photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

Speak to Me, Lord

It’s 2:52 am: I’m getting to bed early tonight.

Somebody’s been misbehaving again, and it isn’t me. I won’y mention any names, but I’ve gone and gotten my heart broken again. Damn. We were doing so well too…

I’ve moved into Brian’s old room; it’s comforting seeing his graffiti on the walls, I’m sleeping with his big, squishy teddy bear. I can admit to that. :0) I’ve been crying my eyes out for two days and haven’t eaten for 2 & 1/2. I’ll eat when the tears stop flowing. In all of this pain, I know God has lessons for me to learn. Pain is one of the best tools God has. My heart right now, can be compared to the earth, and when the ground is broken up, it seems destructive and things are ripped apart on a microscopic level. It’s dark…it’s cold…the seed that’s been in the ground for days begins to shake- there’s a revolt, and a miniature earthquake. After much pressure and tumult, that seed busts open, and new life springs forth. After a while, the roots seek out the deep and they thirst for water. This is my heart right now. I know there are seeds of love that are bursting forth, but in order for that to even take place, I have to deal with the cold, dark, isolation and the tightly squeezing pressures around me. I remember that these situations bring new life, but I must suffer the pain first. For whatever reason, it’s for my growth.

I was able to get the sunrise that I was after. I hadn’t taken a sunrise shot in years and it certainly paid off.I was admiring the abstract composition of the distorted lines interweaving themselves in and around the dock, when I turned around to take one final glance behind me [insert Hallelujah chorus here] BAM.

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Abstract waterscape by the docs
Super Tak 135/3/5/manual

The In Between

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The purples, and blues and pinks faded away and was quickly replaced by a small, white. orb that was surrounded by the most beautiful shades of yellow, gold, and orange I’d ever seen. To make it even more epic, it all happened while the church bells down the street began ringing, as if on cue, to accompany the sun up from his bed. It was spectacular.

I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Speak to me, Lord’.

And He did.

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EOS REBE/SMC Super Takumar 135/3/5/natural lighting/manual

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18 responses

  1. shreyapunj

    Beautiful photographs as always but what has happened?
    I am here if you want to talk, I know it is a small thing but still.
    I wish i could hug you and comfort you.

    October 12, 2013 at 3:27 am

    • Shreya, my 7 year long-time BFF, man-friend (x fiance) “love of my life” has cheated on me again. Some wouldn’t consider it cheating, but it definitely is. When your man looks at porn with you right in the same room (monitor facing away from you- tucked away in a little corner) well…it doesn’t get much worse than that. Right in the same room with me! No conscience whatsoever. It just crushed me. We’ve been through this before, but I trusted him again- it was a mistake. I can’t get past that I was in the room with him when he did that- I don’t know how to process that, and it makes everything we’ve shared a lie. I didn’t want to go into full blown detail in the actual posting but I don’t mind sharing it with you in the comment section- which people seldom read anyway. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and no doubt, I’m going to be broke for a little while. Thanks for caring; I appreciate you. xoxo

      October 12, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      • shreyapunj

        *tight hug*
        I can actually understand how you feel because this happened with my mother last year. She saw my father’s cell phone which had porn downloading onto it and it crushed her too. It crushed me more to be honest.
        The worst part is I know for a fact that he has not stopped it either. I feel your hurt and pain and I really wish and pray that it goes away and heals.
        I read articles about how it is apparently “okay” and “normal” for men to want to watch porn but as a woman I know it rattles up from within.
        Have you talked to him again?
        I am here whenever you wish to talk to/vent out.

        October 12, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      • Oh Shreya, I’m so sorry to hear that your Mom had to go through the same thing. I know it can be a tough thing keeping your loyalty to both parents in that situation. Here in the U.S., we’re especially conditioned as a culture to “embrace” scantily clad women, which makes for some outrageously horny males. (Bluntly put, that’s about the sum of it.) Men expect to see T&A and women are conditioned to accept that as “normal”, and they do! But I am a rebel to the end, and I just won’t settle for that. I do feel for your Mom though. It doesn’t make it any easier but in your culture, women are also trained to just keep their mouths shut and “be the docile, subdued woman”. I hope your Mom hasn’t lost any of her dignity and strength through this- I surely feel for her, and for you for having to go through that. We’re so degraded as women! I feel your pain, sister. xo

        October 12, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      • shreyapunj

        I agree. My boyfriend too was a porn fanatic. He is 21. Two months into the relationship he deleted the whole lot and I felt so happy. But even now, his horny disgusting male friends send him clippings on the phone via various apps and the sight of them makes me sick.
        My mother and father are fine. They resolved it out somehow. How are things at your end now? Any better?

