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House of Pain

For the life of me, I don’t understand why a man chooses to  view pornography when he has a beautiful, FAITHFUL woman who loves him. I’ll never understand. No amount of words that he may utter from his lips could ever make enough sense for me to understand.

I just returned from Texas, from my Aunt’s memorial service. She died of a heart attack as soon as she got into her car, following her work day. She and her husband had been married for 63 years. It was a beautiful service and I was finally able to meet all of my extended relatives in Texas (my native home state in which I was born). That made it especially bittersweet, that I was able to meet them for the first time, as a result of my Aunt’s death. In that way, I’ll consider it her parting gift- and her sacrifice.

I had left my home, and my guy was here alone for a week. We’ve had many (too many to count) “situations” in which he views pornography as soon as I so much as walk out of the room. He’s quite addicted. And in some cases, he’s admitted to viewing pornography with me sitting right in the same room. What kind of man can lust after naked women with his lady right in the freaking room?! An animal. That’s what kind. A crude beast- without a heart or any measure of decency. And he professes to be a Christian! That’s the kicker.

And so, as I was travelling to Texas last week, a little (Spiritual) birdie flew into the car and let me know that he was at it again. I tried to put it out of my mind, because really, I’ve given too many years (10) to this and have given him too many chances. At some point, I simply must take a stand for myself and say “Enough is enough; you blew it, kiddo.”

And so I came home yesterday, to a filthy house (in more ways than one)- every dish in the house- stacked up on the table- nothing had been done. Dog feces on my bedroom floor. I had left this bedroom clean as a whistle for him, before I left. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this man doesn’t care much for me. Isn’t it funny how we tell ourselves things? And we believe them. Because the truth is just too painful. We choose to believe a fairy tale lie because it hurts far less than the brutal truth.

Well I’m tired of his lies, and I’m tired of lying to myself- thinking that he loves me. No. If he loved me, he would have made different choices. I don’t have the patience or the ignorance any more to believe that he looks at porn but he REALLY loves me too. The problem is that he may love me “a bit”, but he just doesn’t love me ENOUGH to choose our love over porn. Every choice has a consequence. And you just can’t have your cake and eat it too. Not anymore.

A man that is constantly cheating on his woman (over the years) doesn’t deserve a good woman. He deserves a trashy tramp- somebody with no self-respect. That’s what he deserves. Not somebody who loves him with all of her heart and never so much as even thinks about looking in the opposite direction. He doesn’t deserve that woman’s love.

And so now this is my life. I find myself feeling frozen, in a strange and cold tundra. I’m numb. And I’m tired of crying. My eyes are swollen from crying for hours. Everything I thought I had is gone. Shattered. In shambles. 10 years with this man- down the drain. I’m so tempted to simply lie here on my bed and crawl inside myself and disappear. It hurts too much to move and think and feel. But I can’t do that. I made myself get up out of bed and go make coffee. I made oat meal- I even made a bowl for him and left it on the counter. I think it’s important to choose compassion when somebody’s done you dirty. It builds character.

Anyway, I’ve lost 7 lbs. I wanted to have lost 10 already, but no go. I’ll just have to start taking my daily mile walks again. I’m forcing myself to stay busy all day long- and active. I need to stay distracted- at least during these first few initial weeks. It will do me no good at all to lay down and die inside. And so I’ll continue to work and clean and scrub and not give any thought to the situation at hand.

And I’ll continue to pray, and ask God to give me the strength to endure these painful days and lonely nights. I’ll continue to ask God to help me to forgive my offender. And to not hate. It’s too easy to hate right now. I really do believe that God has all things in His hands. And if I ask him to share His love and grace with me, I know He will. He’ll give me the love I need to carry on. Just because I’m alone now doesn’t mean I’m loveless. God loves me. So I’ll dwell on that, and heal.

Saltillo, Texas- 5 pic panorama (Photo-merge)- Carl Zeiss Sonnar DDR- film lens + Canon Rebel XSI
cowpano

More Texas pics (83 degrees in January- barefooted)texas-barn-28mm-i-think
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mushroom-in-back-of-aunt-marthass-yard

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22 responses

  1. Anonymous

    sigh. B, my darling friend. . . . yes you DO deserve better. I am so sorry to hear of this. Absolutely sucks. But I am not exaggerating when I say, I do not know ANYONE like you. You are a woman of dignity and Worth. You have the deepest and richest treasure in you. And I will cover you in prayer ad I know you will survive. I am sorry for your loss but glad for the roots you connected with. Addiction does not make sense. It destroys life. period. I love you and I know you will conqueror ALL. xoxox

