Love is Grand and other Great Things
Mr. Bob Hedge, himself (AKA: my son) /Helios film 44-2/natural lighting
So Josh is in the living room belting out a rock-blues ballad that he’s making up as he’s going along. Today we’re rejoicing: he just got a new job and I’m changing majors from Sociology to Criminal Justice. Hoo ha! I’m pretty excited about it. I’m thinking, I need to knock back this school thing while I’m in school-mode. A few more years! Two and a half, in fact. I’ve been told that up to 90 of my credit hours could transfer over to my BS in Criminal Justice. I’m pretty happy about that. Sociology is great and all, and I’m most passionate about that, but at the end of it all I’m going to need a jobby job, as in, actual “career”. Sociology doesn’t ensure that but Criminal Justice does. My dream job would be as a criminal psychologist or a Profiler, but that requires no less than a Master’s degree. Hmmm…we’ll see. I’ve decided to move in the direction of a probation officer for starters.
My plan is never vague or blurry when I calculate one. I gather facts, research, strategize, formulate the plan clearly, and execute it precisely. So the new plan is this (which could change at any time, mind you, but for now, it’s a done deal):
Short Term Goals
- Transfer 30-60 Behavioral Sciences credit hours over to SNHU and apply them to new BS in Criminal Justice
- Receive BS in Criminal Justice
- Build up community work with PBS/Peanut Butter Soup– my children’s book- volunteer, etc. or possible school readings (This is the area that needs most attention) Ulterior motive: bulk up resume + gain experience
Long Term Goals
- Work as probation officer/secure job for $30,000 to $35,000 annually-starting pay- minimum
(The starting pay for most probation officer jobs is $35,000-$40,000) - Continue with Master’s degree in down time/online- snails’ pace, obviously (never more than two courses at any time)
(Studying Criminal Psychology) - Work to pay off student loans and other debt (which is minimal)
I never envisioned moving into the direction of law enforcement (gasp!) but as a probation officer, I would need to be a licensed gun carrier, and, carry a badge. Yep. A badge. I’m halfway through the semester and am miraculously holding on to my A’s (and a B), so I’ll transition over to my new University in June to begin work on my Bachelor’s. Exciting stuff!
It’s interesting to think that the same prospect only one month ago made me want to shake, shudder, and run for the hills. That’s what utter loneliness can do for the soul! Despondency and silence eat away at the core until everything looks so grey and near impossible to achieve. I had predicted that my heart would thaw out this spring: who knew? 🙂
But love indeed has taken its toll on me and I’m helplessly goofy and happy lately. Josh makes an incredibly strong impact on me. Isn’t it funny how different people will reflect different parts of us? He reflects genuine goodness and he brings that out in me. I mentioned this to him one day and his reply was this, “I only reflect back what I see.”
[Kumbaya]
The kitchen is a wreck and I’m still in my PJ’s at 3:11 in the afternoon, but the sound of the electric guitar in the living room tells me to relax- take a break- smile, and let the dishes marinate a while longer.
Love has its ole hook in me once again.
Day 1: Back at School
I tell you, school couldn’t come fast enough. For some people, beginning their next semester entails stress, anxiety, uncertainty, procrastination-anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed, and feelings of general excitement mixed with doom. For me, it’s just the opposite. When I’m in school, I’m completely in my element: I know what to expect and I work best when I’m in the pressure cooker! It’s just how life has molded me to be.
I’ve added my 14 exam dates for Abnormal Psychology onto my wall planner, as well as my deadlines for my case studies and oral case study presentations. (Isn’t that a bucket of fun waiting to happen?) I’ve watched my video for Anorexia and other eating disorders for my Social Work Practice class and have submitted the accompanying assignment work sheet. My homework for the evening is to read 25 pages in each of the first chapters and take 10+ pages of notes that I’ll be tested on this week.
