photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

Deeply

Love breaks through…
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I can hardly believe the dramatic changes that have happened to me since I last posted. Doggy Daddy Josh made good on his repayment, and I’ve been able to pay (almost) everything off so that we’re at least back up to “barely struggling”. The stress is rolling away.

My oldest daughter returned to Bloomington- her visit was literally life-changing for me. She taught me how to meditate! I have no idea why it’s taken me so long to put such an easy practice into practice, but we had some down time at the Ohio River among the driftwood and sandy beach area. I took my school books with me (and actually read that day) but I decided to try the meditation then. I sat down in a sandy area- munchies, purse, and all of my necessities surrounding me- and sat straight up in Indian style, closed my eyes, purposefully oxidizing and forcing the air in and out through methodical, slow breathing, and pushed everything out of my mind. It’s not the same thing as burying it. I know that we (as people) have the power and ability to accept messages, both positive and negative (also known as encoding); therefore I know that we have the same ability to release them. So that is what I did.

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J and I have made peace with each other completely and really fought for our friendship. Over the years, our relationships with each other have swelled and shrunk and swelled (and shrunk) again from new acquaintances, to very good friends, to fiancés, back to very good friends, distant friends, best friends, “life partners” sharing an existence and cohabitating, distant friends again, best friends again- we have learned to transmutate in and out of each other and morph into and apart from each other quickly, like water. Through it all, we’ve remained friends. I will never have eyes for anybody else, and if it were to happen, a house would have to fall on me.

That said, I’m very much enjoying my newly liberated status, and my space! I’m fiercely private (and have never even been on Skype, although several of my friends are putting serious heat on me in that area from across the pond) but I don’t get much down time these days, and when I do- I write and sing songs.

God has poured no less than 12 new songs into me over the past two months. It’s always been that way with me: the darker my days, the better and more frequent my songs. And, it’s not uncommon for us artists to bleed out our pain and sorrows. It makes for bubblier personalities! But it’s my way.

I want so much to just work on a CD; all original material- my songs in Drop D (acoustic/electric guitar and the piano) but I absolutely must power through and finish up my degree in Behavioral Sciences first. I remember what Sharon Osbourne said on TV once. She was advising a group of women to harness their attention, energy, and focus on one thing, and to devote their drive toward that one thing. Otherwise, she would be all over the place and perhaps spread herself out too thin. I think on that always.

But still, I have a scream in me- my new songs are coming out of my ears! I’ve recorded small bursts of HD video when a new song hits me and file it away. I have about 15, although I’ve written around 50 over the past 7 years or so. I’ll pull them up after the semester’s over and select only one to lay down on a 4 track and then polish it up. (And so on and so forth.)

Josh asked me if I’d like to work on a CD together: I’m down with that. 🙂
I love that man and I can’t deny it. Still, I’m learning to approach my environment and stressful situations from a scientific perspective, rather than an emotional one. This is something I’m learning to do through my studies. It’s alright to shut everything down emotionally- temporarily– and navigate through those ferocious waters, as long as they’re dissected and processed afterwards when it’s “safe” to do so. Even if it’s days later, that’s ok, as long as it gets done.

My daughter, Heidi, shared something with me several years ago that was again life-changing for me. She told me that we don’t always have the necessary tools to go back through our pasts and dig up “old bones” as it were. We might dig up years worth of buried things and not be able to reassemble them, she said. I never forgot that. She has helped me so very much, and I do have to give Brian and Brianna much credit too. Brian Bob has come to me over the years with wisdom beyond his own years, and poured his healing balm over my heart. Brianna has shot me between the eyes with a poker face with hard truths that I’ve needed to hear- that girl can really let you have it! But still respectfully. Heidi is the “light bringer” of sorts. I’m so grateful and humbled by her endless search for truth and love and for sharing with me what she gathers along the way.

Heidi, exhibiting an impressive form.
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I’m convinced that I have the best kids in the world. But doesn’t every mom think that?

More good news!
I found out that all of my classes are actually open enrollment and I “accidentally” started school one month earlier than my classmates. Hence, my posting now to my blog. :0)

After paying $1,800 worth of very pregnant bills, I’ll have only $500 or so left. I have waited 27 years to buy a professional microphone so that I can record high quality songs. The same can be said for an electric stage piano, and Washburn acoustic electric guitar- I’m waiting no longer. I’ve placed an order for all of them and I am crazy with excitement! The microphone I bought (and has already shipped) is a Yeti (Blue Microphones) USB mic- silver edition. [You can click on the link to view it.] It’s a gorgeous mic! I also put an order in for this: Nady pop filter. Things are slowly coming together in the music department.

Josh is an amazing musician: his talent shines in rhythm (D&B) but especially rhythm guitar. He has a soulful, bluesy wail that hits you right in the heart when he sings. I’ll be working with him in vocal training- I’ve been a singer since I was 6 perhaps? “Perfect pitch” they call it, but these days I am so very rusty. Singing comes naturally for Heidi and me- we don’t have to try hard- it just flows out of us, but she truly takes it to a whole ‘nother level. The girl is phenomenal.

