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Smashed to Bits…Again

red earth dirt road texas

So I’m here again. AGAIN.

You’d think I’d have learned the first 25 times. But no. I trusted again. Believed again. Gave him every chance in the world. But I’m not enough for him. And I’ll never be. He’s shown me that he’s just like Martin. Just like all the others. No matter how much love I give, and faithfulness I give to him, it’s not enough. He told me just 2 night ago; he’s “unfulfilled”, and he’s not happy. I reminded him that he’s spent the last 3 weeks working 6 days, back to back + he spends many hours on top of that driving or stuck in traffic. We barely see each other! We haven’t gone camping, or fishing, or out to dinner, or ANYTHING for many weeks. He’s put his job before us. Again. And again. And again. So yeah, I guess he IS “unfulfilled”. How does he think I feel? We had made plans to plant vegetables and start a garden, and replace our front door and just spend time together this weekend, doing fun stuff. And then the day before we were supposed to, he tells me that he has to work instead. But he didn’t even tell his boss about our plans! He just got railroaded. And he let it happen. No fights, no qualms, no nothing. Not even a whisper about our plans. NOTHING.

He’s got a dream to become a crew leader and be a big shot. Like that’ll “fulfill him”. Sure.

I just need to get all of this stuff off my chest. I’m so tired of him looking at porn. We’ve been through this a million times! I can’t allow myself to be anybody’s sloppy 2nds- especially to that. So he leaves me no choice but to barricade myself away from him. I have to protect what’s left of me.

He’s gone. Took his weed and flew the coop! My car is shot to hell at the moment so I’m carless- no way to get to the store- nada. The grass is severely overgrown. I have no way to mow it. He knows this.

I cried last night; I was lying on his shoulder and begged him to help me. To take this pain away. He gave it to me! A person shouldn’t break another person if they don’t have what it takes to fix them afterwards. It’s just so wrong. So I begged him to help me.

:Please. Just help me through this storm,” I begged him.

And he fell asleep on me.  10+ times. So I knew his heart was just GONE. What a selfish, SELFISH thing to do to somebody. So I got up and locked myself away here in the bedroom. Where I’ll probably be for the next 6 months.

They say time heals. They lie. Time just separates you from the pain. Sort of dulls it a little. But time doesn’t heal.

So here I am again. Clean slate. Smashed to bits.

Again.

 

12 responses

  1. sounds really awful.
    hi unconscious behaviors are his responsibility, not yours.

    My heart goes out to you.

    (as of September 8th 2018, i will be 20 years out of an intimate relationship).

    July 1, 2018 at 8:55 pm

    • Yeah, you’re right. Wow, G! 20 years! Looks like I’ll be joining you in that department. Save me a seat. 😉

      July 1, 2018 at 9:40 pm

      • Okay…I will. Relationship s, for me are really difficult, due to my PTSD.

        July 1, 2018 at 11:19 pm

      • Yeah, I hear that. I think being sexually abused as a child ruined me- like- forever. It makes things like being cheated on exceptionally painful- waaaaay more than it should be. Brings up the darkness. So I have to fight my way back to the light- swimming against the sharks. (And the monsters.) I know you know exactly what I mean there! I guess some of us were just meant to walk alone, eh? Thanks for your kindness, Gav. Right now, it’s a life raft. x

        July 1, 2018 at 11:24 pm

  2. “A person shouldn’t break another person if they don’t have what it takes to fix them afterwards.” is a beautiful line.

    I hope you find solace on here, or with family and friends, or on a silly night beneath lovely sky. Stay strong.

    July 2, 2018 at 12:36 am

    • You’re not wrong on all accounts. I wish it were so easy that I could simply “take out the trash.” (And by that, I mean the destruction- not him.) The following day, he was lying on the couch and hadn’t eaten and was just completely wrecked. He explained to me that he doesn’t want to do it any more than I want him to. He’s a captive to his own behavior. But that’s addiction, eh? It’s not an addiction of the body- it would seem so, but no, it’s an addiction of the brain. We learn how to manipulate our brain chemicals as teens- in puberty- with such behavior. And it’s true that very few people don’t ever venture into that territory. (Think: Seinfeld: “Master of your Domain”…haha..) But when we grow up and fall in love, we call upon things like commitment, and respect, and faithfulness and honesty- and for some of us, those things are like beacons of worth. They’re enough. For others, they’re necessary commodities that are needed to trade or barter in hard times. Sadly, the monkey on his back is a big one. Thanks so much for your encouraging and helpful words. I appreciate them more than you know. x

      July 4, 2018 at 4:42 am

  3. Amy

    I am so so so sorry you are going through this 😦 Sending you lots and lots of love. And I also really wish love could drive a car.