And then there’s my Biology lab course and Intro to Social Work! I’m still sorting out those assignments, dates, deadlines, video presentations, and other important assignments/folders. Apart from my oral presentations (and 30 + hours of volunteer work), I’ll also have two separate 15 page research paper projects in two different classes.
I’ve been hammering away at getting things sorted for the past 5 days solid: it’s a lot of work, but the preparation beforehand saves me stress later. You can hardly be too prepared for college classes.
I’m really hoping that I’ll be able to squeeze a vacation in soon as I won’t be taking a summer break this year. Four months this spring at VU and then it’s straight over to SNHU to begin work on my BA in Sociology where I’ll work without a break for the next year. I can now say that my life is planned out for the next several years!
I haven’t had a horrific migraine in more than two months; that in itself is borderline miraculous. I believe I’ve made a profound discovery. There are triggers that set off migraines when you’re a chronic migraine sufferer, as I have been for several years now. I have specific triggers that I avoid at all costs:
- too much sugar and salt
- too much audial, radial, and visual stimulation
- weather/change in barometric pressure
- grinding teeth [bruxism/night grinding]
- stress
- stress
- stress
- lack of sleep
- alcohol [never more than two glasses of red wine- ever]
- no yelling or heightened displays of anger
- insufficient exercise
- too much heat
- being too cold
In other words, I have to walk very softly or I can get a vicious migraine that lasts for 3 days. (My blog is filled with days like that.) I’ve been my own guinea pig for more than a year in experimental home trials where I’ve undergone numerous self-testings: I’ve made some very important discoveries.
The most important discovery of all is that it could be allergens which are triggering the histamines to go to war against my own body. The result? Migraines! Through my own researches, I’ve come to learn that the sinus cavities swell when the body is under attack from various allergens. The most common ones come from cats and pet dander. Several of my family members are allergic to cats and need to take antihistamines when they’re around cats. Armed with this knowledge, I decided to start taking 1/4th of a Phenergan (prescription: it’s a powerful antihistimine that fights nausea) daily, without fail, to dry up the almost constant sinus drainage I have and have had all my life. It works like a charm! Benadryl is too strong for me, so the quarter strength Phenergan is ideal.
I’ve been doing this for a while now, and have noticed that since my histamines are regularly controlled, my triggers have become subdued as well. I haven’t taken a whole Phenergan in more than 5 years- that stuff’ll knock you out cold, but at 1/4th the strength; it allows the antihistamine to do its job (dry up the sinus cavities) while mitigating the histamine and body’s histamine reaction, resulting in a dramatic decrease in migraines, so much so that I seldom get them at all any more.
I used to think that the arachnoid cyst in my head caused these severe migraines; not any more. Perhaps the neurologist was correct: he suggested the migraines weren’t caused by the cyst and shared with me that arachnoid cysts are often congenital. Many people have them (from birth) and never know it. Some people have problematic cysts though, and the sinuses and arachnoid membranes flare up, which exacerbate the onset of migraines greatly. I believe my own body’s histamines have been the culprit the entire time. My daughter loves the kittowies too much to let them go, so I have to adhere to a strict code of health and watch my “triggers”, but hey, I’m practically migraine free now, and as a result of my super-tight-lifestyle, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. No complaints here.
🙂
(You know you’re getting old when you actually want to be healthy…)
Helios 44-2 film lens/digital Rebel- private retreat at friend’s house- January 2014
Flatline
I woke up this morning to a sink full of pee. Also, there are two rolls of toilet paper missing. I scroll through my mental rolodex of people, friends, animals, and other beings who have been in this place for the past 24 hours. What could this mean?
It’s kind of like the game Clue, except the wrench or gun has been replaced with a sink of pee. Josh thinks our dog did it. He does sometimes climb up on the counter (over the sink) and tear into the trash. Yes, yes, perhaps. Could he have peed in the sink? It’s possible. But the two rolls of toilet paper. How could they have simply vanished? No traces of their whereabouts.