    February 5, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    • Hey Y! I could tell this was you right away. 🙂 THANK YOU- as always. You know better than anyone what I’m going through (AGAIN). I know you’ve got your own house of pain to deal with. I hope things have been good for you lately! If not good, then doable. If not doable, then I’ll move over and you can share a seat in Sucktown….haha. Hey, I have dried cranberries and dates! (I gave up candy and gum- again.) Anyway, thanks a mill. 😉 I know that everything will be good in the end, you know? And even before then. I hope you had a great showing last month! Let me know how that went. 😉 x

      February 6, 2017 at 1:21 am

  2. Hey there. So sorry to hear about what you are going through. Been there. Almost word for word. Strength to you.

    February 5, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    • Hey Maggie, long time no hear from How ya been, kiddo?! Just knowing that others have been through the same thing (unfortunately) can be enough to pull you through for the moment. Thanks for that. 😉 I hope things are going well for you. I sure have missed you. x

      February 6, 2017 at 1:23 am

      • It’s a long, difficult, confounding journey that you are on. I wish you well.

        And thank so much for the warm greetings! Things were kinda snakey there for a while with work and life (we moved to a new town to retire.) But I’m back to blogging again, and it’s so great that my old blogging pals, like you, are still here!

        February 6, 2017 at 8:10 am

      • I understand. I too left Bloggie-land (for 5 months)- you know… that crazy “life” thing kept getting in the way. 😉 Well I wish you a great retirement! How exciting. 🙂 I’ll pop over after while; great seeing you again, Mag. x

        February 6, 2017 at 9:11 am

  3. I am so so sorry to hear this happened to you again. And after more painful events. I think what partially hurts is knowing that you are strong, but are not afraid to be weak for love, and knowing the other person will not do that.
    I am sorry as well for not being there for you to talk and listen to you more, I am having a hard emotional time in real life and trying to slug through it.
    Sorry I have nothing perfect to say, but I wish I could just sit with you, stare, breathe, learn to heal.

    February 5, 2017 at 7:45 pm

    • Hey you, you just brought a big ole smile to my face! 🙂 You really do have a way with words, you know. Yeah, it sure does suck; and I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time too, O. I’ll lift you up in prayer also throughout this time. You know, the bright side of things is that the icky stuff isn’t allowed to last forever. It only has the authority and power to stick around just long enough for us to take our lessons from it- whatever they may be- and take them with us thereafter. So, I’m already learning some. It’s never “all bad”, is it? It sure does feel that way sometimes, but I know that’s not true. Thanks for being here for me. You’re awesome sauce. 😉

      February 6, 2017 at 1:17 am

      • Yes, it is precisely like you said, but I am finding it so so hard at the moment to just live through the bad process? I don’t know, I also don’t think we deserve all this betrayal, day by day, at the same time, who are we under the Lord to ask for anything, but pain?
        I guess suffering sucks extra when you are smart, when you see all the layers of things. Hence why once more I think, if you ask me, to appoint you with something, it would be a house with a picket fence, an orchard,lots of laughter, joy, dancing and margaritas. Not tears. Not pushing through. ❤

        February 6, 2017 at 3:24 pm

      • Hey- that house/orchard/laughter/dancing (and especially the margaritas) sound DIVINE. 🙂 I just have to keep telling myself that I’m working towards all of that and more. And you should do the same. 😉 I like what you said. Yes, it seems extra painful when you can see it all coming and are a bit hyper-sensitive to that pain. I think what saves me is knowing that we get our diamonds in the dark- not in the Light. They shine extra bright in the light; but we obtain them in the trenches of utter blacknes, you know? When I consider that, I can carry on and sludge on through. I’m not sure what you’ve been going through but I’m so sorry that you’re hurting too. 😦 If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know, ok? Love and strength and healing to you, O. x

        February 6, 2017 at 4:19 pm

  4. so full-on !
    sending you some loving thoughts and prayers….

    February 5, 2017 at 8:01 pm

  5. Oh honey, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Just so you know, I share your same sentiment: any man who respects and cherishes their significant other would NEVER to turn porn. Period. I have had men argue with me in the past; the argument being that they are “visual creatures” and need it for stimulus. Bullshit. Viewing pornography, going to strip clubs, objectifying women is a learned behavior. Bravo for you for finally taking the stand against the horrible way your man has been treating you. You deserve so much more. You will be in my thoughts.
    -Cari-

    February 6, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    • Right on, Cari! I don’t think I could have worded any of that any better. You really hit the nail on the head. And I agree 100%. We women “get it”, ya know? If only men did. :-/ Thanks for your strengthening words today! x

      February 6, 2017 at 12:55 pm

  6. Emp

    Pornography is what he wants. Bad thing is there isn’t the connection, human connection, to a person. It’s a fantasy. Sounds like you put a lot into this. A good friend or two often helps, or maybe your own internet tendencies.

