “A person who chases two rabbits at the same time catches neither in the end.” Thanks Taylor Swift.
It’s 4:10 a.m. and I’m just getting out of the shower. My head is throbbing again; I’m trying to stave off another migraine. I haven’t had a head-smasher in about 6 weeks- that’s a record for me! I ate en entire bag of Swedish Fish though and it’s trying to bite me in the ass: sugar is the enemy! (And I’m slightly addicted to Swedish Fish.)
I’m fresh out of Ambien; hence my insomnia. I was too lazy to go to the doctor, so…here I sit, editing pics and contemplating my future in the early wee morning hours! And on that note, I’m pretty sure I’m only 15 credit hours away from receiving my Bachelor’s in psychology. I have almost 100 credit hours so far; I’m pretty stoked about that. 🙂
I’ve decided that I’m going to try and get into Indiana University Southeast’s Master’s-to-PhD Clinical Psychology program in another year or so. Once I get my foot in the door- it’s a given- I’ll be in. So, it’s crucial that I keep my grades up because the competition in grad. schools is fierce! I’m going to have to really up my game when that time comes. Staying on the Dean’s List is very important. I raise the bar super high for myself so that if I don’t meet my standards and end up falling short, I’ll still succeed. And, I’m thinking about getting a dual Master’s degree- one in Clinical psychology and one in Social Work (M.S.W.); I’m going to need all of the extra tools in my bag that I can get. I’m betting that if I get a master’s degree in social work and a master’s in clinical psychology (minoring in forensic psych.) as well as my PhD in Clinical- I’ll be set. So, that’s what I’m aiming for. It’s ambitious as hell, but I’m an ambitious kinda gal.
In other news, I’m shocked (but not really) that Doggy Daddy hasn’t even requested to see his dog (or spend time with him) – not even once. 😦 It’s heart breaking. Who could walk away from a baby this cute?!
I really shouldn’t be surprised. Same thing, different year. On the other side of the coin though, it’s given Chance and I time to bond even more. I’ve had to fill in the gap and really make sure that he (my dog) isn’t suffering in Doggy Daddy’s absence. And, he’s not. But don’t let me get started on THAT.
Life has been super quiet lately. I can’t say I haven’t enjoyed the peace and quiet and the restoration of sanity in general. It hasn’t been easy! My heart is still raw and I’m still confused and bewildered that Josh and I aren’t even friends any more- we don’t speak. At all. It’s…very weird. But I suppose that’s how it has to be. I’m alright with it. As much as I want to divulge all sorts of juicy tidbits here, I’ll refrain. I don’t owe that man one more thing, but I do owe him the decency of not railing on him if he’s not here to defend himself. I’ll give him that.
Sometimes, it’s a struggle to find my peace and smile throughout the day. I wrestle to do that in the wake of such a hideous breakup. (Then again, it’s only been a little over a month since parting ways.) But I know that I’m capable of great love and great compassion. If I were to lose those two components within me, I’d be nothing. So those are the things that I strive to hold onto more than anything: my love and compassion for my fellow human being. Generally, that’s not hard for me to do, love. But breaking up with the love of your life has a way of destroying innocent things and feelings; it pollutes beauty, and in the end, can leave a thick, evil feeling in your heart. It can be a real battle just to breathe sweet air again- but thank God those feelings don’t last. For some people, they actually become those feelings, until they’re hateful rotten shells of their former selves.
But I know me, and I know my heart. I’ll come out of this a winner. Stronger in love for it. 🙂
I’m not quite there yet! But I will be. And I can still smile and feel like a child inside. That’s a precious thing to me. Life is still sweet. ♥
Spring break is officially over and I have to get started soon on my 7 page term paper/literature review on OCD.
Short term goal: finishing my term paper
Long term goal: becoming a doctor/psychologist
One day at a time.
Making the Grades
So my midterm results are in:
Behavioral Neuroscience exam: 233/250
Cognitive Psychology exam: 142/160
Overall results: two strong A’s in both classes.
Go me! Go me! And today is the first day of spring break. I’m alright with that.
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4/ film lens Ohio River Construction- down by the riverside
Specimen
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon (film) 35/2.4/bedroom lamp
Pressure Cooker Squared
I’ve got until Sunday to cover 400 pages- midterms. [Insert scream here!]
