Darwin, Depression, and Dark Days
It’s just past 11:00 a.m. and already 82 degrees. Josh is getting ready for work (I seem to have kidnapped him again) and I’m up with the chickens (hey, 11:00 a.m. is early for me!) and have decided to reset my sleep cycle once again. For the past few months, I’ve been up all night an sleeping during the days. I love my nights! Night time is dark, cool, and it feels like all the world is dead and I’m on a little island to myself. I can come and go as I please- do my shopping (you’d be surprised how man people shop at Walmart at 3 a.m.) and just really connect with my nocturnal surroundings. I really can’t stand mornings or getting up early and I’m used to getting things done at night. So it’s a sacrifice for me, to say the least, to flip my script entirely and give up my nights. Even my dream environments are night time- I haven’t dreamed of daylight (or day time) in years, except for once or twice.
I’ve noticed, though, that I’ve becomes increasingly depressed over the past few weeks- and that’s just not normal for me. I lead a pretty fearless life. I don’t stress out about things- I’m literally never anxious- and I stay consistently level and upbeat, for the most part. But lately, I’ve felt a few complex fears pressing in and feelings that I might not succeed. (Again, highly unusual for me. I’m a serious go-getter.) I’ve learned to section off and compartmentalize my “layers of self” to discern just where my problematic sources might be. Are they economic? Spiritual? Emotional? Environmental? Nutritional? And so, after much seeking, I’ve realized that my depression has been a combination of artificial sleep (Ambien) + a lack of exercise and sunshine. I’ve decided to cut Ambien out of my life, because although it does help in getting a person to sleep, it does little to assist in REM sleep and allowing a person to have the full benefits of natural sleep. Last night, I slept naturally and woke up refreshed at 8:30 a.m. (or thereabouts). Today, I have 50 pages to absorb (Darwin in Chapter 1- Pavlov- Chapter 2), 3 quizzes (two psychology quizzes and one statistics quiz) and 40 or so Statistics problems to work out. This is not necessarily a heavy workload.
I’ve been missing my mother and my kids but keep telling myself that I’ll see them just as soon as I catch up. Life has a funny way of choking the living &^%$ out of you, doesn’t it?
My kitchen sink has been defunct for a month now, and I’m sure that has lent a hand in my acute depression. Thankfully, Josh is going to help me fix it today. I haven’t been able to update my blog regularly for some time now, but I haven’t been in a good head space lately. Studying psychology is sort of like being under a self-reflecting microscope 24/7. At first, it’s easy to see how psychological applications apply to everybody you know, but theories and perspectives about the mind can easily be compared to certain Scriptures in the Bible about and such. At first, you can see everyone else’s ailments and how best they might be helped, etc. but at some point, you really have to apply all of that stuff to yourself. So, in an interesting way, I’ve been my pwn therapist and patient for several years now.
I could use a good vacation from myself. :0/
On Ambien
…I love that moment when I’m sitting here (unlike a psycho stalker) reading up on the comments in strangers’ Twitter feeds, and suddenly- there’s a slow Vaseline haze that creeps up over my screen and my brain and everything else, and it’s like…”Oh hello, Ambien…”
…and then I float over to my bed and fall into a pile of magic silk..and simply…float away.
(Based on a true story. Right Now.)
Ambien: Breakfast of Champions
My day started off with me getting higher than a mug.
I’ll explain. Since beginning my antihistimine regimen (1/4 of a tablet every few days), my sinusitis has been minimal and I no longer am struck with debilitating two and three day migraines. I’m down to bare bones; my Phenergan (antihistimine) prescription has lasted me for almost a year: That’s pretty good. I needed to take my 1/4 of one this morning, as I could feel my throat beginning to scratch up- head swelling, like a sock-stuffed pressure cooker, and I could tell I had about a 30 minute window. I grabbed my bottle on my dresser and saw the pill niblet inside: I threw it down with a swig of black coffee and started my day.
Fast forward thirty minutes. I had already taken my cayenne/maple syrup/lemon “Master Cleanse shot”, and had tended to the animals- changing litter and feeding the kitties. I set out soon after to relax in my bedroom recliner with a few Biology assignments and my laptop. As I made my way down the hallway, I began to feel woozy; I actually had to stop and hold up the wall.
I noticed my thoughts were a little scattered which is very unusual for me. I was a daydreamer as a child and could stare off for minutes at a time, lost in my own little world, but that was 30 years ago! I have razor sharp focus and photographic memory to boot: I can retain 40+ pages of reading/study material with fairly accurate recall (which helps in my schoolwork a great deal).
