So I’m here again. AGAIN.
You’d think I’d have learned the first 25 times. But no. I trusted again. Believed again. Gave him every chance in the world. But I’m not enough for him. And I’ll never be. He’s shown me that he’s just like Martin. Just like all the others. No matter how much love I give, and faithfulness I give to him, it’s not enough. He told me just 2 night ago; he’s “unfulfilled”, and he’s not happy. I reminded him that he’s spent the last 3 weeks working 6 days, back to back + he spends many hours on top of that driving or stuck in traffic. We barely see each other! We haven’t gone camping, or fishing, or out to dinner, or ANYTHING for many weeks. He’s put his job before us. Again. And again. And again. So yeah, I guess he IS “unfulfilled”. How does he think I feel? We had made plans to plant vegetables and start a garden, and replace our front door and just spend time together this weekend, doing fun stuff. And then the day before we were supposed to, he tells me that he has to work instead. But he didn’t even tell his boss about our plans! He just got railroaded. And he let it happen. No fights, no qualms, no nothing. Not even a whisper about our plans. NOTHING.
He’s got a dream to become a crew leader and be a big shot. Like that’ll “fulfill him”. Sure.
I just need to get all of this stuff off my chest. I’m so tired of him looking at porn. We’ve been through this a million times! I can’t allow myself to be anybody’s sloppy 2nds- especially to that. So he leaves me no choice but to barricade myself away from him. I have to protect what’s left of me.
He’s gone. Took his weed and flew the coop! My car is shot to hell at the moment so I’m carless- no way to get to the store- nada. The grass is severely overgrown. I have no way to mow it. He knows this.
I cried last night; I was lying on his shoulder and begged him to help me. To take this pain away. He gave it to me! A person shouldn’t break another person if they don’t have what it takes to fix them afterwards. It’s just so wrong. So I begged him to help me.
:Please. Just help me through this storm,” I begged him.
And he fell asleep on me. 10+ times. So I knew his heart was just GONE. What a selfish, SELFISH thing to do to somebody. So I got up and locked myself away here in the bedroom. Where I’ll probably be for the next 6 months.
They say time heals. They lie. Time just separates you from the pain. Sort of dulls it a little. But time doesn’t heal.
So here I am again. Clean slate. Smashed to bits.
This is for you, whoever you are. You, who have been destroyed by “the one who loved you”. I too have been destroyed- not by love, but by hate. Because the one that I loved used me, abused me, and in the end- discarded me as rubbish.
Me! Of all people. It’s true.
This is proof that even the strong become weak in the race of love. You can only hope that you can hobble your way to a shaded tree in the end, and take refuge.
I was destroyed by a man who I gave my heart to. And he toyed with me. Like a cat.
With more porn.
With stalking me.
With even MORE porn.
He betrayed me to the depths.
In the end, he destroyed me.
The worst of all, is that he believes that it is I who destroyed him.
Ahh…but isn’t that how it goes?
So I’m moving on. I write this to say, whoever you are, that I too know what it’s like to be utterly destroyed by a man, or “significant other” who you believe shelters your heart- like no other.
It’s a lie.
And on that note, I take my leave. I’m devastated, shattered, and in a million pieces on the floor.
No doubt I’ll be back! Someday, when I’m whole again.
Until then, I’m MIA.
Grey days are here again. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4- bedroom window. 3.1.15