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Bad Photography 101

There are literally hundreds of tutorials out there that instruct future photogs on “good photography”; how to improve your photographic techniques, how to take slamming pics, process them successfully, etc. but there are few, if any, “bad photography” lessons out there for the masses who actually like the trout pout and the Myspace arm. (Go on, Google it. I’ll wait!)  If you are inclined to take pics of yourself late into the night, twisting your mouth to and fro into hundreds of positions (but still, strikingly the same) as if you are truly surprised –we believe you (it’s cute!) – then this post is for you, and I am here to help.

Exhibit A
Image

Notice the processing. My skin is like- all yellow and cool looking. It’s called “cross processing”, and really, it’s a fad that’s here to stay. Very popular with Instagram and other quickie programs. (And who doesn’t love Instagram?) If you haven’t done cross processing, well, you haven’t really lived yet.

Also, notice my skin. It’s like melted cheese. This is what you want! There’s a nifty little tool called the “skin smoothener”. If you use it just a little bit, it makes it look “real” (we don’t want that) so hit it up a few more times. Like, 4 more. Ok. You’ll know when you have it right because it starts looking glisteny- like Vaseline. (That’s what you’re after.) If it looks like a slice of cheese- not good! If it looks like a slice of cheese that’s been in the sun after three hours? Bingo. You are doing it!

K. Let’s move on.
See the expression in my eyes? Believe it or not, that took like…forty shots to get it right. The look you’ll want to try and capture should be something like this:

Image

(That’s Naidu. My deer friend who lives in the park.)

Just the face. (And especially the eyes.) Try to look surprised, but kind of like, “Oh. I didn’t know that camera was at the end of my hand. Are you serious?!!”

Let’s keep moving.
Notice the mouth. This suggests that you are in fact, surprised that you’re on camera, but yet mega- in charge of everything in your life. Like you’re saying, “I got this- oh I got this.” It’s alright if you give a little head pop when you click the shutter (or snap the button). It actually helps to emphasize the trout pout, which is extremely important. You do not want to be out-trouted by your Facebook friends…no no no. No no.

Lastly, we have what I have coined the “Myspace Arm”, years ago. The Myspace Arm was a pioneer in its own right. Anybody and everybody who had Myspace (back in the day) absolutely lived by it. Although Facebook has quietly taken the crown of Myspace, the Myspace arm is practically mandatory for all social networking platforms. (Let’s give credit where credit is due, huh?) Well done, Myspace!

There are hundreds of bad photography tips I could impart unto you, but this pretty much sums up the most important ones that you’ll need to learn, if you want to be “up to snuff” in the “bad photo-selfie genre”. (And let’s face it, we all have bad selfies. We just don’t all post them.)

If you’re going to do it, do it up right.

Signing off.

Yours truly,

-B. Lindsey

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7 responses

  1. hehe….love it!

    March 21, 2013 at 4:56 am

  2. claude

    Now, THAT should go into the “Nontest”! I hear SP’s are ALLLLL the rage over there! :-p

    And thanks for this, Hon! I always THOUGHT I was a pretty crappy photographer…but now I see I have some SERIOUS bonin’ up to do!!! :))

    March 21, 2013 at 9:00 am

    • Gotta love that nontest, huh, C? But the nontest ain’t got NOTHIN’ on Facebook. Some people actually have over 1,000 “friends”- can you believe it? (Um, I’d rather eat shrapnel than to tell myself I’m that great.) I did actually Google “Bad Photography Lessons” and – nada. And you know me, always happy to help. heheh… I hope you’re having a slamming good day. 😉 xo

      March 21, 2013 at 10:08 am

  3. HILARIOUS and yet so true!!! I’m unsure what is up with the duck lips? I really do not get that. I’m sure I tried that pose in the camera before but I have no evidence because I deleted them all hahahah. There is nothing attractive about it!!

    March 21, 2013 at 10:48 am

    • I’m telling ya, sister. I have seen the duck mouth taking OVER. And you’re right, it is not attractive! (Being a photographer, you don’t even want to see the bad pics I’ve got laying around) but come on with the trout pout already, ya know?! Also, it’s kind of scary to think about someone taking 200 (or more) pics of his or her own duck-mouth at 4 a.m. thinking it’s a “good thing”. That’s something that I would send somebody to therapy over if I were a counselor. [insert creepy duck-mouth emoticon here]

      March 21, 2013 at 10:58 am

  4. Awesome! I’ve never tried “cross processing” before. Do you do it in photoshop? Please excuse my ignorance! 😛 I’m still relatively new to the graphic arts and photo thing, but I must check this “cross processing” thing out!

    P.S. I totally LOVE your deer friend. HA! 😉

    March 21, 2013 at 11:13 am

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