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The Looking Glass

It’s 2:50 a.m.
Chance is going nuts, ripping and running around the living room. I just gave him a bath. Brian Bob is chilling in his room- Brianna- the same. I should be sleeping, or doing homework, but I’ve just downloaded Tex Murphey: Overseer. Gaming is one of my coping mechanisms, much like millions of other people. Until my heart heals, I’ll trudge along the motions of my life- school, cleaning, cooking, sleeping, etc. and slip away into my game as often as possible. I just can’t process any more raw emotion at this time. Tex Murphy is a welcome escape.

I’m torn between another pistachio and almond ice cream cone and Guinness Extra Stout. I have a 6 pack in the fridge and it whispers to me. I keep forgetting to drink one. I  decide on lemon and ginger tea with honey instead. I’ve had a migraine for two days now. (Imagine that.) I can’t do this again tomorrow. After two days, my mind starts fracturing into tiny bits of livewire pain- sizzling every nerve until it’s raw and jittery. It does little good to complain other than to serve as a reminder that I’m still suffering. It too is a welcome escape from the pain in my heart.

There’s nothing one can do but ride the wave of heartache after a breakup. One of my x’s is all over me like white on rice- I’m disgusted. He thinks it might be a good time to squeeze back in. I think it’s highly disrespectful and pretty insulting to me. I know people do that- the rebound thing- but if you’re crawling away from the battlefield of one relationship, why would you hop into the trenches of another? That doesn’t make any sense to me, and it’s the furthest thing from my mind. (And heart.) I think I’ll be alone for a very long time. I’m a one man woman, and I think it’s necessary to experience the pain after a breakup. It tells me that the love I knew was real and that’s why it hurts so much. My friends don’t know what to say to comfort me, and that’s ok. There’s only so much another human being can offer in the way of companionship and support. If it weren’t for my love, relationship, and friendship with Jesus- I would absolutely crumble and die. I have no doubt. I’m not enough to keep myself going- I think of Sylvia Plath- and can understand how a broken heart could make her stick her head in an oven and forget to live. She couldn’t bear to lose her man to another woman. But Sylvia Plath said when she was just a child, “I’ll never talk to God again.” And I suppose she didn’t. So, she killed herself. I think she should have talked to God.

That’s where she and I differ. I love life, and as painful as it is to feel your heart being ripped from your chest, I do have a very close relationship with Jesus. We talk, commune, and just have a good time together. When I think about His love, and how He’s able to reach into every tiny place in my heart- I can’t be angry or sad for long. I smile, and know I’m loved. He washes away every awful feeling, and the bitter tears become bittersweet. They eventually become joyful, and I become like a child again, marveling at the beauty of God’s creation: I rise above the pain.

I’ve gone and talked myself right out of my misery again, and feel a half-smile creeping across my face.

Oh heart, you’re going to make it…

Image50 MM/manual/ISO 3200/natural lighting/Squire Boone Caverns/3.28.13

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9 responses

  1. I had to laugh when I was reading the part in your post about an X coming around. Men pick the most ideal time to start showing back up. It ALWAYS seems that this timing revolves around a recent breakup!!! I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time but remember this will pass. Praying helped me a lot when I was left. There was just something so soothing and comforting to me about the fact that I was never alone and that the Lord would always be watching out for me ❤ Will be coming back to VA tomorrow so expect some posts! 🙂

    March 31, 2013 at 4:05 am

    • It’s good to hear from you, M&M- I’ve missed you! I hope your vacation was a blast and I’m looking forward to your pics and stories. Thanks for making me smile. 😉

      March 31, 2013 at 4:16 am

  2. I love this part—> “I’ve gone and talked myself right out of my misery again…” I found that to be so brilliant because so often, you hear people saying things like “I’ve worked myself into a frenzy again (okay, I say that)”, but rarely do you hear people say they’ve talked themselves OUT of their misery. You just made me realize something…if I can work myself into a frenzy, I can work my way out. I am learning SO MUCH from you. Thank you 🙂

    April 2, 2013 at 8:52 am

    • My Dad taught me years ago that words are powerful. I try never to say, “I hate”. Those two words can turn a heart to stone: I try to say things that are positive so I can surround myself with goodness. But, on that note, I can fall apart with the best of ’em..heheh.. but still, I’ve had these principles beaten and carved into me over the years. Our circumstances may not change- but we can change how we view them. :0) So, I try to say, “thank you, God” for everything- even if I don’t understand it. In time, my eyes will see it in a different light, and I can not only bear the situation, but triumph.

      I learn a lot from you as well- always! More than that though, you’re able to make others laugh and believe me, that’s a gift. I love that about you. 🙂 (And thanks for that!)

      April 2, 2013 at 9:26 am

  3. i’m sorry this is going on. breakups are completely awful and heart-wrenching and miserable. and you write so beautifully about it.
    i’m glad that you have your faith to help you through it (and that pretty doggy.)
    and yes, having the ex try to use this as an opportunity to get back is totally slimy. i’ve known so many people to do that, and it never ends well.
    stay single for a bit, help yourself, and you will bounce back. you seem like such a strong and self-aware woman, and you’ll be okay.
    i hope the days start looking better for you.

    April 2, 2013 at 10:43 am

    • Thanks so much for your encouraging words- I appreciate them very much. Yeah, he did me dirty! Bigtime. (After I took care of him for so many months too.) But a snake is a snake is a snake…. and I got bit. (Lesson learned.) I will be single for a long time. And I’m ok with that. I won’t cheat on myself or break my own heart. 😉 Thanks again, Sean. I appreciate your visit. xo

      April 2, 2013 at 10:40 pm

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