        October 13, 2013 at 3:24 am

  2. yvo

    Oh B!! I am soo sorry to hear this Honey . . . . I do not know the details but I am guessing someone dear has gone down a dark path. I am sad to hear you hurting and I know grief is so miserable to bear . . . . sigh. One of the toughest challenges of my life has been to try to learn to not take my addict’s wounding/struggles/failures as a statement about my worth. Easier to say than do and I guess it is called detachment, but not easy to achieve . . . your photos are extraordinary and that mention of the church bells is soo cool. Glad you took time to create/jam with beauty!! I just said a prayer for you Love. Take a shower, loofah your sweet self, eat something nourishing and rest. Please care for yourself like the priceless treasure you are. xoxoxoxoxo y.

    October 12, 2013 at 9:25 am

    • Y, thank you so much. :0) Your prayers definitely touched God’s throne because this morning, although wounded, I fell on my face and prayed- a bit like Hanna, no doubt (or Job), and gathered strength in that I don’t have to know the answers and why things happen- I just have to hold myself accountable in accepting things and working out a peaceful solution. Thanks so much for your prayers- that means everything to me! I’m taking your advice- I have a bran new scratchy shower glove hanging up on the bathtub faucet, and have turned my son’s room into a sweet little haven where I can be alone. (I’m a big believer in annointing one’s environment, so that’s next on the list.) I have a little place on the floor in the closet that I’ve converted into my prayer closet so I can go ans cry and wail and scream just as loud as I want and get all of the gunk out. I would be entirely rotten if I didn’t do that..heheh.. Anyway, thanks again for your wonderful advice- I am taking it. Love you lots, Y. XO

      October 12, 2013 at 2:19 pm

  3. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through a lot 😦 I’m here if you need me. I think “The In Between” is one of my fav shots you have taken. It’s so calm yet mysterious looking and the colors are amazing. I know this is terrible to say but I think people do their best work when they are really going through something painful. I don’t know why that is unless they just put all their energy into their work. Your pain will pass. Allow yourself to cry, to feel, and to pick up that camera at the same time. ❤ thinking of you

    October 12, 2013 at 10:56 am

    • If anybody understand this stuff, I know you do, and thanks so much for being here! I think you’re totally right. I do my best work when my heart is ripped out of my chest- it allows me to bleed over into my art work and the message of sorrow, love, loss, and hope, still, is evident- it ends up being inspiring because people can relate, you know? I am allowing myself to grieve, I’ve never been good at that, but if I don’t, it would kill me. Gotta get it out, and, I’d rather hurt now and bleed it all out than freeze it up and be bitter. Thanks for being such a good friend, Jen. XO (I’ll get back with you on the camera info.)

      October 12, 2013 at 2:25 pm

  4. Beautiful photographs, to say first, I am glad that in a way you can see the beauty in the world and that you know that it is yours, you will take it when you are ready.
    I have read through the comments and to your post as well and I am sad to hear about what happened. I have also read how you say in America people are being coerced into accepting this happening as something normal and it saddens me to have to say it is not just America, it is the whole world. Here where I live it is even outrageous to tell a man you are dissatisfied with the fact he watches porn while he is in a relationship or marriage because you are “intruding on his needs”
    I wish you strenght and peace, to come out of your situation bright and joyfull because, I must say, reading milions of posts, newspapers, watching photographs etc, it is a rare sight for me to see someone with soul beauty which I see in you.

