photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

Lately

…things have been so hard. I don’t like to complain, so I try not to, but really, when I look at the string of events I’ve experienced in just the past 6 months, it’s really quite incredible that I’ve managed to remain in college. Let’s recap:

a. The irreparable breakdown of my off again/on again relationship with my former fiance
b. The irreparable breakdown of my car
c. The great internet apocalypse (and subsequent loss of my electricity/phone/and Netflix)
d. Picking up a vile bacterial infection by “the cougher”
e. Missing my own graduation as a result of a systemic infection and U.T.I (and again, “the cougher”)
f. The death of my beloved cat, Carl
g. A severe burn to my belly
h. A bone-deep dog bite to my right ring finger
i. Unspeakable stress from tackling my 5th academic year

I’m a tough cookie, believe me. I can handle pretty much anything that is thrown my way, but sometimes, it just starts to get to you. Little by little. Drop by drop, and in the end, it’s not the catastrophic tsunami that wrecks it all, but the water drop that hangs on for a second too long.

I’m feeling severely depressed. My emotions stay on a fairly predictable plane, daily. I’m not what could be classified as “ecstatic”, but I rarely get depressed either. Tonight, I’m black. So black, I’ve contemplated quitting school, bolting my door, and retiring early. I’m supposed to do 30 hours of internship at a drug rehab/Behavioral Health facility of my choice and I don’t even have a freaking car! I really wish my former room mate (name withheld) would give me the money he owes me already. He owes me thousands of dollars and he knows how hard things have been for me. He hasn’t given me a cent- I would never do that to anybody. How could he be alright with taking advantage of somebody like that? He’s owed me a significant amount of money for almost a year now. It’s quite pathetic.

I’m tired. And tonight, I’m having a bit of a meltdown. I can’t always be the strong one. I want to have a good scream or break something but alas, that takes raw energy and I have none of that at the moment. Truly, I want to quit. I want to quit everything, but I’m not a quitter, so that’s out. I have enough alcohol here for 10 New Year’s parties but I don’t like to drink, so…that too is out. I’ve had enough psychology for the past few years to diagnose and assess 100 people, but I fall short assessing myselfI miss my daughter, and I miss my son already. 

Brian was over for the weekend with his girlfriend, Amanda. I let them take my room over when they’re here: my wide screen monitor doubles as a mini-theater, which can be swiveled around easily. They left only yesterday but already this places feels like a crypt.

I snapped a few pics of them. They’ve been together for almost a year now. They’re absolutely adorable together. :0)

Ghosties (snuggling in the snow)

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21 responses

  1. yvo

    oh B . . . you really HAVE been through a lot Hon. . . . I do not understand the why of how relentless these barrages on our souls can be . . . I hear you . . . and even though you are of course happy for your daughter and her beau . . . .the contrast of their together with being alone is so very hard to bear . . . and I know you are strong, incredibly strong . . and I know Jesus is supposed to be enough . . it’s that place before the breakthrough that is soo dark, so empty and alone . . . i cup my palms together and bow my head to weep and intercede for you my friend. . I pray for tenderness to enfold thee and blessings to appear and break through to lift the oppression . . . . I could not sleep B. My heart was hurting. and I get up and come and read this . . . to intercede for you my friend. God hears you. xo y.

    February 25, 2014 at 12:25 am

    • You have no idea how much this means to me, Y, you really don’t. My heart has been like raw hamburger meat lately. (Not to mention, I have a 10 page stem cell research paper due in two days.) I’m having one of those months. :-/ I can’t thank you enough for bearing me up right now though! It means so much to me, and all I can say is thank you. XO

      February 25, 2014 at 12:41 am

  2. asd

    I think you’ll be okay, just use this time to write some really good poems or songs. Tell your youngest daughter I said ”hello”.

    February 25, 2014 at 2:21 am

    • Generally, I write poems and songs when I can still feel my heart, mystery person, but thanks for the sentiments just the same. And, I’ll tell my youngest daughter that “asd” said hello.

      February 25, 2014 at 3:33 pm

  3. You’re not complaining. David also cried out when he was being pursued by enemies. It’s natural. I don’t know why life has got to be so tough for some of us. Still reading this only showed me how much of a fighter you are. I crumble everyday and I face far less. Will keep praying. Things will get better.

