photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

God Walks

These past few days have been nothing short of incredible. Some things have happened here at home that have caused both Josh and I to be soft-hearted, more so than usual. Take for example, his wallet, that was stolen from a department store. His birth certificate, ID, more than $100, my credit card too- and lots of other goodies were inside of it.

Interestingly enough, rather than being angry much, we’ve been teary-eyed and hyper-emotional. But that’s to be expected under the circumstances. As for me, I’ve been pondering my life (imagine that!) and contemplating my absolute direction in which I’ll go. I was in Business Administration five years ago when my Pastor suggested I switch majors to something that might better utilize my talents. I considered what she said and decided to go into Human Services/Behavioral Sciences. Generally, I wanted to work with homeless people and troubled juveniles, etc. From there, I considered Criminal Justice and probation/parole, and up until yesterday, I was alright with that.

But I’ve been praying and asking God to guide me to the place that He wants me to go. His answer: Psychology- specializing in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/OCD behaviors- but most importantly- child sexual abuse and trauma. He’s really been digging around in my heart these past few months, stirring up some things I’d rather not acknowledge.

I was sexually abused by a relative when I was nine years old. Up until a year ago, I couldn’t even string those words together in the same sentence. I haven’t been in denial- but so very apprehensive to even look in that direction. It means pain. Heaps and heaps of pain. At some point, we sexual abuse survivors really do just get tired of this old monster that eats away at our heads and hearts. It’s emotionally and psychologically draining. Well, perhaps that is a form of denial. But as long as I don’t want to see it, it’s still buried. I couldn’t speak about this issue while my Dad was alive. This type of thing destroys lives- it’s like a locomotive with razor-sharp teeth- eating souls along the way. It devastates families. So for many years, I’ve stayed silent. I’ve taken my lashes privately to spare my siblings what would have been much ruin, both privately and publicly. Not surprisingly, my family has preferred that as well. Nobody ever talks about it. It “doesn’t exist” in their worlds.

I was told (when I was a child) that if I ever told anybody, my brothers and sister would be taken away and we would all be put in foster homes and that I would have been the cause. I was only 9! What a terrific and horrendous burden to place upon a child so young. So I kept my mouth shut. And suffered alone. And suffered. And suffered. And suffered.

My siblings got to keep each other and nobody went to a foster home. Hooray.

But I can’t stay silent any more. God has been walking through my heart. He’s telling me that I have a story to tell and it’s ok to tell it! I’ve suffered enough. I can hardly believe the number of women I’ve met online who are my age that have been sexually abused. A good many of them are taking multiple medications and cannot even leave their houses without another family member. That was me a handful of years ago too.

For four years now I’ve studied psychology and such in college. I used to slag on therapists, thinking they were goofy- spitting out “mumbo jumbo Freudian crap”. How ignorant! Naturally, I’ve come to understand just how hard psychology really is; all of the various sections of the brain and their functions that pertain to specific disorders and so on. And that’s just the physiological aspect- there’s the sociological aspect too; perspectives and theories and research methods. The field is so extensive, it really does command respect.

I’m 44 years old and I’ve never been treated for being molested as a child. The shame and pain that goes along with it keep women like me silent. And so we suffer silently. Year after year. But God has touched my heart today with His finger. It burns with a super fire! I’ve decided for the first time in my life to seek treatment for my childhood trauma. The silence must be broken if the remedy is to be successful. Besides, this is the area I want to study and specialize in in my studies. How can I possibly be of any help or use to other women who’ve suffered from this if I don’t become the client and receive professional help too?

And so I shall. I’ve called my local Behavioral Health facility and have scheduled an appointment for June. The first step really is the hardest. I know that the road won’t be particularly easy, but I know that I’m making a good emotional and psychological investment for my future. I’ve been so encouraged by the many (many many) brave women who have shared their similar stories through their blogs.

Some people think that such things shouldn’t be aired in public, but every one who has and continues to do so is my hero. We never know just who we’re going to touch in this world, or who may be reading our posts that have no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to, etc.

I have a great, new outlook on life and I’m excited at the prospect of finally getting professional help for such an ugly disease: child sexual abuse.

