photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

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A Salute to the Broken-Hearted

This is for you, whoever you are. You, who have been destroyed by “the one who loved you”. I too have been destroyed- not by love, but by hate. Because the one that I loved used me, abused me, and in the end- discarded me as rubbish.

Me! Of all people. It’s true.

This is proof that even the strong become weak in the race of love. You can only hope that you can hobble your way to a shaded tree in the end, and take refuge.

I was destroyed by a man who I gave my heart to. And he toyed with me. Like a cat.

With porn.
With hate.
With rage.
With pay-backs.
With more porn.
With stalking me.
With even MORE porn.
He betrayed me to the depths.

In the end, he destroyed me.
The worst of all, is that he believes that it is I who destroyed him.

Ahh…but isn’t that how it goes?

So I’m moving on. I write this to say, whoever you are, that I too know what it’s like to be utterly destroyed by a man, or “significant other” who you believe shelters your heart- like no other.

It’s a lie.

And on that note, I take my leave. I’m devastated, shattered, and in a million pieces on the floor.

No doubt I’ll be back! Someday, when I’m whole again.

Until then, I’m MIA.

CrushedMJ

Grey days are here again. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4- bedroom window. 3.1.15

I’m not Bitter: I Just Hate You

So this whole breakup thing is going quite well!

I’m discovering (more and more) that as people, we’re like onions. Just when we think we’ve gotten to the forgiveness stage, whup! There’s a whole heap of hatred that’s trying to surface, right?

onlion1

I was feeling all sweet and lovey dovey and crap (for a good week straight) and then when it came time to pay my bills, “a certain someone” forgot he needed to pay me on Friday, costing me in excess of $75 in late fees. Thanks pal.

Out with the love and straight to the hate- in 0 to 60.

Sigh. This is going to take some time…

onion2

The Big Smoke

My beautiful son, Brian, drinking in the smoke. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film/Canon Rebel XSI
DrinkingintheSmokeMJ

Mojo

I’ve discovered that it takes me approximately 4 days to get over a man.

Enter Exhibit A
Taken today with my new Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film lens/Canon Rebel XSI

PeacefulEasyFeelingJpg

Somebody got her groove back!

Just wanted to take a minute to say thanks for all of the emails, PM’s, and feedback supporting me through this really difficult time in my life! Your love and support have pulled me through some rough waters, and miraculously, I feel 100% back to my old self and very happy. I was all set to follow through with the doom and gloom but the clouds have rolled over me and the storm was gone before it even got started. I love you guys! Thanks again. XO

My Old Friend, PAIN

Despite my courageous front, there’s no getting around the gut-wrenching pain that goes with a break-up. My heart feels like it’s being eaten out by wild rabbits. Raw raw pain.

When Josh and I split up a year ago, it was fairly easy. I just froze everything. I put myself into an emotional cryogenic chamber to protect myself. It worked. I cried only once through the entire winter and shoved him clean out of my mind (and heart) when a memory tried to come creeping in. But not this time. This time I’m in the fire. And, as I foolishly told him in an email, my heart is burning with a million degrees of love for him. This SUCKS.

I thought Joan Crawford would do the trick- Mildred Pierce is like- the best thing ever when you’re breaking up. And when that didn’t work, I jacked it up a notch. Fatal Attraction didn’t help much either! Haha…

I’m scared to think of what I might try next for comfort. Nothing’s “working”, and I know- of all people- that I have to walk through the pain. Feel the damage. Bleed with it.

It’s just too recent still. Not enough time has passed to stitch up the wounds. We mourn people when they die; why is a breakup any different? I’m mourning the death of what we once had. :(

No, only time can ease this pain. We always knew that someday, we’d have to let each other go. He’s 27, and his biological clock is ticking. He wants to start a family and do all of that good stuff- and by all means- he should. And he has every right to do that and be happy in doing so. It just sucks to “not be needed” suddenly. He’s been “my guy” for 8 years now. It confuses my brain to think “He’s off to find Ms. Right. I wish him well!”

This is hard. Any ole way you slice it. But all breakups are. This time I don’t have my anger to protect me. I’m just all mushy and made of oatmeal and crying 10 times per day. There’s no other place to go than through the fire.

I guess it’s just my turn.

Goodbye

Substance Use vs. Abuse

So I’m studying all of the psychoactive drug groups and their accompanying behavioral properties in my Behavioral Neuroscience class, and I came across a fallacy in my instructor’s PowerPoint Presentation. She had written this:

Substance abuse = a pattern in which a person relies on a drug chronically and excessively for the psychological and behavioral changes the drug produces.

I can’t tell you how much I disagree with that statement/definition. That defines substance use, not abuse. By that definition alone, that would mean that every person who counts on his or her daily antidepressant to make those necessary biochemical, physiological changes in both their brains and behaviors are “addicts”. This is so untrue.

Keeping in mind that I have my CPC in Substance Abuse (from Vincennes University), I’ve created my own definition of substance abuse, and it’s as follows:

Substance abuse= destructive behaviors that accompany the drug-user in which he and others are affected in negative ways.

