It’s 4:52 a.m. and I’m typing very quietly so I don’t wake Josh. The past 24 hours have been astronomically crazy. I can’t get into the intricate details because a lot of it has to do with his family members, and for confidentiality sake, I can’t divulge that information.
But I can say that the police showed up at my door, having received a report that Josh was a “missing person” (yeah, from me too lately!) and I discovered that it was a concerned relative who hadn’t heard from him in a while that had reported him. Things are straightened out now, but boy-wasn’t that fun?
And on that note, I’m so very happy today. Josh and I have restored our closeness and our bond. I have a big, goofy grin on my face- I have my BFF back! I was a complete and utter mess without him. When relationships break down, it’s common to paint oneself in a positive light and make the other person out to be the villain. I did the same thing at first- I wanted to blame him for everything that had gone wrong. It took many days of agony, silence, tears, and absolute heartbreak to see how wrong I was in my own faults and failures. I was angry and always picking at him. I treated him so unfairly (I hear him snoring so I can type louder) really, I did. No man can live under a woman’s tyrannical thumb: it had become unbearable between us. The split did us both some good. He had moved in with friends and on the positive side, had started going to church and stuff. On the negative side, he was being monitored heavily by his friend’s wife who was a boarding type of landlord who controlled what he watched on TV even down to how he dressed- um, that’s taking “tyrannical” to a whole ‘nother level and in the end, he felt as if he were a foster kid all over again. She thought she was helping him really, but he’s had enough of people in his life telling him what he does and doesn’t need to do.
I want him to have his own space and so we’ll be setting up a small construction trailer on the property here so he can have his own area- I feel strongly that he needs that- apart from me even- his own “home” with a door that he can lock and have his privacy. He’s never had that! He’s always lived with people and been under their rules, including me, and I’ve always been very protective of him in his life- he’s been through the wringer- so it’s high time he have his own place to call home in this world. I’m happy for him. :0) He’s happy too.
Neither of us want to jump right back into the relationship we were in, because it was a damaged and broken relationship. It does neither party any good when you hook back up and “pick up where you left off”- especially if that was a bad place. But Josh and I have the unique ability to shape ourselves around each others’ feelings, needs, and sensitivities and above all- remain friends, no matter what. So, if we have a bit of a breakdown in our friendship/relationship, when we do reunite, it’s with a whole new respect and appreciation for one another.
It’s been a long day and I’m going to hit the hay. We have to move much of his stuff to his new place and I’m wiped out. I love this picture of Josh that I took out at Pounds Hollow Lake in Southern Illinois from our recent camping trip. Seldom have I seen him look so naturally happy such as he was here. It’s one of my favourite pics of him. xo
Josh/50 MM/Southern Illinois/Pounds Hollow/Rim Rock Trail/Camping trip
oh my goodness!!!!! I am thrilled for you guys!!!! yes please address what was not working so you can make this NEW and BETTER!!! love to you Honeypie!!!! oh soooo glad!!
May 11, 2013 at 10:00 pm
Y- thanks so much. I feel like I’ve been given a second life. :0) Josh and I have an incredibly strong bond- it’s stood the test of time and many tragedies. We have a new understanding also now though- one that we didn’t have before, and a new respect for each others’ spaces. (I sent him off to hang out with his guy friends. That’s a first..heheh..but he needs that from me.) We’re laughing again and are just grateful for each other so much. Thanks for carrying me through some VERY dark times, and for all of your prayers. They’ve definitely been answered. Love you! XO
May 12, 2013 at 12:47 am
I’m really happy for you Birgitta. I think that this is good news. You guys seem to really love and understand each other. I know you could have made it single but if yall are meant to be togethter then you guys will both find a way. I want to say that the seperate trailor Idea is WONDERFUL. I’m unsure if Josh suffers from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) like I do but anyway POINT: I grew up feeling very violated by my mother. I never had a space in my life be in private journals, my room, anything that she felt she coudn’t invade at any given time. My good friend and I were looking over a PTSD workbook and there is actually a part about having a “safe space.” The article talked about having a room in your house (trailor is better) that JUST you can go. If anyone is let in that space it’s completely up to you. I totally want to have a room just llike this one day. I think Josh and I could really relate on this. Let me know how the trailor goes!! where are you finding it?
May 14, 2013 at 10:07 am
Hey, M&M- thanks for popping in and sharing your input. :0) PTSD- I’m familiar with that monster. You could be right- Josh may have a bit of that trickling down from his childhood. His mother was murdered when he was only 7- his dad died when he was 14. He was orphaned and put through the system for the next few years and really, every place he’s ever had has been taken away from him. I’m fighting for him to have his own place in this world, even if that place is without me. But he needs that.
For now, I can be happy that I have my friend actively back in my life. We’re going to go down to the river today and hang out. (We love it down there.) As far as the small construction trailer- we found that last year on Craig’s List for only $500. it had been in storage since then. Anyway, I’m off and running! Hope you have a great day. :0) XOXO
May 15, 2013 at 12:41 pm
I got my sanity at Home Depot…They have EVERYthing! :-p
May 16, 2013 at 8:14 am
Is that what’s wrong with you?
You should have gone with Walmart. THEY have everything. 🙂
May 16, 2013 at 1:50 pm
YAY!!!!! I am so happy for you! I definitely can’t go away for that long anymore because I’m so sorry I missed this! So glad things are good for you now. SO GLAD! ❤
May 19, 2013 at 6:45 pm
Aww, thanks, Jen. Things were so black and ugly for a while. Definitely better now. :0) And yes, you are sorely missed when you’re not around but you know- I understand that method well. I do the same thing several times per year without so much as a warning. I totally get it. (And speaking of sanity- it’s a sanity-saver. You have to do what you have to do to preserve yourself, your privacy, and your space. Make no apologies for it!) Thanks for coming by! XO
May 19, 2013 at 6:52 pm