That said, I was staring at my screen thinking of wild Parisian feather hats and blue ribbons with period pieces. It didn’t help that I was actually supposed to be studying the scientific method and variables and such! I snapped myself back to my work and tried to adjust my eyes as the environment grew thick and syrruppy, but not at all unpleasant. And then it dawned on me: I was higher than a kite! I retraced my steps and carefully went through my morning, trying to figure out how I had accidentally gotten myself good and high.
And I was sort of sleepy too. Things were actually funny (as in, haha funny) and I felt as if I had taken a Xanax, had a glass of wine, smoked a few puffs from a fatty and even took a small nibble of acid. It wasn’t just “weed high”, no…I was Alice in Wonderland high. Just as I caught myself snickering a bit, I reminded myself, “Hello! You have assignments due today! How are you going to do scientific research when you’re tripping balls?!”
“Ih…good point, me.”
I forced my eyes open and swigged more black coffee. It became increasingly clear that I would not be doing any schoolwork in the next few hours. How did I get high? What in the world?
And then I remembered putting my 1/2 an Ambien in my Phenergan bottle. The 1/2 of an Ambien was from last month’s prescription. (There was a night when I didn’t take a whole one and needed to put the remainder in a bottle.) The mystery had been solved: I had taken a freaking Ambien!
Oh dear God, this couldn’t be happening.
And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why it’s never a good idea to procrastinate with your schoolwork. I stared off at the wall- totally at peace with the fact that I was going down in a burning plane- because well…I was high. I looked at my laptop clock and timed out five hours, deducing that if a whole Ambien lasts eight hours, 1/2 would last four or five, reasonably. That’s right, I apparently even schedule “high time”. So I closed my laptop, crawled back into bed with my dog, and sunk into pure silky bliss for the next few hours.
Fast forward three hours.
Nope. Still not happening!
Back to bed. I’ve never in my life done schoolwork “high” and I wasn’t going to start now.
Fast forward two more hours.
After chugging more black coffee and eating a few bites, I was refreshed and unhigh enough to be able to knock out a five page Biology assignment, along with a Podcast report and a good bit of reading.
Now that’s what I call higher education.
Pah tah bomp.
What does god say?
I noticed today that somebody stumbled upon my blog by searching for these keywords:
what does god say when u fallaid a test
Oh dearie me- let’s just leave that one alone.
In other news, I’ve managed to knock out three of my five classes a month early. I still have 5 strong A’s at this point, but I’m approaching my finals- let’s hope that sticks. Things have been a big messy blur lately; it’s pretty standard stuff for rounding up another semester. High stress, deadlines, cramming 200+ pages and living as a virtual hermit for days on end, lost in my studies.To top things off, I’ve just discovered my internet may be shut off on the 20th. And wait- there’s more! Although I paid the rent this month on the 1st, as I always do, there was a notice on my door this morning. Something about having 5 days to pay the rent or having to vacate. (WTF?!) I’m going to chalk that one up to the fact that my landlord is pushing 90 or so. (I have an excellent rental history and have had for years.) [grumble]
On the bright side of things, I’ll be graduating on December 7th of this year. I really wish I didn’t have a chronic case of PMS PMDD so I could report that I’ll be graduating with lots of exclamation marks and enthusiasm, alas, that’s not the case. I’m wanting chocolate and tea and I think I need to cry or break something. I guess I’ve been semi-depressed since finding out yesterday that Micah died. He was Josh’s former roommate and a closet junkie. Josh had come home on numerous occasions to find Micah lying on the floor with his dope needle in his hand- blood and dope lying messily about. I had told Josh that he needed to get away from him before Micah took them both down. Josh was always being taken advantage of by his friends, giving them a place to stay and letting them slide on the rent, etc. One day, when Josh was hanging out at my old apartment, Micah called on the phone ten times or so and then he finally showed up at my door. I was highly annoyed. He continued exhibiting bizarre behavior over the months and finally, I told Josh that he needed to kick him to the curb. I could tell that he was going to drag Josh down into an ugly black hole eventually. Josh didn’t want to, but I kept pressuring him to throw him out. One evening, I walked down to Josh’s apartment with him and refused to leave until he literally threw him out. Josh had already had numerous items stolen- valuable jewelry that had been given to him, small sums of money- Micah was constantly stealing from Josh to support his habit. I was livid that Josh had been taking my son around Micah- sure he was a “nice guy” but a junkie is a junkie. So, Josh threw Micah out the night I was there. Josh had dropped out of school when Micah was living with him and I could see him losing direction. The changes were small at first, but more and more, I could see how Micah was influencing him negatively. We don’t know how Micah died and the obituary didn’t reveal it. I can’t help thinking it was a drug overdose.
