photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

A Salute to the Broken-Hearted

This is for you, whoever you are. You, who have been destroyed by “the one who loved you”. I too have been destroyed- not by love, but by hate. Because the one that I loved used me, abused me, and in the end- discarded me as rubbish.

Me! Of all people. It’s true.

This is proof that even the strong become weak in the race of love. You can only hope that you can hobble your way to a shaded tree in the end, and take refuge.

I was destroyed by a man who I gave my heart to. And he toyed with me. Like a cat.

With porn.
With hate.
With rage.
With pay-backs.
With more porn.
With stalking me.
With even MORE porn.
He betrayed me to the depths.

In the end, he destroyed me.
The worst of all, is that he believes that it is I who destroyed him.

Ahh…but isn’t that how it goes?

So I’m moving on. I write this to say, whoever you are, that I too know what it’s like to be utterly destroyed by a man, or “significant other” who you believe shelters your heart- like no other.

It’s a lie.

And on that note, I take my leave. I’m devastated, shattered, and in a million pieces on the floor.

No doubt I’ll be back! Someday, when I’m whole again.

Until then, I’m MIA.

CrushedMJ

Grey days are here again. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4- bedroom window. 3.1.15

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7 responses

  1. I’m SO SOOO sorry you are going through this crap! I am thinking of you and sending love. Hope you start to feel better (or even bitter) soon!!

    xoxoxoxoO

    March 1, 2015 at 4:31 pm

  2. no. not porn!
    ….ewwww !!!!

    March 1, 2015 at 10:08 pm

  3. Claude O

    You’re too strong a Woman and too much a fighter to let this overpower you, Hon. I’ve been on the receiving end of episodes like this…and it’s NOT fun. At all. But…I bounced back and continued on. You will, too. Don’t ask me how…I just know you will. :))

    March 2, 2015 at 8:33 am

    • It’s eating my heart out alive, C. But you’re right. I know I will too. DAMN I hate being weak!

      March 2, 2015 at 8:46 am

  4. I think it shows such strength when strong people show their weakness. You are hands down one of the strongest and most inspiring women I have ever met. You were there for me when I felt like I was dying (and I do mean dying) during my divorce. You reminded me that it would pass, that I was better than that situation, and that there was more out there. So I want to do the absolute same for you. I know for a fact from having survived them that these horrible sickening lonesome feelings will pass. It takes our brain a minute to come out of shock and recall what it is like to actually be on our OWN. We get so tied to a person that we almost mold to them. We forget how to act human and function independently without them by our side. I would say that during this time, try to put all the feelings you are experiencing into art. Some of the best art happens when we express pain through it. I’m happy you and Josh had many good memories together. However, never in a million years do you deserve to be talked to, treated harshly, or abused. There is no excuse in the world for that. You are on the right path and clearly Josh is trying to lead you off on the wrong one. It truly sounds like you made the healthiest and strongest decision walking away from him and moving on. I don’t think that is the hardest part though. The hardest part is when he comes back, when he is sorry, when he promises it will not happen again. Remember that just because something or someone is FAMILIAR does not mean they are good for us. I kept going back to Nick. I missed the comfort of what was familiar. The idea I had built up in my mind that this familiarity was safe. Now I realize we create our own future and our own safety. If we find someone to share that with then wonderful, but no one person has the right to give or take those things away from you. You are a human being who has worked your ever living ass off to get to where you are. Birgitta you have beautiful children, gorgeous art, are a gifted writer, amazing cook, appreciate simplicity, compassionate heart, are a go getter, animal rescuer, extremely humorous and yet so real, etc. Notice Josh’s name is not listed anywhere in that list of things that make you. He may have complimented you at one time but that time has clearly come and gone. Instead of being happy or jealous of the woman that gets him, pity her a little. Believe me, this does help as I have done this with Nicks still current gf that moved in after he pretty much threw me out. I think of the crappy sex, late night shifts, horrible potential mother in law, how much she must clean up after him, how he doesn’t motivate her, his selfishness, the jealousy that consumes him, etc, that she has to put up with……. and I smile. 🙂 You will again too. Know that I love you, I care, and I am here. This will pass.

    March 2, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    • Jen, only YOU could have written such an effective and personalized post to me right now- I mean that. I really think you nailed every single bit of it! Thank you SO much for putting things into a very real perspective for me. You know how it is- we’re blinded by what we want to see, and by what we want to be real. It isn’t reality at all- and yes, Josh is a mirage. And, he’s really dangerous for me. He quite literally destroyed my heart.

      But I love the way you worded all of this here! He doesn’t “make the list” of the sum of me: not even a part of me. Thanks again a million times over for telling me what I need to hear at such a crucial time in my life. As you know, it means a LOT to me.

      It’s “my turn” in the furnace, sister, and damn it burns! But it’s what molds us, eh? And in the end, that same fire will burn away all of the ugly parts of me- pure gold.

      I remember telling you to turn your pain into art- there’s no better time! And now I must eat my own words. 😉 Love you too- so much. Thanks again. XO

      March 2, 2015 at 9:32 pm

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