These are things that I can ponder over the next twelve days without the internet. I’ve been stashing game and entertainment folders like a hoarder preparing for the apocalypse. Twelve days without the internet! That’s a lifetime. I’ve been chained to this bed and laptop for days- knocking out assignment after assignment. Criminology final- check. Cultural essay (with MLA citations) in Spanish II- check. Five remaining assignments in Lifetime Fitness and Wellness- check. I’ve knocked back 4 classes (and my finals) a month early in preparation for the internet crash. I remember taking pictures outside…and shadows! I like shadows! Two more days of school madness and it’s over. I’m hobbling through the finish line but dang it, I made it.
I’ll be back with stories of my graduation. Until then, farewell all!
♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻♪♥☺♫☼☻
Final Grade- Health PSYCH
Email from instructor:
Thank you for the comments. It has been a pleasure to oversee your excellent work. Your final grade for the Health Psychology class is 92% which is an “A”. I wish you success in your future academic pursuits and career choice. Stay well!
1 down- 3 to go!
No Dreams Tonight
Josh, blemishes and all
It’s 5:29 a.m. and I’ve been up all night. Josh is sleeping in the other room, bathed in the (deliciously) cold air. We’re now the semi-proud owners of three air conditioners! That’s reason to celebrate around here; things have been so rough lately. Apart from general hassles and stressors in life, the extreme heat was making us all a little bit crazy. It quite literally felt as if our brains were simmering in our own stupid juices.
Maddening!
I can actually think now and focus on my schoolwork again (which is drastically overdue). My teachers gave me an extension; I really don’t like to do that, but in this case, it couldn’t be helped. I’ve decided that I’ll be more than likely working on my B.A. in Criminal Justice after I graduate, minoring in Psychology. I’m interested in working in the areas of probation, parole, and rehabilitation. Here’s my theory:
There are two major gaps in our penal system. The first gap is within the age ranges of 17-24. Many of these candidates are still juveniles/young adults and have never been incarcerated for an extended length of time. They’re petty offenders and are still in a somewhat malleable state: they can still be reached and easily molded for correction and productivity. Some of these people will fall through the gap however, ending up in prison after several bouts with crime. This is the first gap and should be considered to be at one end of “prevention”. This is also the area that falls into probation rather than parole.
The second gap deals with people who are between the ages of 40-55 (give or take a few years). These are the ones who have fallen through the first gap and have been through the many revolving doors of the penal system, having never been rehabilitated. These are much harder cases because they have spent years in prison already, and when they are released, they hardly stand a chance at successfully rebuilding their lives due to the fact that the majority of our U.S. prisons aren’t implementing applicable programs that will help to restructure their lives. This is the second gap, and should be considered to be at the other end of the line, which is “cure”.
Prevention……………………………(Incarceration)…………………………………..Cure
The two gaps are crucial points for either category, because they are both PRIME TIMES for a juvenile delinquent (or former inmate) to utilize ready programs that will help him or her change their lives for the better.
My main area of interest will be in working in one of these areas: prevention/probation or cure/parole. And I don’t want to go and punch a time card, “do my job”, and go home. I don’t want that to be my life. I want to put every bit of what I have within me into my job, wherever it will be, and combine my personal and empirical experience in life with my academic education so that I can “actually make a difference” in the lives of others.
We’re heading out of here at 10:00 a.m.
We’re going to Tennessee to pick up Brianna from her friend’s house; it’s a beautiful stretch of country.
Time to see the sandman…
Hell Week x 3
The heat is making us all a little crazy. It’s 86 degrees in this place.
“How do you feel about being cremated, mom?” Brianna asked me nonchalantly.
“Is that what you want? To be cremated?” I asked her.
“Being buried is one of the most vile things you can to to another human being. They drain your blood, fill you with embalming fluid, and stuff cotton in all of your holes.”
