photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

Feeling Fat

Fluffy, Not Fat

I feel…SO pregnant. My tubes were cut, tied, and burned 20+ years ago, and while it’s rare to conceive a child after all that, it does happen. I really do believe I’ve had a number of ectopic pregnancies in the past 5 years or so, given the evidence at the time. That’s not uncommon. Most ectopic pregnancies self-abort, and although it all happens without much incident, the emotions (of being pregnant) are very real and very much the same. I’m now caught in a semi-pseudo- (or not) preggers limbo of sorts- the kind that many women dread and for good reason. Home pregnancy tests (HPT) are negative while having every symptom of pregnancy known to man. The problem with this scenario is that the body is not yet producing enough HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) to result in a positive HPT, so the woman is left feeling as if it’s all in her head and the symptoms are merely phantom. It can really mess with the head.

And so the problem with this scenario is that she can truly be very pregnant, but her hormone levels are still too low to trigger a positive, and for whatever reason (mostly, if it’s eptopic), has a miscarriage, which is then perceived as a late period- just heavier than usual. So it’s its own little hell- all of it. I’m laid up on the couch with a heating pad on my lower right kidney; I can’t tell if it’s a bum kidney or a pulled muscle. Whatever it is hurts like the dickens. Also, I skipped my period last month, altogether, which never happens, and I haven’t had one this month either- but the HPT I just took read negative (of course!).

Because of my age (48), there’s a new uninvited guest who crashes this little party I’m having here and it’s called perimenopause.  Now, the hot flashes that I’m having (which are also a sign of early pregnancy) and sudden weight gain (ditto) aaaaand heart palpitations (yep, those too) can all be ticked off in either category, so that makes it super fun and mysterious!

And I swear I’ve been feeling little thuds deep within my being, very much like little kicks or movements which are not gas. Any fetus at this stage would be developing its CNS, so little shocks are flushing through its system, which accounts for the little jerks and thuds that are felt. I’ve waited 25 years to go back to school and begin my career. I put my kids first, always, and now it’s finally “my turn”.

Or is it?!

So I asked Josh to make me some mushroom rice last night. This is what he bright me:
And some pics from our mushroom hunt the other day at Henryville Forestry/Clark State Forest, after the rain. Shot in monochrome/experimental high ISO (3200) f/18 using the Super Tak SMC f/4 50 MM vintage film lens.

Until next time, WP. Back to “Behind Mansion Walls”.
And some random pics of my guy, Josh, over the years. My best friend and THE love of my life. ❤
(Cue romantic music)

Not Fat, Fluffy

Let’s face it, I’m fat.

I’m 5’6 and weigh 164 lbs. How did this happen to me?!

I need to lose 40 lbs, simply put. I’ve never had to diet in my life! Sigh. I’m so 43…

So I’ve found this fabulous site that teaches you how to lose 10 lbs. in 10 days. I’m going to (angrily) give it a shot. Goodbye frozen pumpkin yogurt in warm, fresh, homemade waffle cones.

Goodbye order-in Chinese. Goodbye real butter slathered on my baked potatoes swimming in sea salt. Goodbye Ben and Jerry’s!

I may as well get it over with and kiss the traffic. Seriously. My life IS food.


on the lighter side of things, I’m still waiting to hear back from my adviser, on whether or not I’ll be able to return to school in the spring. I’m 4 classes away from my degree and have fought so hard through so much- and may now have hit a brick wall with financial aid. The recent car accident has thrown a wrench into everything.

Poor J. The doctor found polyps on/in him. Also, he’s going to have to have his neck decompressed for the next two months- and then- (wait for it!) have physical therapy on his neck twice per week for the next year. A frikking year!!

We’ve been fighting lately. Things have been so crazy and chaotic- at this point- I’m looking forward to a break. I mean, the kind of break you take in your jammies…driving around smiling (widely), camera in hand, because the cloud formations are so freaking beautiful. Real tears. Clouds! Yeah. That kind of break.

So, yes. If my adviser tells me that I’ll need to wait until the fall (2013) to return- I’ll send her a thank you note.

I have one day left until this “diet” begins.

I think I’ll gorge on apple slices…