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My Old Friend, PAIN

Despite my courageous front, there’s no getting around the gut-wrenching pain that goes with a break-up. My heart feels like it’s being eaten out by wild rabbits. Raw raw pain.

When Josh and I split up a year ago, it was fairly easy. I just froze everything. I put myself into an emotional cryogenic chamber to protect myself. It worked. I cried only once through the entire winter and shoved him clean out of my mind (and heart) when a memory tried to come creeping in. But not this time. This time I’m in the fire. And, as I foolishly told him in an email, my heart is burning with a million degrees of love for him. This SUCKS.

I thought Joan Crawford would do the trick- Mildred Pierce is like- the best thing ever when you’re breaking up. And when that didn’t work, I jacked it up a notch. Fatal Attraction didn’t help much either! Haha…

I’m scared to think of what I might try next for comfort. Nothing’s “working”, and I know- of all people- that I have to walk through the pain. Feel the damage. Bleed with it.

It’s just too recent still. Not enough time has passed to stitch up the wounds. We mourn people when they die; why is a breakup any different? I’m mourning the death of what we once had. 😦

No, only time can ease this pain. We always knew that someday, we’d have to let each other go. He’s 27, and his biological clock is ticking. He wants to start a family and do all of that good stuff- and by all means- he should. And he has every right to do that and be happy in doing so. It just sucks to “not be needed” suddenly. He’s been “my guy” for 8 years now. It confuses my brain to think “He’s off to find Ms. Right. I wish him well!”

This is hard. Any ole way you slice it. But all breakups are. This time I don’t have my anger to protect me. I’m just all mushy and made of oatmeal and crying 10 times per day. There’s no other place to go than through the fire.

I guess it’s just my turn.

Goodbye

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14 responses

  1. 😦

    “I’m mourning the death of what we once had” – and, I would add, you are mourning the loss of what you might have had, too.

    Of course you are right – you have to walk through this. Now, or later, you have to walk through it. And I know you know that. I’m sorry you feel so shitty.

    February 23, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    • Wow Mag. You’re absolutely right. I never considered that, but you’re right! I AM mourning what “might have been”. Sigh. Yeah, I do feel pretty bad but it’s like anything else. The pain is a prerequisite for joy later. I know that much. ;0) Thanks for stopping by and for your much needed and welcome insight. x

      February 23, 2015 at 10:22 pm

  2. yvo

    I am sorry to hear this B, but it is not surprising. Yes a relationship ending is a death. and there is no getting around the grief when you are in the midst of it, but it really will ease off. Grief takes a lot of energy and I find I need more sleep, rest and quiet. I will be praying for you and I just did. In the meantime sending a gentle hug my friend. Please take good care of yourself. xx

    February 23, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    • Thanks so much, Y. I totally have been thinking of you a lot lately! Especially after these last few weeks. I know you’ve really been through the ringer too. Yeah, I’ve been resting and in bed (been sick for 12 days now!) but I’m feeling a wee bit stronger than the day before. This has been a long time coming, as you know. Thanks again for your love and support, as always. p.s. I still have your (now dried) flowers on my bookcase in my living room from a year ago. :0) They’re still doing the trick! xo

      February 23, 2015 at 10:19 pm

  3. that kind of pain, for me, is as bad as my childhood pain.
    feel very much the same.
    my thoughts are with you.

    February 23, 2015 at 10:42 pm

  4. Very very very touching .well, i have been through this phase. All i can say is u can only heal ur pain after accepting that he is gone and whatever has happened is good. It was in ur best interest. Nothing will heal it except time. One year is a huge time. You should be over it by now but u r not coz u r not letting go.please realise that he is gone and will never come back.once you will kill the hope than you will try to ease ur pain. My prayers are with u … Along with it … A warm hug n lots of strength… Get over it … U can do it … And the sooner you would do it… The sooner you would open other opportunities to knock your door. Lots of love

    February 24, 2015 at 9:43 am

    • Hello, and thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts with me. You’re mistaken though; we’ve only been separated for 2 weeks- not one year. Two weeks is not long at all, and it indeed takes longer than 14 days to begin to heal.

      But I’ve been through this before. And yes, I do let go, and will again, but just as it’s not healthy to hold onto something for a long time (that’s potentially toxic), it’s equally hazardous to “let go” before its time too. The grieving process happens in steps, you know? Not all at once. I’m not at the letting go phase yet, but will be soon. And when it’s time to do that, I’ll do it with all of my heart, as I do everything. Thanks again. ;0)

      February 24, 2015 at 11:26 am

  5. My heart goes out to you. Have been there and found out – instead of a door closing it was a new wonderful door opening. After a short failed marriage, I found my most wonderful, awesome hubby of 31 years. So hang in there through the pain, knowing that something better is waiting for you! hugs!

    February 24, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    • Thanks for sharing this with me, Arlene. That’s encouraging! :0) I too know and understand that pain, heartache, and sorrow are all prerequisites for upcoming JOY. Knowing that eases the pain tremendously. Hearing soothing accounts and testimonies such as yours make it even better, so again, thanks for that much needed shot in the arm. ;0) x

      February 24, 2015 at 2:02 pm

  6. Oh I’m so so sorry 😦 Break-ups hurt like crazy. They just suck! I went through a break up several years ago and really thought it was going to kill me. I wish there was something I could say or do to help make it better for you. I think stepping into the fire and letting yourself grieve is one of the most healing things in the long run, although it REALLY sucks in the now! You are in my thoughts!!

    xoxo

    P.S. I really love this: “I put myself in an emotional cryogenic chamber..” So cleverly put!

    February 25, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    • You’re a gem, Amy. :0) Today is MUCH better than I was feeling even two days ago. You guys are all awesome, and I’ve received a lot of support from my friends! It makes all the difference in the world. Thanks again for that. 😉

      February 25, 2015 at 3:46 pm

  7. It’s true. Mourning is exactly what it is. I’m sorry sweetie.

    March 1, 2015 at 9:25 pm

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