    Value yourself and what you want. I hope you get the comfort you need.

    February 6, 2017 at 2:16 pm

    • Thanks for the feedback. And yes, you’re right. I think what bothers me the most is that it’s such a selfish thing to do. I had already told him that if he was tempted to do it again- to the point of not being able to control himself (which I’ll never believe)- then tell me first and let me go. Because it’s just not fair to me and I didn’t want or deserve to be drug through that again. (Of course, he didn’t.) There’s just a profound lack of consideration for anybody but himself. I guess that’s what bothers me the most. I really can’t stand selfish people. (And he seems to be the epitome of that.)

      February 6, 2017 at 4:13 pm

      • Emp

        Taking care of yourself is not a bad thing. That’s why you should yourself before him. You two only love one another as long as you value yourself and your partner.

        He might have issues that keep him from opening up. Maybe he does want his cake and eat it too as you say, but doesn’t know how or doesn’t see a reason to stop.

        In any case, you can only share how you think and it’s up to people individually to be accountable for their actions. That’s why I say take time for youself, but that’s not much help due to the change happening. I’ll get off my high horse now.

        February 6, 2017 at 5:40 pm

      • Nah…all feedback is welcomed. Every new perspective offers something different, so it’s all good. 😉 Well, we’ve spoken many times on the matter and he truly wants to stop; or so he says. But you know, if I didn’t want to stand in front of a moving train, I wouldn’t. Or, if I didn’t want to eat beets, I wouldn’t. So I have to question one’s validity when he says that he doesn’t want to do something, but runs head first into it, without so much as a lingering notion of the consequences. Anywho…blarghh. Whatevuh. It all boils down to- I can’t be with a man who cannot consecrate his heart to me as I’ve done for him. So, that’s all she wrote.

        February 6, 2017 at 9:11 pm

  7. elmediat

    All the best. It is not easy going through difficult personal times right now. You want to escape into other things and the headlines & the talk is full of corrosive emotions. .

    Being creative & sharing ideas helps a bit. Take care & hold on to your sense of self.

    The sequence of photos are very atmospheric, capturing a sense of time, place & memory. 🙂

    February 7, 2017 at 12:46 am

    • Hey, thanks for your sagely words and support right now. 😉 Yeah; for me, creating and making art is my therapy. Really, for the kind of stuff I do and my personal style- a brooding, dark sky and atmosphere sort of brings out the best in my art! Some people thrive in the sun; I thrive in the shade. That said, that doesn’t mean I prefer a darker outlook on the world, etc. (Quite the opposite.) Speaking of art- you know- better than most just how satisfying black and whites (and sepias) can be, and not long ago I was determined to shoot only in black and white- for the entire next year- and so I have. 🙂 I shoot in RAW, understandably, and the pics are automatically converted over to colour in Photoshop. Shooting in only black and white allows me to focus on the tonality, shapres, and lighting/exposure rather than focus on colours. So, all of these (Texas shots were shot in black and white.) Anyway, thanks again, and I hope you’re doing well! x

      February 7, 2017 at 10:42 am

  8. Well this was beautifully written, though I’m first of all VERY sorry about your aunt, and I’m equally if not moreso sorry about your…additional heartache. I’m still sorting mine out and it’s been…jesus…6 months now? Years and years build on your heart though as you know, making some things impossible to scrub out of it. Day by day my dear, that’s all you can do right now. Your photos (per usual) are gorgeous as well. Been thinking about you in my absence. ❤

    March 1, 2017 at 12:25 am

    • Thankfully, things are much better now! We’ve come to an understanding that if he ventures into that territory again, I’m gone. (He explained that he was unaware that those were the rules- despite our 10 years together. Riiiight…heheh.) I know things have been rough for you in this area too for a while. I hope you find the person of your dreams soon! You SO deserve it. You’ve had a tough run of things for a while now, God knows. I have missed reading your posts SO much! Somehow, reading about how crappy things have been sometimes for you reminds me that it’s not just “me and my life”- but that it’s standard procedure for a lot of us. Regardless, we make it through- battle scars and all- and are able to be examples for others who are where we were a few years ago. As always, you’re an inspiration; because despite the battle, you carry on, and you don’t give up! You’d be surprised at how strengthening that is for others. Keep on keeping on. 😉 x

      March 1, 2017 at 9:34 pm

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