    July 2, 2018 at 10:34 am

    • ((((AMY!!!))) How ya doing, kid?! 🙂 It’s really great to see you. I wish I could drive a car too! Hahaa…..but hey, thank God for school refunds, huh? I’m getting ready to tap into the full $5,000 return in another week, so I’m going to be buying a Jeep, or an Isuzu Trooper (Jeep clone)- army green- totally my personality. 😉 I have really missed the crap out of you. I hope you’re doing JIM DANDY with the Mister and the little ‘un! I really do need to pop in more often. I’m doing this Master’s degree in Addiction Counseling (oh the irony! haa) and I don’t have to tell you how much time we don’t all seem to have any more. Thanks SO much for stopping by to see me. It’s always a special treat. ❤

      July 4, 2018 at 4:47 am

  4. I’m so very sorry to hear that you are still going through this pain (it’s been awhile since I’ve taken a stroll through WordPress land). I hope you find the strength to put yourself first, before him, his addictions, and his disrespectful, selfish behavior. Though we’ve never met, your writing paints a picture of a beautiful soul, one worthy of so much more. Positive vibes are coming your way, hon. You will be in my thoughts.

    July 19, 2018 at 5:46 pm

    • Hi Cari, thanks so much for your support! You have no idea how much your words comfort me. Things are….better. For how long, I cannot say. 😉 But for now, we’re learning new lessons in forgiveness and trying (TRYING) to move past this horrible assault. I’m not willing to throw 13 years away, and so, I become my own martyr of sorts. it’s easy to start feeling sorry for yourself in this position, you know? So, my challenge is- and continues to be- how to move past this with grace, forgiveness, love, and strength. Still seeking. 😉 Thanks so much, as always! ❤ Much love to you, my friend. x

      August 13, 2018 at 7:10 pm

      • so sorry to hear of your pain….i think there are some people who act like he is doing, without even knowing theyre hurting someone…looks like he may be one of those people!
        That said, its clear u need to be alone again…thats nothing unusual…being alone is a therapy on its very own…but in my case, when i suffered from a similar thing to yours, i had the backing of my love of Nature and my garden….i spent long hours pottering about in my little square of a garden, which at that time was a plot of bare earth 10 feet square!
        But that 10 sq ft changed into a hidden wonderland where I used to sit and be totally hidden from view….it gave me a chance to explore and think of the little things that i had been ignoring all my life…the little ants helping each other to wherever they were going…the tadpoles in the homemade pond….the wondrous colors of the flowers and greenery…amazingly healing.
        In the winter, I had some plants that I was able to bring onto my patio, so still had greenery to look at during the dull wintry months too….slowly I came out of the shell I had crawled into in order to escape from the hell that I perceived was my life…
        So I hear ya, girl…..my shoulder is here for you….dont feel isolated…your WordPress family is alive and well and here to help you! xx xx

        October 8, 2018 at 2:42 pm

      • I appreciate your words more than you know! It’s hard to crawl up from hell- every time. 13 years is a long to throw away, you know? I’ve justified it by acknowledging that he hasn’t been with another “actual woman” (as in, flesh and blood) but you know, it’s a matter of the heart. it’s like somebody saying they love you while their heart belongs to someone else, so either way- they’re not being true. It’s a relationship based on lies, deception, and sneakery. That’s not a relationship I want to be in, but then I find myself facing the largest boulder of all (again)- “Do I really want to throw away 13 years?” It’s exhausting. Thank you so much for taking the time. I appreciate you so very much! Hope you’re well too. 😉 x

        October 8, 2018 at 3:02 pm

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