I’m feeling strong tonight. I’ve been reflecting on my life and the directions I want to go in. Sometimes my vision gets a little blurry just like the next guy (or gal) and I find myself at a crossroad, not knowing which way to go. I guess we all do.
I have already enrolled in a prestigious New Hampshire/New England college- it’s a great school. Poor girl like me, I should be doing a tap dance, and, well I did for a little while. But as always, I put my head on the chopping block and engaged in some necessary introspective Q&A. Why am I doing this? What is my purpose? Am I changing lives for the better? Will I be happy?
If I can’t answer every question with a resolute, unwavering answer- then it’s probably not the right decision. I don’t do things halfway- I throw every ounce of my heart into it or I don’t do it. And well, I’ve been waiting for four long years to dive back into my fine art/writing/music and songwriting, and my children’s book that I published almost a decade ago. I’ve done one school book reading in years- one! That’s how busy I’ve been, and that hurts, because there’s nothing like school readings, especially when you’re sharing your own book (and your own life, which my book is- in poems) with a whole new generation. To know that you’re able to influence a child- for the better- and give him or her something that they can carry with them into the future (such as being kind to people, remembering to love, and especially- not bullying their classmates), and hopefully become better people- there’s just nothing that can compare to that.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to immediately work on my BA in Creative Writing: I’ll be taking a year off. I’ve already accomplished something that many people don’t, and that’s self-publishing your own book. [pat on the back] But, I want to actually do something with it. I’m going to shop it around to publishers soon. If nobody bites, I’m going to have to do some grant-writing and such, and that’s ok too. I simply don’t have the necessary funds to do a U.S. book promo and two consecutive books (and promote those too) without executive backing. Without the funding- it’ll sit on the shelf and the best I’ll do is contribute time and energy to Boys & Girls clubs, children’s cancer hospitals, and homeless shelters, personally. That’s alright too, but everything will be out of pocket, and right now, it just wouldn’t be possible.
I’m going to give it a year. If I’m still sitting here a year from now- without one grant, fellowship, or publishing deal (for my fine art and “photo therapy”, the therapeutic photo-program I’m hoping to develop, or a book deal)- I’ll go back to school and work on another degree. I have to follow my heart though, and my heart is telling me to fly…
Canron Rebel digital camera/Helios film lens/back deck.
This entry was posted on November 5, 2013 by monochromejunkie. It was filed under Uncategorized and was tagged with authors, book deal, creative writing, fellowship, grants, Peanut butter Soup, philanthropy, poems, poetry books, publishers, scholarships, writing.
Hi B!!! I am very glad to read this. take a bit of time and see. every student collapses(I know it was true when I finished my Masters) after staggering across the finish line. exhale. regroup. sleep like a little log. enjoy some down time and then promote and create! I have been caring for my dog and now she is in heaven . . chasing bunnies made of spam. or whatever is heaven to pups. I pictured Jesus with His sweet face giving her a welcome home snuggle. but . . there is a hole in my heart. my little puppy girl so sweet and gentle steps next to other beloved pets and my Mama, my babies and others that will welcome me home . . . but sometimes i just wanna go home so bad. Her dying brought up bad memories of childhood neglect and i was an inconsolable child . . that was one of her gifts to me in passing . . hasn’t set yet still so raw and fresh outta surgery.. will you say a prayer for me? love to you gf. xoxo
November 6, 2013 at 12:11 am
Y, I’ll definitely say a prayer for you- I keep you in my prayers, always. I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. :0( I know that it can seem like losing a child (and I would know) and I sure hope your heart heals quickly.
I had no idea you have your Masters- wow. That’s impressive! The way I’m feeling now (sooo tired and way past burnout) I could take 5 years off and be just fine. Still, you’re a great role model and perhaps I will go back after the first year off but I’m going to set out like Pippi Longstocking and embrace my inner (very strange) artist..heheh… Hope you feel better soon, Y. Love you too. Big hugs. XO
November 6, 2013 at 12:23 am
Sometimes breaks give you a fresher /clearer perspective, it will help you focus on what you really need and want. Go fly and I will remember to mention you at the throne for clarity and guidance. Love ya.
November 7, 2013 at 12:53 am
Hey, thanks. Love you too. :0) You know, 4 years of cramming theories/perspectives of psychology and sociology (and I’m still a Christian! heheh..) year after year taxes the soul. I am ready for a BREAK. Thanks again. xo
November 7, 2013 at 12:57 am
do you sell your photography? I forgot to ask you this lol. If so, I would love to buy like to get a large print of that tree to put in my office. I love it. It’s so relaxing and is def one of my favorites . If not that is totally ok but wanted to ask and see how much pricing was versus size.
November 8, 2013 at 10:57 am
You wouldn’t want to buy what others have to pay, M&M- my prints are usually over $100. (I had an interested buyer from Uruguay once who was totally OK with the asking price of $730 for one of my B&W panoramic tree/woods shots.) Also, I don’t sell my prints to my close friends, and you are a close friend. :0) Check your email later- I’m sending over a large file of the tree- print it out at Kinkos or some other semi-professional printing place and you won’t be disappointed with the quality. (You could use Walgreens or Walmart too, but I’m not super happy with their results.) Anyway, check your email later. This one’s on the house, and I’ll even inscribe it to you personally. The catch is that you can’t print it out for anybody else- only you! xo
November 8, 2013 at 3:17 pm
Hey ! you are amazing ❤ Thank you so much!!!!!! best present I've gotten in a long time. I would though have been fine paying the asking price if I could. Maybe in the hundred range (not that your not worth quadruple that) your work is stunning. However, unsure my poor ass could compete with the man for Uruguay hahaha I want to know what profession he is in. How wonderful that would be to drop over a half grand on a beautiful piece of art. Truly hope that is me one day 🙂 Thank you again. I will take a picture of how it looks in the new place!!!!! ❤
November 8, 2013 at 4:26 pm
Awesome. :0) It’s not uncommon for artists/photographers to give their good buds personal pieces of their work/art. Still, I’m very careful what I give out and to whom. One time, a (stalker) person wanted to use my “oops” shot (red lipstick smear- self portrait shot) for something- I thought she was going to use it as a desktop wallpaper thingy, or maybe print it personally- so I let her use it. (This was year ago and I was really green back then.) She took it, made it her own personal avatar (MY pic!) and was posting all over the place using my mug as her own. Guh! (That “Oops” shot, which is my WordPress avatar- is well known at Redbubble and other sites: people know that’s me.) I was so mad at her…heheh. I wrote her and told her to take my pic down immediately and to never use it again.
So yeah, I’m more careful now, but I totally trust you, Jen, and I know you’re good for your word. (Or I wouldn’t have offered.) So yes, check your email afterwhile! :0)
November 8, 2013 at 4:47 pm