I’ll be broke again before I know it, but heck- the bills are paid (mostly) and my car has gas in it. I can’t complain.

There’s a dove serenading me outside of my window. It sings for me every morning. I think maybe I’m just eavesdropping. I received this email this morning; it put a big smile on my face:

Dear Birgitta,
I love your Hallelujah song on Divine Office…What beautiful melody, voice, lyrics!  
Please send me the mp3 so I may share with my women’s bible study.

Thank you and God bless,
[Name omitted for confidentiality]

Oh- oh…and more good news!
I donated a copy of my children’s book Peanut Butter Soup to my local library. My friend who works there is putting it into circulation. But also, upon donating it, she invited me to join her book club in which she features local authors. I was delighted and happy to accept.

I cherish my dark hours because they bring me closer to God. But I absolutely love bathing in the Light. Today I am deeply grateful and deeply happy.

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6 responses

  1. I love your pure, sweet, uncensored sharings here my friend….. perhaps you feel they are censored, or you have held back, but for me, I read between all the lines, and see you. I see you. What a beautiful, courageous talented soul. So glad to be walking the planet while you are here.
    And I wish you every success with your music (and everything else that flows from and through you) – I believe in you!

    April 11, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    • Wendy, I can’t thank you enough for always being there for me. You are truly one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I value you SO much. I want to write you later on what I’ve discovered regarding Evening Primrose (which I’m now taking, twice daily), but somehow get the feeling that you’re light years ahead of me in that area..heheh.. (And I bet I’m right.) :0) Things are incredibly good for me right now, I say “right now” because you know how the cycles of joy and pain work. We have to embrace both seasons equally! I try to do that, but DANG I’m rebellious! I hope things are going well for you and your little ones. I smile (big) when I think of you guys. Love you. 🙂 I’ll write soon. 😉

      April 12, 2013 at 4:09 pm

  2. It’s so great to hear how you are doing! I’m thankful that you have worked it out, at least on a friendship level, with your x, I’m sure your dog is really pleased too haha. It makes things so much less stressful when everyone at least gets along. And you are right, when you have someone in your life for so long it’s really hard to imagine them not being in it in some form.

    I completely agree with you about writing songs too! I get the most inspired to write blogs when I’m going through a really hard time. I say even if you can’t record the songs yet, write everything down that comes to mind. I swear peoples music is 100000 times better when they are NOT married and NOT happy haha. I used to love Avril Lavines music…and Pink’s, however, once they got married it seemed like they lost their edge of anger that I could appreciate. There is one music video though of Avril Lavine after she broke up with her husband.. I dunno if it was called Cry or something like that? Anyway, it shows her crying through the entire video. I figured they did it with makeup but read an article. She said they offered her lemons but she refused…all of it is real crying. I had a lot of respect of that because it came from a place of real pain that her listeners could relate too.

    When does your semmester end? I’ve finished 3 of my 4 classes. My crappy Intor to Lit is harder than my World Lit or ENG 111 & 112 classes were combined which is so frustrating. Teacher is slow to grade and grades harshly. Your almost done hang in there! Any more thoughts of where you might transfer too?

    And meditation is amazing. I learned about it in my Stress Management class. I really want to start doing it every afternoon. I have a good youtube video I found . I will send you the link if you like listening to ocean sounds ?

    April 12, 2013 at 11:28 am

    • Yes, Chance is ecstatic. 🙂 He sees both of us and it’s great for him to see that Doggy Mommy and Doggy Daddy can co-raise a him and have respect and peace with one another. That is so rare between x’s where real children are concerned, but it’s how things are with my children’s father and myself too. For the past 7 years, we’ve remained neutral (and again, peaceful) with one another for the kids’ sake. We never slag on each other and we’re never disrespectful in front of them. I can’t stress the importance of composing oneself around the children (especially), but really, altogether with an x. I’m on excellent terms with all of my exes and don’t like to have bitter blood (at all) with me and somebody that I’ve shared a life with. So, I don’t. And I know just what you’re saying about single artists having a greater edge and I agree wholeheartedly. I’m sure Adelle’s music will start taking a nosedive after she’s been married for a few years..haha. I mostly write during those darker, edgier times, so that way, later, when I’m in “the Light” and things are bountiful, joyous, etc. I can still channel that desolation and test of strength and character that is needed to be REAL when singing. I make it a point to never sing what I don’t feel- that’s so important to me. And hey- good luck in that INTOR to LIT class. I’ve heard that’s almost as hard as IntRO to LIT…haaa… (just messing with ya. I’m the typo queen you know…) 😉 You can do it. You’re a good writer and you have a good head on your shoulders. Channel that Stress Management class! Let me know how that goes. And thanks for your never ending support, M&M. XO

      April 12, 2013 at 4:22 pm

  3. claude

    What th’ hell are you doing on this blog? Hit those books, Buster!!! 😮

    April 15, 2013 at 8:52 am

    • I’m moderating stalkers like you!

      (Ok. Playing hookie. But whatever.)

      heheh…

      April 15, 2013 at 12:04 pm

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