Death of a Friend
Josh and I are no longer in a “partnering relationship”. We’ve been together (off and on) for 8+ years and really, have been like each other’s skin. Recently, he underwent a horrible ordeal which ultimately changed his personality. I thought it was only temporary, but it’s proving to be permanent. He’s become so aggressive and has resorted to screaming and raving every day- all day- it’s as though he has acute brain damage or something. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve lost the man and best friend that I loved so much. That man died. It’s as though my son and I are living with a total stranger. My son jumped up and scared him earlier in the kitchen- just playing around as he likes to do. Rather than be surprised or even annoyed, Josh threatened to punch my son in the mouth.
I couldn’t believe it. Not long afterwards, I exited the kitchen to go to my room- away from Josh- and he followed me. For the next 10 to 15 minutes, he raged and yelled and beat on my door, demanding that I not walk away when he’s talking. He’s become so abusive, my son and I both now have high(er) blood pressure as a direct result from the daily stress.
He owes me $350- the cell phone he’s using, I payed for. The blanket he’s sleeping with- I payed for. The medicine he’s now taking- I payed for. (Nice.) Rather than pay me what he owes, he abuses me. So, I’ll be looking for a new place to live for my son and I. My kids will always be a priority over any man.
In all the years I’ve known Josh, he’s still a taker. And I’m still a giver, apparently.
Update and to his credit: he’s payed me what he owes.
But no more. When a person threatens my kid- it’s over. Plain and simple. I’ve seen many women in life stay with abusive men- all because they think they “need” them. That’s where they and I differ! I don’t need any man. Certainly not an abusive one.
After weeks of enduring Josh’s (escalating) abuse, I decided to give him a dose of his own medicine. More times than I can even count, I’ve gone to my room to get away from his screaming/raging, and he follows me. All of my pleading for “peace” and calm and quiet fall on deaf ears. He just doesn’t go away! Not at first, anyway. I’ve literally begged him to get away from my door and to simply “choose peace” but to no avail. He refuses to go away and chooses rather to rage at me. Sadly, much of the time it’s over nothing at all. Yesterday’s eruption was caused because he came in raging against his boss, and I told him that he should have a smidgeon of gratitude, because his boss pays his salary and is kind enough to give him a job. It behooves an employee to recognize that if nothing else, their boss has chosen to hire him/her and he should acknowledge that he owes the man a debt of gratitude. It’s not a corporation; it’s a small 3 (and sometimes 4) person crew.
His lack of grace just floored me. So I told him that perhaps if he were to shift his focus from his anger at his boss to the fact that he even has a job, maybe it would help him. I also told him that he is hyper-focused (again) on himself and is internalizing again. It’s as if he’s got a large lazer beam pointed at himself and can only see HIM right now. As awful as it sounds and as awful as it makes me feel to say it- he’s an extremely selfish person.
I wasn’t expecting him to thank me for pointing that out, but I wasn’t expecting the war that ensued either. Everything offends him and if he’s not getting his ego stroked, he gets lost in whatever topic is being discussed, and always, always- he’ll make it about him- no matter what.
But back to my revenge.
I wanted to shake him up a bit because I think that 2 straight weeks of taking a person’s verbal abuse is two weeks too long. I realized that all of my “asking nicely” for peace was getting me nowhere, so I decided to give him an interactive demonstration; one that he could (inadvertently) participate in.
I waited until 4 in the morning (keeping in mind he had to work the next day), and I took two glass teacups and dropped them on the coffee table together. The sound of glass breaking shook him awake and startled him. (Mission accomplished.) He became irate immediately- but you see- he’s usually irate anyway, and so when he calmed down some time later, I explained that from now on, every time he “took” my peace from me- especially when I was asking to be left alone- I was going to take some from him.
It really pains me that I had to resort to such drastic measures, but hey- whatever works!
And it worked like a charm.
In other parts of the world, I’m doing phenomenally well in my two courses: Behavioral Neuroscience and Cognitive Psychology. I absolutely love being a student again. Above all else, It’s a wonderful and necessary distraction that is highly welcome in my life at the moment.
I don’t want to spend one more day with Mr. Raging Preachy-Pants. But until we get a new place, chances are I’ll have to.
Chance– taken yesterday in my bedroom with my new SMC Super Tak (umar) 28 MM/3.5 wide angle lens
(Naturally, accompanied by the essential college highlighter and neuroscience notes.)
Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this! I wonder what happened that caused him to changed so drastically? But, I agree, it’s best not to stand by and let someone threaten to punch your kid in the face!
Hope things start to get better and more calm soon. I’ll be thinking of you!
February 3, 2015 at 11:07 am
Thanks so much, Amy. :0) (He was out for a ride on his mo-ped, without a license and the cops perceived him to be confrontational so they tazed the crap out of him. He suffered from Post Traumatic afterwards and just continued spiraling downward. That was weeks ago and now he’s not even the same person. It’s been hell around here lately. We were still semi-friends until he threatened to punch my kid in the face! With “friends” like that though, eh? Good seeing you- as always! x
February 3, 2015 at 12:26 pm
Oh wow! I wonder if the tazer messed with his body chemistry or something?! Maybe there is some research on that! If not, maybe there should be!
In any case, it sounds like a crappy situation. I’m thinking of you!
February 5, 2015 at 10:00 am
Thanks so much. :0) I’m doing pretty well, considering all I’ve been through in the past month or so. Whew! Can’t say I haven’t been tested though! In the end- it makes us stronger, eh? (If not a bit nuttier…haa.)
February 5, 2015 at 1:30 pm
What a great way to look at it! I like nutty, anyway. HA!
February 5, 2015 at 1:36 pm
Me too. 😉
February 5, 2015 at 2:10 pm
‘When a person threatens my kid- it’s over.’
I hear you.
I’ve done similar things to get some of my own back, after years of narcissistic behavior.
Good on you….and am with you with my support.
February 3, 2015 at 9:38 pm
Thanks, Gav. You rock. :0) A parting thought on the narcissistic behavior- its polar opposite is no self esteem whatsoever. We do what we need to do to “survive and make it through”. Sometimes, there’s a time and place for “self-serving” “self-love”, etc. And, what seems to be narcissistic behavior to one won’t be to another. In short, you did what you needed to do to get to the place where you’re at today. All parts that make up the sum were necessary. ;0)
February 4, 2015 at 10:15 am
I don’t know how to express how sad I am for your situation I’m glad he’s paid you what he owes. I’m glad you love your kids so much as to get them out of an abusive environment (including yourself). You’re so positive and motivated and those are things I love about you. I admire you very much and hope that even though I know how strong you are, you’re okay because I know there’ll still be sting.
February 5, 2015 at 7:37 am
Aww, thanks so much for your love and support, BB! I think you’re pretty dang awesome. :0) You know, I’ve had OCD since childhood- it’s probably congenital (definitely hereditary) and so I’ve probably had it since before birth. I’m pretty good about handling my stress, but this has really tested me on every level and has kicked in the OCD behavioral thought processes BIG-TIME. It’s not like we had a huge fight, you know? This has been ongoing for many weeks, and he’s worn me down to a frazzled string of myself. That said, I’m a strong woman and I’ll never (ever ever) let a man “make me” or “break me”. Not gonna happen!
Thanks for stopping by. And thanks for being such a good role model. Love ya. xo
February 5, 2015 at 8:23 pm
Haven’t you been through enough, Hon??? Lock into “Me Mode” for a while. I think you need/deserve that.
And maybe a trip to DQ! :)) I want sprinkles!
February 5, 2015 at 8:41 am
Haha….sprinkles are good! And yes. YES I HAVE. Somebody said to me the other day, “What you need to do is find somebody who….da da da” I sort of blurred out by that point because I’m a strong woman- and I don’t do “man-hopping”. I fully believe that the best thing after ending a personal/intimate relationship with someone is to be alone for no less than 6 months to a year- Minimally. We’re different people when alone, and I know how to be good to myself. ;0)
Thanks so much for your sound advice over the years, Mr. C! x
February 5, 2015 at 4:15 pm
What’re Friends for, Hon? XOXOX Hang tough! :))
February 6, 2015 at 2:38 pm
Thanks, C. :0)
February 6, 2015 at 4:37 pm
Holy Smokes. So sorry I missed this post – it makes today’s (Feb 16) all the clearer. You are going through a shit storm, hon. Hang on tight to your faith and to your son.
February 16, 2015 at 7:19 pm
Yeah, it’s been unbelievable, Mag. No words! But all of this strengthens me. After these past two months, I’m quite sure I can make it through anything! Thanks for your kind words. 😉 xo
February 16, 2015 at 8:20 pm