Today is my mother’s birthday.  She doesn’t know it yet but I’m going to give her my (college) diplomas as one of her gifts.  I’ve fought so hard to finish my degree- for myself, yes, but especially for her. And she’s so proud of me. :0)

Happy birthday, Mom. ♥

My Mom’s one and only sunflower

 SunflowerMJ

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10 responses

  1. yvo

    Dear B, Amazing what comes thru the pipes when we slow down. There is NO WAY you could have done this healing work AND be a reading/studying/learning locomotive! This type of work needs space . . . . I am glad you are responding to the call of this timing. It has been a journey for me too. What God has unearthed and gathered back together fuels my creative thrust. All the time I lost holding back from dealing, well that angst just fuels my desire to live FULLY ALIVE. I am still uncovering more. My brother and Uncle were the first wounded takers that diverted the path of my life from “normal sexual awaking and development” I am a late bloomer. And that is why . . . . the arrested development of a kick ass teen has stayed with me. And you my dear friend have MAJOR kick power. Guard and keep some space for the deconstruction and rebuilding ~ that is my (one of my) huge challenges. Huge fruit abundant harvest will come. Love you Girlfriend. You are one of a Kind!!! xxx

    May 23, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    • Thanks so much for your ever supportive and encouraging words,Y, always. :0) Yeah, it’s a process- a lifelong one, no less. But I’m excited that good things are coming- I feel them. And- you too! A very big congratz on that sale. I’ll be praying that there’s lots more where that came from. ;0)

      May 23, 2014 at 12:14 pm

  2. This almost made me cry, and I don’t even almost-cry easy.
    It’s good to hear that you feel like you’re really finding your path, and that you feel ready to take on the things which have been hiding in your closet. Your bravery is inspiring. ❤
    Your Mom is right to be proud of you. 😉

    May 24, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    • Aww, thanks so much for that. :0) I appreciate your encouraging support- it means a lot to me. xo

      May 24, 2014 at 8:51 pm

  3. Hey Birgitta ❤ I know I have been away for like, well, months 😦 I'm sorry and have missed you! I've been dealing with stuff with my divorce, life, working over time, trying to get another car, emotional crap, etc. I need to start posting again ASAP. Anyway, this is the first post I have read since I came back. It was very heavy but moving at the same time. I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were a child and that you were put in a position of fear when it came to whether to tell or not too. I'm sure that incident not only traumatized you but caused you to grow up really fast. If you have trust issues with men or people in general, they may actually stem from that incident. I'm so proud of you for taking the steps to seek help for yourself while being willing to go in a career direction that will help other girls screaming silently. SO MANY people have been molested and are afraid to speak out. I think there is huge need for help in this area. And more people are going to feel comfortable talking if it is to someone who has experienced the same things they have. I wish you all the luck in the world with it and know you will do amazing. ❤ LOVE sunflower too! Beautiful!

    August 6, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    • You know, out of everybody I know and all of my friends (that I can count on one hand- ha) I miss you the most! I’ve been thinking of you so much! We definitely need a good old fashioned (email) catch-up soon. I know life is really rough sometimes, but I really miss your posts. Even in the worst of situations sometimes, you shine through your darkness with such light.

      On the other matter, yeah. I’ve spoken with hundreds of women who’ve been molested- over the past few years- it’s pretty incredible how many of us there are. And yes, many are still trapped and are afraid to tell anyone because that fear was burned into us as children. But- I’m determined and DESTINED to make a difference in this area. I’m taking back the power that was robbed from me so long ago. By doing so, I can help teach others to do so too.

      Love you girl! Now get back here and POST. 😉

      August 6, 2014 at 6:19 pm

  4. Also, my new email is jennylmorgan@yahoo.com 🙂

    August 6, 2014 at 4:27 pm

  5. Hey Birgitta ! You will be pleased that I just posted something on my page haha. FINALLY, I am living in a stable situation, doing better, and have a good internet service that functions enough to let me post without freezing lol. Thanks for saying that!! I miss you too !!! I have a lot of your posts to catch up on and read 🙂 Want to see what is going on in your life now!! I’ve really missed blogging and know I NEED to get back to doing it because one day, our lives may just make a best seller lol. I kid you not. I mean hell, ever see those journal books at barnes and noble? Those peoples lives don’t have shit on what we survived hahah. My friend Jordan and I were talking about that too, as we have gone through it together over the years. This has been a long day but wanted to let you know that, I think I am actually back this time! ❤ Hope you are doing well and can't wait to catch up.

    September 26, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    • Girrrrrl, we could write MANY books, couldn’t we? (People would think they’re fictions.) I’m so glad that you’re getting to a better place. Remember, just when you think it’s “all better”, that’s usually when the grand finale hits you…heheh. But you sound like you’re doing better and I’m so glad to hear that. Good for you for getting a new gym membership too! 🙂

      September 28, 2014 at 3:52 pm

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