Very simple.

Just because somebody takes a drug regularly- with hopes of behavioral and psychological changes (even chronically/daily or “excessively”)- does not make that person a substance abuser.  The word “excessively” is a tricky one because what is excessive to one person will not be to another. Some people take one Ibuprofin- some take 5. Every person’s body is different and each person’s drug use is both circumstantial and situational. I think we really need to be careful labeling a person as a drug abuser if he or she continues taking a drug for holistic/homeopathic, and or medicinal reasons.

Back to your scheduled program. :)

(Don’t worry peeps- it’s only toilet paper from a ‘toilet paper challenge” I hosted at a photo site once.) 
TokeUp

The Crazy Train has Left Town

For the first time in many weeks, it’s quiet here. It’s 3:14 a.m. and I really have no business being up at this time of night; tomorrow’s a school day- in more ways than one. I’m home-schooling my nephew, Johnboy, now. He comes over 3 times per week and we put in about 30 hours weekly. I won’t say where he was academically before I took over, but he’s making great progress and he’s got the grades to prove it. :) Before we began, I made him an irresistible proposition: I offered to buy him a cell phone if he wrote me a report on any book from the library that was 300 pages or more. Over the next few weeks, he cultivated a careful 3 page report on Malcom X and I made good on my promise.

There are other incentives! Such as this:

PieforJboyI made him his favourite pie (cherry) the other day. It looks a little beat up, but it did the trick. ;) (I also made 2 salted caramel chocolate pumpkin cheesecakes and homemade red pepper and roasted garlic chickpea hummus. It was to die for!)

Earlier this evening, things got a little out of hand, as they usually do, and Josh and I parted ways. I really hope it’s for good this time. I’m exhausted from the emotional chaos and I deal with conflict in a calm, peaceful way the majority of the time. I usually just “go away”. I like my quiet time where I can reflect and collect myself (and talk to with God). But these past few days, I’ve felt this raging sea boiling up in me, because that’s what’s been unleashed on me for weeks now. I just reached my breaking point- I really did. Thankfully, Josh left, taking his things with him.

It’s been hard lately, but I’m eager to explore this new chapter in my life! Even a year ago, the thought of living my life as a single woman was daunting, but I lived the whole winter “manless” and got by just fine. Sure, it was pretty rough sailing for a while! And I was heartbroken. But what I feel now is actually relief. I’ve waited a really long time to be able to focus on me and actually begin a career. (Or, begin to begin a career.)

And now I’m there. I don’t need anyone screwing that up for me! I want to be alone for a good long while. I don’t feel sad at all, but I’m sure those days are coming. Pain is inevitable. I’m just at the very beginning of it all when denial is still at its peak and everything is “just spiffy”. But the gray days are coming.

I’m going to be alright though. I’ve come to a new place where I enjoy solitude- not only enjoy it, but crave it.

I think I’m actually growing up. 

ThisLoveMJ

Work in Progress

I had a dream a few months ago.

I was in a factory. It was a large factory and I was in a control room with 12 executives who were sitting around an oblong table. It looked like a think tank and some of the workers had notebooks and pens and were taking notes. I too had a notebook and was jotting down some notes. One of the female employees looked up from the table and said, “I’m the boss.” I corrected her, saying, “I’m the boss.” My hair was long and sleek and parted on the side and I wore a periwinkle suit (and high heels). I was able to see the entire factory through a large window in the room and I was aware that I was in charge of the entire factory- including the 12 executives at the table. I was professional and serious in disposition.

When I awoke, I almost cried, because I knew that I wasn’t that girl in the dream. I was aware that i had a long way to go! I understand the dream. The factory represented me. The workers were different parts of me on a subconscious level: thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. I was struggling to ascertain my authority in that area.

I’ve been through an incredible amount of stress in the past few months, but what it’s really done is given me new feet. I tell my friends all the time that their trying circumstances are the very things that allow them to develop new feet and become “firewalkers”. And, I know by now that the diamonds are hidden among the rubble. Bad experiences are never just “bad experiences”. Every horrible experience is an instructor. Knowing this going in allows me to keep a positive attitude and embrace all aspects of the experience.

I was standing in the kitchen a few days ago, talking to God, when I realized that I have new feet/shoes! I’m still not that girl in my dream, and I still have a long way to go, but I do have the shoes. I’m learning to be patient; and some day, I’ll have that periwinkle suit. But for now, I’m alright with being a work in progress. After all, it’s not always about the destination, but the journey that gets us there, and makes us who are.

PerrinParkMJ copyTaken today. Perrin Park- Indiana. Super Tak SMC 28 MM/Canon Rebel XSI

Rocking Lens

I love my Helios 44-2 (M42) 58 MM. Best (film) lens ever. :0)

My son Brian (on the right), with his cousin, Johnboy. Taken yesterday at Rose Island- Charlestown, Indiana.
BrianJohnboyMJ

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