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Darwin, Depression, and Dark Days

It’s just past 11:00 a.m.  and already 82 degrees. Josh is getting ready for work (I seem to have kidnapped him again) and I’m up with the chickens (hey, 11:00 a.m. is early for me!) and have decided to reset my sleep cycle once again. For the past few months, I’ve been up all night an sleeping during the days. I love my nights! Night time is dark, cool, and it feels like all the world is dead and I’m on a little island to myself. I can come and go as I please- do my shopping (you’d be surprised how man people shop at Walmart at 3 a.m.) and just really connect with my nocturnal surroundings. I really can’t stand mornings or getting up early and I’m used to getting things done at night. So it’s a sacrifice for me, to say the least, to flip my script entirely and give up my nights. Even my dream environments are night time- I haven’t dreamed of daylight (or day time) in years, except for once or twice.

I’ve noticed, though, that I’ve becomes increasingly depressed over the past few weeks- and that’s just not normal for me. I lead a pretty fearless life. I don’t stress out about things- I’m literally never anxious- and I stay consistently level and upbeat, for the most part. But lately, I’ve felt a few complex fears pressing in and feelings that I might not succeed. (Again, highly unusual for me. I’m a serious go-getter.) I’ve learned to section off and compartmentalize my “layers of self” to discern just where my problematic sources might be. Are they economic? Spiritual? Emotional? Environmental? Nutritional? And so, after much seeking, I’ve realized that my depression has been a combination of artificial sleep (Ambien) + a lack of exercise and sunshine. I’ve decided to cut Ambien out of my life, because although it does help in getting a person to sleep, it does little to assist in REM sleep and allowing a person to have the full benefits of natural sleep. Last night, I slept naturally and woke up refreshed at 8:30 a.m. (or thereabouts). Today, I have 50 pages to absorb (Darwin in Chapter 1- Pavlov- Chapter 2), 3 quizzes (two psychology quizzes and one statistics quiz) and 40 or so Statistics problems to work out. This is not necessarily a heavy workload.

I’ve been missing my mother and my kids but keep telling myself that I’ll see them just as soon as I catch up. Life has a funny way of choking the living &^%$ out of you, doesn’t it?

My kitchen sink has been defunct for a month now, and I’m sure that has lent a hand in my acute depression. Thankfully, Josh is going to help me fix it today. I haven’t been able to update my blog regularly for some time now, but I haven’t been in a good head space lately. Studying psychology is sort of like being under a self-reflecting microscope 24/7. At first, it’s easy to see how psychological applications apply to everybody you know, but theories and perspectives about the mind can easily be compared to certain Scriptures in the Bible about and such. At first, you can see everyone else’s ailments and how best they might be helped, etc. but at some point, you really have to apply all of that stuff to yourself. So, in an interesting way, I’ve been my pwn therapist and patient for several years now.

I could use a good vacation from myself. :0/

6 responses

  1. yvo

    great post and that last line is a killer. Yeah, I keep some Ambien on hand so I do not in a insomnia mode. I just use it break the no sleep cycle or if I HAVE to get up super early for something important, I take one at 8 pm to be sure I sleep a decent night. I noticed that too B, that the regular dreams dont happen. soo good for you for taking a break from it and making adjustments. Vitamin D in pill form can work but not the same as the real thing. Come up or air and regroup. Can’t you at least have some phone visits with your Mom and kids or does that not cut it for you? Having an non working sink would send me into a MAJOR spiral. argh matey. Hope you got it fixed. Love you my amazing friend!!!! x

    September 7, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    • Well, yeah, I do talk on the phone with them but it’s not the same thing. My kids (and Mom) are super busy (and live away) so things have to be “scheduled” any more- I’m talking about having coffee in the morning and all the small comforts that make it homey, etc. It’s just that “season”, you know? We have our bright, floral seasons, and we have our darker winter seasons. I always know my seasons! It’s just one of those times for me. Things’ll be back in swing (as usual)- I just needed to document my misery for reference points later- haa…

      And yeah, Ambien isn’t good after so many months. I’ve replaced the Ambien with a high powered milk thistle (500 mg.) and have noticed a major significance in only two days. Good stuff! Time for bed. 😉

      September 8, 2015 at 2:26 am

  2. Claude O

    Well…since you ARE a Walmart Shopper – although at 3am, I believe they’re referred to as: Denizens – get yourself a bottle of Walmart’s version of Nyquil, Hon. My younger Daughter refers to it as: Sleep Syrup. Works pretty good…just take about 1/4 the regular dose about 20-30 minutes before bed. When I use it, I’m out inside of 10 minutes, and it doesn’t seem to affect my REM sleep, either. :))

    September 8, 2015 at 8:45 am

    • Oh I don’t know about that, Cap’n. Last time I drank Nyquil I face-palmed my x-s couch and found myself in a puddle of drool. It doesn’t agree with my system because it makes me feel all speeded out and wiry, ya know? I’ve managed to reset m sleep cycle in only two days though and am sleeping really well, naturall. Depression all gone and I’m getting much more sun this way…heh. (Which was 50 % of my problem.) Thanks for looking after me though, always. I appreciate you! 🙂

      September 9, 2015 at 1:09 am

  3. bipolarbarbieq

    It sure is ouchy to read you’re struggling even if it’s just a little bit. I’m usually blehhh enough for the both of us PLUS the rest of the internet! Been thinking about how you’ve been even in MY off time from here. I loved your essay post. But I already said that. Be good.

    September 14, 2015 at 4:38 am

    • Yeah, but you know, we have our ups and downs. We live, we die. We carry on. It’s just one of those times and thankfully, it’s coming to an end! I’ll be working part-time beginning in October, so that’ll definitely help. Finding the balance between working and school- that’ll be the challenge! But I’m betting you know a thing or two about that one. 😉

      September 14, 2015 at 4:03 pm


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