photographer. artist. author. singer. songwriter. musician. teacher. student. humanitarian. visionary.

The Crazy Train has Left Town

For the first time in many weeks, it’s quiet here. It’s 3:14 a.m. and I really have no business being up at this time of night; tomorrow’s a school day- in more ways than one. I’m home-schooling my nephew, Johnboy, now. He comes over 3 times per week and we put in about 30 hours weekly. I won’t say where he was academically before I took over, but he’s making great progress and he’s got the grades to prove it. 🙂 Before we began, I made him an irresistible proposition: I offered to buy him a cell phone if he wrote me a report on any book from the library that was 300 pages or more. Over the next few weeks, he cultivated a careful 3 page report on Malcom X and I made good on my promise.

There are other incentives! Such as this:

PieforJboyI made him his favourite pie (cherry) the other day. It looks a little beat up, but it did the trick. 😉 (I also made 2 salted caramel chocolate pumpkin cheesecakes and homemade red pepper and roasted garlic chickpea hummus. It was to die for!)

Earlier this evening, things got a little out of hand, as they usually do, and Josh and I parted ways. I really hope it’s for good this time. I’m exhausted from the emotional chaos and I deal with conflict in a calm, peaceful way the majority of the time. I usually just “go away”. I like my quiet time where I can reflect and collect myself (and talk to with God). But these past few days, I’ve felt this raging sea boiling up in me, because that’s what’s been unleashed on me for weeks now. I just reached my breaking point- I really did. Thankfully, Josh left, taking his things with him.

It’s been hard lately, but I’m eager to explore this new chapter in my life! Even a year ago, the thought of living my life as a single woman was daunting, but I lived the whole winter “manless” and got by just fine. Sure, it was pretty rough sailing for a while! And I was heartbroken. But what I feel now is actually relief. I’ve waited a really long time to be able to focus on me and actually begin a career. (Or, begin to begin a career.)

And now I’m there. I don’t need anyone screwing that up for me! I want to be alone for a good long while. I don’t feel sad at all, but I’m sure those days are coming. Pain is inevitable. I’m just at the very beginning of it all when denial is still at its peak and everything is “just spiffy”. But the gray days are coming.

I’m going to be alright though. I’ve come to a new place where I enjoy solitude- not only enjoy it, but crave it.

I think I’m actually growing up. 

ThisLoveMJ

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18 responses

  1. Bravo you…. I am proud of you and for you… Stay strong, and believe in the power of One……

    February 16, 2015 at 4:05 am

    • (((Wendi!!!))) Have I missed you! First, let me say that I hope you’re doing well. I know sometimes life can grab us (by the balls) and toss us around, etc.- we get caught up in simply trying to survive and LIVE. Know that I think of you almost every day of my life- I really do, and I love you! It’s so good hearing from you- always. 🙂 And thanks for that, by the way. xo

      February 16, 2015 at 1:03 pm

  2. Even though I have a feeling you are going to blossom after this, I still feel bad and wish it developed in a different way.
    But then again, I don’t know him, but I do know you, and you kick ass, so I want all the best for you!

    February 16, 2015 at 7:36 am

    • Thanks, O. That means a lot to me. And you know, I too wish it had happened in a different way. It was supposed to! We had plans to amicably part and support each other in our split- but I have to draw a line in the sand now. The ship is sinking fast and I do know how to rescue myself- as painful as that may be- but I won’t be going down any further on his sinking ship.

      And you’re right. (I’ll blossom!) Thanks so much for your sweet thoughts and feedback. Love ya, gal. x

      February 16, 2015 at 1:08 pm

  3. Wow! How lucky is Johnboy to have you for an aunt! That is really cool that you are homeschooling him like that. You really amaze me with all you do! I think you deserve some time to yourself and for yourself.

    I’m glad you aren’t feeling too sad right now, but remember, when you do, the way you look at things and make the best of them, and the way you help others, is inspiring as all get out! You are amazing.

    February 16, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    • Aww Amy, that’s just what I needed to hear right now. :-/ One day at a time, eh? It’s funny, I was praying yesterday- I mean like- desperation city over here! It began to snow almost immediately, and it hasn’t stopped since! We’re all snowed in over here, which means- the rest of the city is too. Nobody’s going to be coming ’round here for a while. ;0) It’s incredibly silent and peaceful. (I’m totally loving it.) And I can feel my spirit being restored with each (quiet, peaceful) day.

      I appreciate all of the times you’ve encouraged me!. You know, I’m very mirror-like, and if I’m around positive, encouraging people- that’s what is tapped into within me, and that’s what I give out in return. That’s what you bring out. i’m sure there are a few people that might think I’m not so sweet and amazing…heheh. But thanks so much for being so AWESOME. You really are. x

      February 16, 2015 at 7:24 pm

  4. oh yum yum….. 😀

    February 16, 2015 at 10:24 pm

  5. ‘I also made 2 salted caramel chocolate pumpkin cheesecakes and homemade red pepper and roasted garlic chickpea hummus.’

    oOo…. yum O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    February 16, 2015 at 10:26 pm

  6. you write extremely well.
    my thoughts are with you.
    Hugs, Gavin.

    February 16, 2015 at 10:29 pm

    • I can easily say the same of your writing! Thanks for the e-hugs! :0)

      February 16, 2015 at 10:52 pm

      • wow…thank you.
        i’m not convinced i’m any good. odd.

        February 16, 2015 at 10:54 pm

      • You’ve GOT to be kidding. I particularly enjoy your posts on emotional and psychological disorders and such. People like you and I aren’t just spouting out book smarts, you know? We’ve walked the walk- so we really can talk the talk. And on that note, you talk the talk well, Gav. ;0)

        February 16, 2015 at 11:01 pm

      • thank you so much. i feel somewhat better now 😀

        February 16, 2015 at 11:04 pm

      • Well, you should. 🙂

        February 16, 2015 at 11:06 pm

  7. yvo

    So glad for you B, you sound great. I love how you are working with your nephew, really that’s brill and you are changing the course of his path. So loving and positive. I think you grown up more than most the people I know. So delighted. Totally love that gorgeous pie!!! It’s a PEACH of a cherry!! yowser!! xxx

    February 16, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    • I think I’ve gone through more “pure hell” lately than I have in a decade- that’s pretty severe. (True though. I can scarcely believe I made it through without serious mental or cognitive impairment.) I’m just so grateful that I’m still tender-hearted and not hard or bitter, you know?

      About the cherry pie, I got a magazine recently that’s offering cherry bush seeds that after planting, blossom in the summer and produce sweet cherries all season. I’m like the Dr. Kavorkian of plants though- I don’t try to kill them but they really do prefer to die rather than be in my care…haha. I’m hoping to be able to plant cherry bushes so that I can make really fresh pies. (I may be dreaming. ;0) But heck, I’m going to give it a try.

      Wishing I had some probiotics right about now! (This strep is no picnic.) x

      February 16, 2015 at 11:00 pm

  8. What a journey. wishing you well

    February 24, 2015 at 7:21 pm

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