“They stuff cotton in all of your holes?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well, there’s a Scripture that says we’ll return to the dust. I think that’s a commandment, not a request,” I said. “Do they really stuff cotton in all of your holes?” I asked again.
She said something else but my mind wandered off to thoughts of me, lying on a cold table with bits of cotton hanging out of my holes. Not that I would feel it at all.
“And I don’t want a funeral,” she continued.
“So you’d rather be burned up?” I asked her.
“I don’t want a funeral either,” I said. “Actually, I’ve left that up to Heidi. She’ll do what she wants with me.”
We sat quietly and reflected on the possibilities.
‘”Oh damn! Where did I put my mother?!'” I said to Brianna, mimicking Heidi.
“No,” Brianna said, ” she would pick up a homeless man with you in the back seat. He would be like, ‘What’s in the back?’ And she would be like, ‘ My dead mother,'” said Brianna, sitting upright with a no-nonsensical far away look, pretending to be Heidi.
I laughed as I pictured Heidi toting my cold body halfway across the city, picking up transients along the way- pushing bags and shoving heavy body parts to make more room.
“Well, I’ll tell you what,” I said to Brianna. “God forbid, if you should go before me, I’ll honour your request and have you cremated. I give you my word.”
She seemed appeased.
I got up to make noodles.
Josh and I were up at the buttcrack of dawn, as Heidi puts it, praying and getting ready to start our day. We went for a “coffee walk” at 9:00 a.m. which lasted for 20 minutes or so. We’re planning a chamomile tea-walk this evening. We’ve been working relentlessly on our schoolwork since this morning (squeezing in a doctor trip in between classes). I’m so glad Josh and I are both in school simultaneously; we’re a great support system for one another. We know when to put extra pressure on each other and when to tell the other to take a break.
The next three weeks will no doubt be the most academically challenging thing I’ll have ever done. I have no earthly idea how I’m going to do everything I’ve scheduled. It’s shocking to think about. My schedule looks like this:
June 12-Wednesday
Study for Midterm Exam in Earth Science/Take Midterm Exam
Math 2.5 & 2.6
Health Psychology Unit 3
Read Public Speaking Chap 7
June 13-Thursday
Take Math Quiz 2.4-2.6
Read Chapter 10 Earth Science
Read Public Speaking Chap 8
June 14-Friday
Take Earth Science Test 10
Do remaining Assignments in Earth Science
Read Public Speaking Chap. 9
June 15-Saturday
Public Speaking ALL DAY
Do # 3 Public Speaking Written Assignment
Take next EXAM in Public Speaking
Prepare for next 4 speeches
And that’s just the next few days.
Each chapter of each course covers 30-40 pages.
The remainder of the month is staggering. I’m fairly certain that after I graduate, I’ll be working on my B.A. in Sociology and a double minor in Criminal Justice and Psychology. Lots of fun in store for me!
I have so little time now; I’m off to compose a 5 page Health Psychology assignment, read another chapter in Public Speaking and do 25 (more) pre-calculus problems- that will be 50 total for the day. That will add up to over 200 math problems in just the past few days, apart from my other courses.
Time to get cracking.
Au revoir!
Fun in the Sun
Not really.
It’s neither sunny here, nor fun.
As a matter of fact, I’m in the middle of intercept slope forms, functions of graphs, and linear equations.
Good stuff. And look! Only 24 more to go!
I want my Mom. 😦
****************************
8/1/14
Tonight, I paid $109 of Mom’s electric bill: I surprised her, because she was behind and in a hard place.
And here you are. You could be loving her, truly loving her. Instead, you seek my hurt- my destruction- and it delights you to break your own Mother’s heart.
Let me tell you- hell will find you tonight. And death will come upon you as a whirlwind, because you have turned away from the love of God.
And let this be a testament against you for you are full of hypocrisy and harm. DEATHEATER.
Forgiven
Wow.