    February 25, 2014 at 2:23 am

    • Thanks, Nit. That means a lot to me. I too am crumbling- but the battle only sharpens me up in the end. My faith in God is pure- it’s terribly strong. But my faith in man- no so much, and that’s the part that breaks my heart.

      Somebody told me once that the “meeting place” (Zion) with our bridegroom isn’t sparkly and all glowy and stuff like we might envision it. It’s a barren land, desolate-like a dessert without an oasis in sight! But I know it’s how we learn to trust solely in our bridegroom, and learn to come to HIM for water, etc.

      I know we all take turns on the wheel of pain- it’s just my turn again. But yes, please keep me in your prayers. Thanks Brother. :0) x

      February 25, 2014 at 8:55 am

      • I don’t know what heaven will be like, but he’ll wipe every tear from your eye, give you peace. And for someone like you who has gone through so much, your reward in heaven is great. Believe me when I say it. Keep the faith, man changes his opinions and his ideas in a minute. Trust me, my faith in man is zero. I live like an alienated hermit. But God will bring in the right people in your life and mine in his own time and all we can do until then is keep carrying that cross and moving forward. Much love and prayers. Just a message away if you ever want to talk

        February 25, 2014 at 9:24 am

      • Thanks so much, Nit. I appreciate you. xo

        February 25, 2014 at 3:35 pm

  4. Winter can’t have helped much either…it’s time for that worn out season to move on. Feeling the sun and warmth on our faces will do us all good.

    February 25, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    • Amen to that, brutha. Also, I have a 10 page stem cell research paper due the day after tomorrow. I’m looking at the next 48 hours with nothing but serious research stuck in my bedroom office. (I do have a window, so, that’s nice…heheh.) But yes, I’m ready to stick my toes in the sand down at my home away from home! And on that note, I’m looking forward to seeing what you create this year. It’ll be fun. :0)

      February 25, 2014 at 3:56 pm

  5. I don’t think you are whining or complaining at all! I hate it when society labels everything like that!And I am sick of people not returning money!ITs not about the money that much, Im sure you will agree, more about I helped you, and now when I need it back, you are nowhere to be found (or even worse, lying and giving excuses!)
    You really did go through a lot, and you most defo do not look/sound like a quiter, so, even though it don’t help much, Hang it in there, and kick everyone’s ass! 😀

    February 25, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    • O, I needed to hear that. Thank you! Yes, the excuses are the worst. I gave everything I had to him, and helped him when he was down- big time. Now that I’m down, he’s nowhere to be found, but that’s his MO. I had no idea he’d cut me this badly though- I really didn’t see it coming. I thought he’d have a shred of decency and throw at LEAST $200 my way- not to mention the actual thousands he does owe. And you’re right, it’s usually not about the money at all but this time- it is. There’re words for people that eat your children’s food, sleep in your bed and don’t even bother to take out the trash or help out in any way- but, seeing how I’m a lady- I won’t mention those words. I think you get the picture. ;0)

      I’ve been feeling pretty wounded lately and was even considering dropping out, but you know, I needed to hear that last bit. That “kick everyone’s ass!” part. That’s exactly what I needed to hear and I shall do just that.

      !

      Thanks for being there. ;0) xo

      February 25, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      • I totaly get what you mean! I myself am a perfect example of that proverb:”Borrow money from a pesimist, they don’t expect it back!”, but around 3 years ago my best friend borowed another friend a hefty sum, which this person just returned a few days ago, but it was a labour. At the same time, my friend and his family got housekicked middle of harsh winter, he got sick, this, that and this person was refusing to return the money because “like you need it!”. At the same time, mind you, calling him every week to brag how he bough a new 500 euro laptop, 300 euro pants, 400 euro shoes and so on, while my friend was struggling to put a piece of bread in his mouth and ending up in hospital due to malnourishment. I literaly wanted to go and just beat this debtee to a pulp! -_-
        I really hope things get better for you, and I know they will, because I know, somehow, you will make it so 🙂

        February 25, 2014 at 6:10 pm

      • Wow, I’m really sorry to hear about your friend having to go to the hospital due to malnutrition- that’s pretty severe! It’s just awful that the person who took advantage of him was living it up as the man was literally dying. People like that will positively “get theirs” in the end.

