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Posts tagged “burial

Today is Cancelled

I have nothing I want to share with the world today; no mounting proclamations- not a whisper or thought. There are no pressing deadlines, no stressors upon me. Only the familiar urge to write, simply because I’m a writer. Not a paid one, mind you- nor professional. (As proof of my misused hyphen will attest.) Alas, I abuse hyphens liberally, and probably always will-

…I want to write a memoir. (Doesn’t everybody though?) I’m sure we all feel like we’ve lived through unspeakable atrocities that nobody would or could believe. We’ve all gleaned the golden nuggets of wisdom from the trenches of life that we’re compelled to share.  (There’s old Charlie, hacking and wheezing across the street. He lives with his father and smokes pot incessantly. He doesn’t let old age stop him from having a good spliff now and again. I call him old Charlie because he’s in his late 60’s or so, and his Dad is even older- maybe late 80’s or early 90’s. At all hours of the day and night, we can hear old Charlie out there, a mumble here or there followed by a short pause of silence- and then the hacking begins again.)

Please do feel free to go meander off and watch Spongebob while I ramble on about a memoir that I’ll probably never write. But do want to. There’s just so much work involved. I have the goods- I’ve already lived the story, and am still, but I think the hardest part is actually starting. Writing that first word and knowing how you want to tell the tale. So many times I’ve written blog posts- completely- whole blog posts written out and then deleted them, simply because I felt as if I had nothing worthwhile to say. But that’s the blogger’s curse. But there’s a difference between me and  the stereotypical modern day blogger. Most bloggers collectively know that content is king. For me though, this isn’t a typical “blog”- it’s my diary. My very public, online diary. As I’ve stated before, I want to leave more than a few pictures of me behind. More than a fingerprint. I want to leave an archive. A life in pictures and posts. I never thought I’d still be writing in this thing almost 10 year later! I can look back and read about small walks I took with my kids, or cooking in the kitchen on certain days- what we ate, what we said. LIFE.

And so, back to the memoir. I have an incredible story to tell. How I went from living in an uninhabitable, dilapidated house- wetting the bed and living quite literally like a wild animal. I really don’t care what member of the family reads this stuff and might get offended. Where was anyone at all when I needed help? Where was anyone when I cried at night, alone and afraid, (and very wet and smelly)? Where was anyone when I was molested as a young girl, at age of 9- right in my own house? So no. I don’t want to hear how my life story “offends” anyone. It’s what I had to live through. Everybody else was safe, except me.

From that hell, to growing up seriously disadvantaged. All the cards stacked against me. I should have been a statistic, I really should’ve. Women who’ve suffered less have been. God spared me though. I came through so much hell and hurt and trauma and shame and rage. I was shown grace, and given another chance. God pulled me from the pit and set me on solid ground again.

I look back at it all in amazement that I was able to trudge through the trenches and reach the other side of the river. I stand now in the green, fertile soil; life has come to me again.

I have only one more year to go and I’ll be graduating with my Master’s degree in Psychology and Addiction Counseling. And still, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. For now, Im taking the necessary time off to try and absorb the fact the I no longer have my baby brother with me. For now, I’ll simply exist, and try to make it through each day. I’m giving myself the liberty to not have to do, think, feel, process, or anything else that takes emotional work. For now, I’m in a state of emotional cryogenics. Frozen inside- too numb to feel.

Until another crashing wave comes and drags me under. But then it’s quiet again, and I’ll know that I’ve made it through another rogue wave. There are no smiles within me. No solace. Today hurts. Tomorrow may too, but for now, I’ll distract myself with another adventure game. It hurts too much to think. I know that all of my training is going down the drain in these moments, but it’s o.k. I told myself that I could be in total denial for now and I’m taking my advice!

There will be warmer, better days ahead. As for now though, today is cancelled.

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Hell Week x 3

The heat is making us all a little crazy. It’s 86 degrees in this place.

“How do you feel about being cremated, mom?” Brianna asked me nonchalantly.

“Is that what you want? To be cremated?” I asked her.

“Being buried is one of the most vile things you can to to another human being. They drain your blood, fill you with embalming fluid, and stuff cotton in all of your holes.”

“They stuff cotton in all of your holes?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, there’s a Scripture that says we’ll return to the dust. I think that’s a commandment, not a request,” I said. “Do they really stuff cotton in all of your holes?” I asked again.

She said something else but my mind wandered off to thoughts of me, lying on a cold table with bits of cotton hanging out of my holes. Not that I would feel it at all.

“And I don’t want a funeral,” she continued.

“So you’d rather be burned up?” I asked her.

“I don’t want a funeral either,” I said. “Actually, I’ve left that up to Heidi. She’ll do what she wants with me.”

We sat quietly and reflected on the possibilities.

‘”Oh damn! Where did I put my mother?!'” I said to Brianna, mimicking Heidi.

“No,” Brianna said, ” she would pick up a homeless man with you in the back seat. He would be like, ‘What’s in the back?’ And she would be like, ‘ My dead mother,'” said Brianna, sitting upright with a no-nonsensical far away look, pretending to be Heidi.

I laughed as I pictured Heidi toting my cold body halfway across the city, picking up transients along the way- pushing bags and shoving heavy body parts to make more room.

“Well, I’ll tell you what,” I said to Brianna. “God forbid, if you should go before me, I’ll honour your request and have you cremated. I give you my word.”

She seemed appeased.
I got up to make noodles.

Josh and I were up at the buttcrack of dawn, as Heidi puts it, praying and getting ready to start our day. We went for a “coffee walk” at 9:00 a.m. which lasted for 20 minutes or so. We’re planning a chamomile tea-walk this evening. We’ve been working relentlessly on our schoolwork since this morning (squeezing in a doctor trip in between classes). I’m so glad Josh and I are both in school simultaneously; we’re a great support system for one another. We know when to put extra pressure on each other and when to tell the other to take a break.

The next three weeks will no doubt be the most academically challenging thing I’ll have ever done. I have no earthly idea how I’m going to do everything I’ve scheduled. It’s shocking to think about. My schedule looks like this:

June 12-Wednesday

Study for Midterm Exam in Earth Science/Take Midterm Exam
Math 2.5 & 2.6
Health Psychology Unit 3
Read Public Speaking Chap 7

June 13-Thursday

Take Math Quiz 2.4-2.6
Read Chapter 10 Earth Science
Read Public Speaking Chap 8

June 14-Friday

Take Earth Science Test 10
Do remaining Assignments in Earth Science
Read Public Speaking Chap. 9

June 15-Saturday

Public Speaking ALL DAY
Do # 3 Public Speaking Written Assignment
Take next EXAM in Public Speaking
Prepare for next 4 speeches

And that’s just the next few days.
Each chapter of each course covers 30-40 pages.

The remainder of the month is staggering. I’m fairly certain that after I graduate, I’ll be working on my B.A. in Sociology and a double minor in Criminal Justice and Psychology. Lots of fun in store for me!

I have so little time now; I’m off to compose a 5 page Health Psychology assignment, read another chapter in Public Speaking and do 25 (more) pre-calculus problems- that will be 50 total for the day. That will add up to over 200 math problems in just the past few days, apart from my other courses.

Time to get cracking.

Au revoir!

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