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Posts tagged “walking through the fire

My Old Friend, PAIN

Despite my courageous front, there’s no getting around the gut-wrenching pain that goes with a break-up. My heart feels like it’s being eaten out by wild rabbits. Raw raw pain.

When Josh and I split up a year ago, it was fairly easy. I just froze everything. I put myself into an emotional cryogenic chamber to protect myself. It worked. I cried only once through the entire winter and shoved him clean out of my mind (and heart) when a memory tried to come creeping in. But not this time. This time I’m in the fire. And, as I foolishly told him in an email, my heart is burning with a million degrees of love for him. This SUCKS.

I thought Joan Crawford would do the trick- Mildred Pierce is like- the best thing ever when you’re breaking up. And when that didn’t work, I jacked it up a notch. Fatal Attraction didn’t help much either! Haha…

I’m scared to think of what I might try next for comfort. Nothing’s “working”, and I know- of all people- that I have to walk through the pain. Feel the damage. Bleed with it.

It’s just too recent still. Not enough time has passed to stitch up the wounds. We mourn people when they die; why is a breakup any different? I’m mourning the death of what we once had. 😦

No, only time can ease this pain. We always knew that someday, we’d have to let each other go. He’s 27, and his biological clock is ticking. He wants to start a family and do all of that good stuff- and by all means- he should. And he has every right to do that and be happy in doing so. It just sucks to “not be needed” suddenly. He’s been “my guy” for 8 years now. It confuses my brain to think “He’s off to find Ms. Right. I wish him well!”

This is hard. Any ole way you slice it. But all breakups are. This time I don’t have my anger to protect me. I’m just all mushy and made of oatmeal and crying 10 times per day. There’s no other place to go than through the fire.

I guess it’s just my turn.

Goodbye