        You know, what makes this sting particularly bad is that my former BFF hasn’t worked in over a year because he’s waiting around for the car accident settlement to roll in. The same car accident I was in and I settled out of court for a measly $2,000 so he could eat and have a place to live. Talk about adding insult to injury. So now, I suffer (and suffer and suffer), waiting for him to repay me, while he does absolutely nothing but live off of other people- waiting for his “ship to come in”. It’s such a disgrace and I’ve lost every drop of respect for him. I needed help like- 6 months ago? Eight?

        I appreciate your vote of confidence, Oloriel. I certainly needed that today! Thanks again. ;0)

        February 25, 2014 at 6:32 pm

  6. Oh B, I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time lately. I wish there wasn’t a huge ocean between us cos I think you could use at least a hug or 3 right about now. xxx

    February 26, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    • Thanks so much for that. :0) It means just as much that you’re there for me! Most of the time, I weather storms incredibly well- but I’m no super hero and can crumble just like the next person. My comfort is knowing that it won’t stay black. It comes and goes for each of us, you know? I have to trust that God has great things in store for me, while I sizzle away in this frying pan…heheh. Thanks again, and congratz again on the new lens! Looking forward to your spring shots. x

      February 26, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      • Oh good, you knew it was me. Decided I wanted a separate blog for non photography bits n bobs. I’m not getting to use the lens much yet, I’ve had a migraine/migraine hangover for the last 10 days and so far this week have been at the doctors every day for someone to try and get blood out of me (they finally managed it this afternoon), oh and I’ve been on for a month…. I’m not a happy bunny at the moment and have zero energy. xxx

        February 26, 2014 at 4:03 pm

      • Wow, 10 days?! 6 days was the longest migraine I’ve ever had. People don’t understand the magnitude of pain involved with a 2+ day migraine. After 72 hours of intense suffering, you really can find yourself entertaining thoughts of death- simply because it seems like a comforting place compared to the present. I totally sympathize with you! Also, it’s practically a requirement for depression to follow. Migraines shatter the entire world of the sufferer.

        I hope you’re able to recover quickly! Do get plenty of rest, and hey, if you need to take a few months down, do what you need to do. Take good care of yourself. xo (And drink plenty of fluids!)

        February 26, 2014 at 4:12 pm

      • Thanks sweets 🙂 I’m trying to drink more water (I often forget to drink as I tend not to feel thirsty), my previous max had been 5 days. Feeling kinda ok at the moment, can cope with light sources but am very sound sensitive. xxx

        February 26, 2014 at 4:19 pm

  7. I totally saw this late and feel shitty for that because you area always so on top of my breakdowns haha. But I understand why you would feel this way. Fuck even one thing off that list would make me feel that way!! I think it’s very important for strong people to be able to fall to their knees sometime. Because it means they feel. Being able to feel as opposed to being numb and feeling invincible is actually a beautiful thing. You actually get across so much emotion in your photography. Have you tried to really put the darkness and pain into your pictures lately? Everyone needs that person to push them too and tell them not to give up. You have always been one of those people for me. So just know, I support you and have your back….but don’t you dare give up on your extremely talented self. You have made a difference, you have sold your art, you have a heart for animals, you’ve never given up on school yet, you have done impossible things, and when life has just about taken you out, you have used every ounce of strength to fight back (and won). So don’t you dare give up. ❤ love you girl hang in there. If I don't post often right now, it's just because I am working a lot. But I have your back.

    March 6, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    • Oh my goodness, you totally just made me cry. 🙂 Thank you SO much for being here for me right now, Jen- this is so powerful! And this is one of the greatest things I’ve ever read:

      “I think it’s very important for strong people to be able to fall to their knees sometime.”

      I did that two days ago. I haven’t hit my knees to the ground in earnest prayer for a short spell because I’ve been bitter. (Hey, let’s be honest!) And I didn’t want to go to the “honesty room” with God because it hurts like hell. More pain. Ugh. But then I’m reminded of the Scripture:

      “Sorrow endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning…” ANd I knew that it was going to be very painful to get down to business, spiritually speaking, but there’s always the lifting of the burdens that follow. And, the darkness can’t last forever. ;0) SO, that’s what I did and I feel soooooo much better. Stronger, wider (hopefully), and more grounded and ready to get back into the ring.

      Thanks again for simply being YOU. That’s enough for me, and I love you. :0) xo

      March 7, 2014 at 2:42 am

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