    October 13, 2013 at 6:32 am

    • Oloriel, thank you so much for sharing your insightful feedback! I did not immediately reply as I’ve let your words soak in for the past two days. I do appreciate your thoughts and have pondered on what you’ve shared. I am feeling much better now- thanks. :0) (I don’t stay down for long, or, I try not to.) But your words have helped me through a dark time- it means a lot that you took the time to write. I think you’re right: men are growing up collectively feeling that it is their right to view porn. Some are ashamed, most are not. Regardless, they feel annoyed when women point it out. It’s a terrible thing to have to feel lucky if your man is ashamed for looking at it- as a women, we shouldn’t have to feel special for that. There is a great global seduction going on these days, because of the internet and “instant gratification”. The art of love is dying, no? Thanks again for coming by. Your visit lifted my heart! xo

      October 14, 2013 at 2:15 am

  5. this was hard to read. but the pictures are beautiful. and moments like that, watching the sun rise and catching it unexpectedly, sometimes little things like that mean the world.

    October 14, 2013 at 5:59 pm

  6. I’m sorry to hear you are in such pain. I can’t really comment too much on the porno issue, other than to say it is not a universal issue with all males. I agree that as a society we place too high a value on sexuality and violence. It bothers me more to see this happening with children who are expected to mimic adults. A friend of mine is convinced that great art is born out of pain. You are a wonderful photographer and I hope you continue to cultivate this side of your self.

    October 15, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    • Thanks so much, Al; your words bring me much comfort. :0) I’m doing so much better now. When Josh and I have any kinds of problems (no matter what they are) we decide quickly, “Alright, are we going to stay together?” If that answer is yes (and it almost always is) then we set out to forgive each other quickly and forge a new bond. It usually makes us stronger in the end. That said, I’m so glad to hear that not all men go that route! You’re an inspiration. xo

      October 16, 2013 at 1:21 am

  7. Hey Birgitta ❤ hope today is better than the past few days for you. Wanted you to know I was still thinking of you and hoping everything is all right. Can't be great I know but at least bearable. I dunno if I told you the song that I always listened to when I went through a break up but it's called Stronger by Sarah Evans. You tube it 🙂 I can imagine that is about where you are right now. You know I was watching Dr Quinn the other day and there was an episode where she had to witness all of her Indian friends massacred. It was so traumatic for her that she literally went into her barn and and got a hay pick and started swinging it at anything she could reach. She cried and screamed and fell on the ground. You know I envied that scene? I've never allowed myself to really do that. I can feel the need inside of me to have a moment where I let all of the pain from so much stuff out. I think it's a survival mechanism to not allow yourself to grieve. To stay strong in every situation and forget that showing sadness in not a weakness. I'm saying all this because I am thankful you have reached a place where you can grieve. I feel one must grieve to truly move on, to let their heart heal, to let the past be the past. You will get through this. But until you do, know that you are doing the right thing and continue to be one of the strongest people I know ❤

    October 19, 2013 at 11:50 am

    • Thanks so much, Jen, for all of your careful suggestions and advice- I appreciate you very much. :0) I’ve taken your advice and have been doing a lot of grieving (a LOT of grieving) and am only now feeling better. It’s an odd combination to mix so much grief with so much schoolwork, you know? But, on with the show, eh? Josh has not moved out and we have not officially “split up”- perhaps in proximity only- as I am now in the bedroom- he in the living room. (The silence is doing me good though, and through it all, we’re piecing together the broken shards of what we’ve shared for so long- even if it is cutting our hands to pieces.) You said something that stuck out, and Jen, you’re always so helpful- we trade nuggets and pearls when the other is down, you and I! It helps a great deal. :0) You said, “Let the past be the past”. Those are powerful words, and now I’m going to meditate on them before starting today’s schoolwork- which is plenty. (60 pages to cover, 2 exams in 2 classes, a Criminology report to prepare on social theories, and another due in Social Psychology.) It’s going to be one of those days. I can’t thank you enough for stopping by though and your timing couldn’t have been any better. Love you, friend. xo

      October 20, 2013 at 1:07 pm

  8. I pray that God will heal your broken heart quickly and will not let it heart grow back twisted, gnarled, or hard. You are a beautiful person. Don’t let his actions make you doubt that. ❤

    October 22, 2013 at 5:50 pm

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