So my school had penalized me for dropping my two classes (College Algebra and Public Speaking) due to the car accident that I was involved in on October the 1st. Although it wasn’t my fault, they put $1,380 back onto my balance (meaning that’s what I now owe them) as well as a transcript and registration hold. Without help, I could practically kiss college goodbye.
But I’m a fighter and I simply refuse to go down like that. I wrote a compelling letter simultaneously to the Dean, the bursar, and the director of financial aid, begging them to help me, and asking them to not allow me to fall through the cracks of society and become a statistic of “what could have been”. Two days later I received a letter from my adviser stating that the balance would remain, but they lifted the registration hold, allowing me to return for the spring semester. (!) I know a handful of people who have had to drop out altogether for similar holds and situations- this is nothing short of a miracle.
So, I’ll get to return in several weeks to finish up my degree. I’m ecstatic. 🙂
I’m not crazy about math, but I’m going to give it my best shot. This will be my fourth semester of college algebra; the first three were developmental and I didn’t receive credit, so this will be somewhat gratifying.
I have three weeks to play in the snow before the madness begins!
Let it snow…
[Taken today, on my snow walk.]
Dropping Classes
I’m so disheartened. I haven’t had to drop a class in years. After the car accident, I’ve awaken every morning with a splitting headache- as if I have socks stuffed in my head completely; accompanied by nausea and a stiff neck, along with an aching back, shoulders and now I’m having unidentifiable pain shooting through my eyebrows and the bridge of my nose- that’s a first.
I feel like I’m 75 years old in my body. This is not good.
I can’t focus. I’m disoriented and find myself as if I’m in a daze. I want to do my Algebra but keep finding myself in a stupor, having to push, metally very hard, just to comprehend what the instructor is saying. This was not like this before the accident.
I have no idea what’s happened to me but I know that I didn’t receive the care I needed at Clark memorial Hospital. A cat scan won’t even pick up my cerebral cyst- it takes an MRI for that, and I didn’t receive a post-accident MRI. As far as I’m concerned, I’m still “unseen” regarding medical care.
I can’t believe the nurse actually gave the patient in a wheelchair a cigarette! He was threatening a doctor even!
In the grass, in the front of the hospital, there’s a sign that touts that the hospital is a “tobacco free campus”.
Hmmm….
It grieves me that I’m going to have to drop my Algebra and Public Speaking classes. They’re simply too much for me at the moment- my head is a total wreck. 😦
I wanted to work on my songs too. A CD even perhaps, and, revise my children’s book “Peanut Butter Soup” and start doing school tours, like the one I did at Pine View in New Albany. The mayor and I took turns visiting classes and reading to the children.
Looks like everything is on hold for now until I know what is going on with my head and back.
I’m still having sharp pains shooting through my right ear too, only now, it’s joined by pains in my left ear.
Every day is a battle to simply “go through it”. This accident has really messed me up.
I’ll have to postpone my degree, but I’m still working toward it. I will stay in my Nutrition class, which isn’t too demanding, and my Substance Abuse Treatment Centers class as well. I was scheduled to intern at an actual treatment center beginning next semester. Looks like that will have to wait also.
Photo Therapy
So my assignments are stacking up already.
College Algebra
Fill out proctor forms/fax back to instructors
Read 28 pages in Nutrition/take first quiz
Finish up reading in Alcohol and Other Drug Problems- type out 2 page report as a treatment center assistant, specializing in prevention
Prepare for my first speech
They’re not due until next Monday, so…there’s time.
I’m tempted to go play hookie. Down at the river. With my camera. Maybe- maybe I could do research of some kind. For school. Or something.
With my camera.
Josh is frustrated. He’s on his laptop rambling on about his inconsiderate teacher.
I really didn’t hear a word he said.
“Is that your Spanish class?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, seemingly appeased.
I passed.
Heidi/Lensbaby Composer Pro/Double Glass Ops./RAW/Manual [Rebel xti]
m o n o c h r o m e j u n k i e † 