photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

Black Days are Here Again


I’m pretty broken-hearted right now. Bad things just keep happening. People are dying and there’s just nothing I can do but cry. I’ve got 4 weeks of the semester left to go and then I can take a few years down. I’m really having to dig deep and tap into my fierce cross country training I had as a child. I was noodle-skinny and didn’t have a ride home. (Home was a 2 mile walk.) I stayed after school 3 to 4 days per week and on many days we had meets and races against the local schools. I was lightning fast as a kid! But any good racer knows it’s not about the speed but the diligence and steady pacing throughout. It was so hard to deliberately allow people to pass me up at the beginning of the race because I’m so competitive. There’s nothing I hate more than losing. But 2 & 3/4 of a mile in, I passed many of those girls up who were bent over holding their sides- walking it out. I was delirious with pain and utterly exhausted, but honed in and focused on my breathing and speed. There was nothing else to do but push on. I finished almost every 3 mile race and ended up with two medals and a whole slew of ribbons over those three years.

One day, my cross country teacher (Mr. Lang) found out my dirty secret. I had been running the two miles home after running 3 mile races. I was embarrassed because nobody could pick me up after school. One day, he offered me a ride and when he found out I’d been running home too, he became my official ride. I became his star runner and he really shaped me into a strong child athlete. I was only 9. So now, even after all these years, when I’m hit with a hard time, I reach back and grab those early life lessons; that training carved into me some serious strength of character.

So now I have to focus on school. I was so close to dropping out the other day, but Josh- he knows just what to say to get to me! He knows me better than anyone. He reminded me that I had an obligation. “It’s about the principle, Birgy.” And that’s all it took. He knows that “principle” means more to me than anything else in a matter. I’ll haggle for 5 hours over two pennies if somebody’s trying to get one over on me, but give away everything I have to people who need it. It’s the principle of it.

So now, heart falling out of my chest, I push on and remind myself that the end of the race is the most important part of all. It’s at the end that people start dropping off like flies. Not much different than a spiritual race. People I’ve known for 30 years now are turning into heartless, loveless beasts. Cruel animals.

I was told recently about this poor old Christian woman in the hospital. One of her sons went and told her that the reason she didn’t have cards and flowers is because she was too “spiritual” and talked about God too much and that nobody wanted to go and see her. What’s this world coming to when you can do that to your own mother when she’s down- and then call yourself a Christian too? God help us.

Black days…

11 responses

  1. Sorry to hear this…but good to get it out. My thoughts are with you my friend. G.

    November 12, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    • Thanks, Gav. x

      November 12, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    • Yes, that’s true enough, we do. I know you certainly understand! Thanks for your comfort. x

      November 12, 2014 at 6:00 pm

  2. I know exactly what you are going through. I so want to be done with this course. But I’ve sunk too much time and money and grey matter into it. Hubby is the same as your man, “… just finish it.” I feel like a child. “But I HATE it!”

    In the grand scheme of things, whether or not we finish our studies doesn’t make a difference. But for the present… yeah, there’s a tiny little bit of me that feels compelled to slog it out. I’m not sure if I’m doing it for myself or for my husband or for the teachers or for any of my friends who are rooting for me.

    Like you, “Finish what you start.” I don’t know. It’s all I’ve got for the moment.

    November 13, 2014 at 7:55 am

    • I feel you there, Maggie. I saw a project the other day that I’d started back in 2010 I thought I;d only put it off for a year or so and here it is 4 years later! It’s totally time to take a break. Hopefully you’ll get a break soon too. ;0)

      November 13, 2014 at 10:31 am

      • Another month – after finals. Steady as she goes…

        November 13, 2014 at 10:32 am

      • Yep. 🙂

        November 13, 2014 at 10:59 am

  3. yvo

    B, you are one of the strongest women I know and I am in awe of your ability to focus and tackle whatever you put your hand to. I appreciate this cross country training story/experience . . . steel being forged . . . there is the process . . . . I have been and will conteniue to pray for you and I know you will move through and emerge on the other side. Sending love and strength – y. xoxo

    November 13, 2014 at 8:33 am

    • Thanks so much, Y. I appreciate you! More than you know. And so I awoke to a semi-migraine. UGH, (Here we go again.) Last night I was laying there and felt the Lord encircling me- it was like a cold whirlwind and He was just pouring strength into me. I could tell somebody was praying for me, so thanks again. Love ya!

      November 13, 2014 at 10:27 am

  4. bipolarbarbieq

    ULCH! It breaks my heart to hear you’re in the zone you’re in with things out of your control and the things that ARE in your control are going to be way harder to deal with for anxiety because of all the out of control things…Thinking about you though.

    November 15, 2014 at 7:15 am

    • Believe it or not, I have little to no anxiety. It’s just been so black lately. I haven’t battled actual anxiety in almost a decade. (Thank God for THAT.) No, but like you said, things that are out of the realms of our own control which happen to hurt us. Those are the things that have brought me down lately- all of the pain. I’m doing much better now though. (Even in the worst of my situations in life, I usually don’t stay down more than 3 days.) Thanks fro thinking of me. ;0) I appreciate you popping in. xo

      November 15, 2014 at 12:09 pm


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