Midterms (and finals) are always so much freaking pressure! I’m still at a B+ in Behavioral Neuroscience and a strong A in Cognitive Psychology, but any ole way you slice it- midterms are crazy. I find myself using straight up avoidance (which is actually worse than denial, because at least with denial, you’re not always aware that you’re in denial, but with avoidance, it’s sort of like knowing you’re in denial and choosing to do so anyway- and yes, I’m aware that I’m starting to sound like a psychologist!) and so it’s Friday night and I’m down to the wire.
What am I doing? Installing Still Life II. I actually get to be the detective and the abducted person who’s trapped in the psycho serial killer’s booby trap-laden house (think : “Saw”).
Avoidance. Utter, blatant avoidance.
But fun! 🙂
And this is for you, Gav. I know you’ve been down lately, and you’re not feeling much inspired, but I want you to know just how much you inspire me. I have so much respect for you because over the past 8 years or so that I’ve known you (originally from Redbubble) but here too these past few years, you go out – day after day- and shoot nothing but black and white/monochrome. Street scenes, people- life. And, you have a prominent talent with shadows and lighting- which I love. I’ve only shared this with one other person, but I’ve decided to devote an entire year- all of 2015- to solely black and white/monochromatic photography. No colour allowed! For an entire year. it’s going to be great. 🙂 So, while you feel “blah” lately, please know that your work and talent continues to inspire others. This is for you:
Semi-pano/old military factory in my town- Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.5 film- FRIGID COLD- love ya, buddy! x p.s. Congratz on your show/exhibition last month!
I Hate the Word “Feminist”
I’ve been reading a boatload of crap lately, online. A lot of what I’m reading are women who claim to be “feminists” but yet, they’re the very people who are perpetuating gender inequality!
Take for example the multi-billion dollar cosmetic industries: Maybeline, Cover Girl, Max Factor. The majority of the people I see who claim to be staunch feminists are caked in heavy make-up, but yet they say that they want to be treated with the same respect as men. (And stuff.) If you really want to be treated like a man, or- at least be in the same ball park– ditch the heavy make-up. (Heavy is the key word here.) At least to a high degree- for starters. And, go au naturale in the shaving department. Yep. Believe me…you’ll be treated like a man!
And while we’re on the subject…using words like “feminist” is sexist.
It kind of defeats the whole purpose of “being treated equally”, doesn’t it? I mean, there’s no equal male counterpart for the word. At all. Masculist? Masculinist? Interesting.
So, as long as we continue favouring, preferring, and using strong words like “feminism”, especially in 2015- I don’t think we can expect to be treated anything differently than “just a woman”.
I can back my talk up, by the way. I neither shave my legs nor wear more than blush and sheer lipgloss. I may end up going “full commando” at some point (and by that I mean, ditching the lipgloss and blush altogether- but don’t count on it) but I feel it’s so minimal that it doesn’t hinder me at all in feeling “natural”.
While it seems like I’m slamming “feminists”, I’m really not. I just hate the word. I hate that we, as females, have to even use a word so that we can “feel equal”. I say we destroy the word altogether and be independent agents– representing our souls and spirits and inner beauty– not our genders. As long as we’re “pointing out that there’s an elephant in the room”- there’s going to be an elephant in the room.
My 2 cents.
Rant out- on to the midterms!
And on that note, here’s a self portrait- caked in heavy makeup for the camera. 🙂 Circa: 2007
Cut & Dried
Dried flower stems in a small vase. Simple. Beautiful.
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film lens/Canon Rebel XSI. (Taken yesterday) 3.9.15
A Salute to the Broken-Hearted
This is for you, whoever you are. You, who have been destroyed by “the one who loved you”. I too have been destroyed- not by love, but by hate. Because the one that I loved used me, abused me, and in the end- discarded me as rubbish.
Me! Of all people. It’s true.
This is proof that even the strong become weak in the race of love. You can only hope that you can hobble your way to a shaded tree in the end, and take refuge.
I was destroyed by a man who I gave my heart to. And he toyed with me. Like a cat.
With porn.
With hate.
With rage.
With pay-backs.
With more porn.
With stalking me.
With even MORE porn.
He betrayed me to the depths.
In the end, he destroyed me.
The worst of all, is that he believes that it is I who destroyed him.
Ahh…but isn’t that how it goes?
So I’m moving on. I write this to say, whoever you are, that I too know what it’s like to be utterly destroyed by a man, or “significant other” who you believe shelters your heart- like no other.
It’s a lie.
And on that note, I take my leave. I’m devastated, shattered, and in a million pieces on the floor.
No doubt I’ll be back! Someday, when I’m whole again.
Until then, I’m MIA.
Grey days are here again. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4- bedroom window. 3.1.15
m o n o c h r o m e j u n k i e † 