Josh has just finished up his semester; he did well.
I can hardly believe I’m one week away from completing my degree in Behavioral Sciences and CPC in Substance Abuse. Finals are always so stressful! You can have a strong A in a class, consistently throughout, then fail a final, bringing your overall grade down to a C. All of that hard work for a C! That’s happened to me before so I have to avoid that like the plague. Study study study! My grades are very important to me and a C just isn’t going to cut it.
I think it’s time for my Sleepytime Tea + Ambien.
Happy trails.
Homeless man sleeps. Downtown Louisville, KY.
Wretched Mess
Today has been one of the most wretched days of my life. I’ve had the worst migraine that I’ve ever had, and it has been a doosy. I started my day with a strong dose of cayenne and ginger (as usual) , followed by a small cup of medicinal tea. I was grossly nauseous, and so went back to bed. I tried to read some of my Bette Davis/Joan Crawford dual biography, but was too sick. The pain was mostly in the back of my head, exactly where my cyst is, and it was swelling- massive pressure was building up and as usual, it felt as if I’d been shot in the back of the head- but this is actually worse. When a person is shot in the head, more times than not, they die. If they don’t die, they’re rushed to the hospital and given large doses of morphine, stadol, demerol, or something of that nature so they’re not suffering. In my case, I have to sit it out. Minutes feel like hours. Words are too simple to describe this kind of ongoing pain.
I haven’t taken a phenergan in over a month, but I tried to take one half and be very still. Eventually though, my stomach revolted. My son asked, “Do you want me to bring you the trash can, mom?”
“No, I don’t want to throw up in front of everybody,” I said.
Two minutes later I ran to the bathroom and “worshipped the porcelain god” as the saying goes. Now if you’ve never thrown up a fairly large amount of cayenne pepper, you haven’t really lived yet. My whole head was on fire! My nasal passages felt as if somebody’d sprayed acid into them and I was crying tears that actually burned. (Not boo-hoo crying, but phsyiologically.) Also, the pain was exacerbated by the fact that I had a new surge of fiery adrenaline coursing through my body, particularly in my head.
I made it back to my bed and by God’s good mercy, was able to sleep. I woke up feeling like raw heck, drank a bit more of my medicinal tea (poppy seed tea, which actually works to kill the pain, if you can keep it down), and after five more hours of intense agony- ordered Chinese. (Might I recommend the moo shu beef? General Tso’s chicken is also a tasty dish, and crab rangoons make a great appeteizer. This is what I ordered, along with a coke and a few Pepsi’s.)
It is now 12:45 a.m. and the pain is still pretty intense (it’s moved around to my front right eye socket). Ibuprofin is a joke, but I took two anyway. It’s been three weeks since I’ve stopped taking my Lortab and Ambien. My liver was beginning to tell me that I couldn’t keep taking pills and remain “healthy”. Granted, I never exceeded 10 mg. at one time, which is the equivalent of 1 blue Lortab, (but seldom took even that much). This is part of the reason why I decided to become certified in Substance Abuse- I know far too many people who have been reduced to a mere statistic, having lost everything (including themselves) to drugs.
I’ve become passionate in my search for a homeopathic solution: pain management without having to take pharmaceutical chemicals. Poppy seed tea can be taken at small doses to combat severe pain, such as the pain from my arachnoid cyst, while still allowing me to function. Naturally, if you take a larger amount, you can get higher than a kite, but if I wanted to get high, I’d just smoke a joint. I like to be in control of my faculties though. This is part of the reason why I quit drinking liquor over five years ago. If I chose to not take anything at all, I’d be limited to “getting out of bed to pee” and that’s about it. I can’t live that way. So after much consideration and trial and error, I’m sticking with my cayenne, ginger, and med. tea, when necessary.
I do get more migraines this way (not taking pharmaceutical drugs) and some days it’s sheer agony, like today, but my liver feels 80% better.
Through it all, I’m able to say, “Thank you God for this pain. I still choose to praise you, and lift up Your Name.”
When I compare my pain, to the pain that Jesus had to endure, I shudder to think that I could even complain. I still have two eyes that see, and a heart that loves- two working hands, a family that I love and that loves me. I have much to be thankful for.
Much to be thankful for. 🙂
m o n o c h r o m e j u n k i e † 