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Eating Good in the Hood

It’s raining non-stop out there. It’s supposed to continue raining all day, all day tomorrow, and then cease on Sunday. It’s already flooding downtown. Josh and I fell asleep to the soft pitter patter of the rain- it’s so soothing at night.

Our Vegan diet/lifestyle is going well still. We’ve been getting quite creative in the kitchen! Here are a few examples of our recent culinary creations:

Beer-battered, deep-fried, “Fish” Tacos (fish = tofu) with Pickled Red Onions and Chipotle mayo w/ cilantro and lime
fish tacos

Homemade Veggie-sausage pizza with Parmesan and Mozzarella “cheeses”,  sun-dried tomatoes, black olives, scallions,  and shitake and portabella mushrooms
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And last night’s amaaazing Purple Cabbage, Carrots, Scallions, Portabella mushrooms, and veggie sausage egg rolls with garlic, ginger, soy sauce, chile oil, and sesame oil. THE BOMB.
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School is going well still. Much work to do over the next two weeks! Some videos I have to make as well- book reports, case studies to analyze- ugh. Work, work, work. But two weeks to go, and then I’ll be on my mid-semester break. Still deciding if I want to go full-time or part-time next semester.

I miss my kids. Terribly. I haven’t seen Brianna since Thanksgiving. She’s living somewhere in Louisville- that’s all I know. We were basically each other’s shadow when she lived here, so I respect her fierce privacy. I’m the same way. Just because my car is in the driveway doesn’t mean I’ll answer the door if you knock! I may watch you walk away while I peek out the window, wishing we could’ve chatted, but not really. We all have our little quirks- that’s mine.

I miss my Bri- Bri too. It seems like just yesterday that he and all of his friends were on the other side of the living room wall- drawing on the walls with magic markers after having a wee bit too much to drink. I’d make an extra round of supper and fill the plates with food and deliver them to him and his hungry friends. Man I miss that! It’s so quiet here now. All the kids are gone…and all the kids are grown- living their own lives and doing their own things. It’s so great, but so painful too sometimes. Ahh…but that’s part of life.

Suddenly, the house feels so much emptier…but the rain is like a cloak that covers me with a shroud of privacy. That’s probably why I love the rain the most. It slows the world down…

Pics from my walk a few days ago- before the rain. Test-driving the new Vivitar 70-210 3.5 SMC macro zoom film- KILLER LENS!

Circlies
CoolWood2
Grass2
lizard
YouandMe
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Softly2
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Valentine’s Day- 2018

My love…YouandMeFB

Hard Day’s Night

Yesterday was a very long day, academically. I had two deadlines in two separate classes: Psychology of Addiction, and Addiction Counseling Theory and Practice. Combined, I wrote a total of 17 pages. I used to get stressed out when I put things off and scrambled to meet my deadlines, but now it’s just part of the game. It’s not impractical either, though it may seem like it. We’re living in a fast-paced, skiddishly-spinning world in which dealing with high-pressured situations are all par for the course. (Unless you live in a hut somewhere in Africa, of course.)  But in most peoples’ lives, rambling throughout the day and scrambling to get things done in a hurry is quite normal. I’ve just adapted to it nicely and I don’t really think that’s a bad thing.

I may be repeating myself, as I’ve pulled another all-nighter. The last thing I said to Josh (late last night) was, “Don’t worry. I’m going to sleep soon. I PROMISE.) Oopsy! I accidentally bought a new camera/Canon t3i and Vivitar Series 1 VMC 70-210mm f/3.5 MF lens to go with it instead.  (And a 2x converter) I am FREAKING STOKED!!! Capturing pics of razor-sharp owls in flight is a breeze with that lens and I cannot wait to take it out for a spin with the new camera to boot. I’ll have a 2 week break in between semesters (in a few more weeks) and I’m needing to start building up my inventory of pics that I’ll want to  start selling soon.

I’m not used to getting excited so much any more, and I’m really not wanting to blather on about Josh’s and my plant-based (mostly vegan) diet and lifestyle change, but really, ever since we made the switch (about a month ago), my mood has been ON POINT. 😉 I’m feeling good- chipper- light in the heels, and Josh and I do a good bit of laughing together. I guess you could say I’m happy. 🙂

Speaking of packages, I’m expecting one to be delivered any moment from Sincerely Nuts, and I have to make Josh’s protein shakes and his lunch, as he’ll be getting up soon for work.

Supper last night: Roasted beet and butternut squash salad with pan-fried tofu w/chile oil, sesame oil, and soy sauce + lemon, EVOO (extra Virgin Olive Oil), sea salt, and fresh cracked pepper a splash of “nooch” (nutritional yeast). and a nice chilled glass of Sunset Blush. It was….amazing.  Until next time. x

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Banana-Nut, Oat Flour Pancakes with Cacao Nibs and (real) Maple Syrup

I’m really not trying to be a lifestyle blogger. Josh and I just decided we wanted to take better care of ourselves, which meant converting to a 100% plant-based (Honey eating vegans, basically) diet. In the first month, Josh is down 25 lbs. and I’m down 8 or so. We women, I swear our battle (of the bulge) is always a little bit harder! We have the extra pounds on our love-handles. And, if you’re blessed with a whole lotta junk in your trunk (thanks to the Mama!) then it’s that much harder on top of everything else. My sister and I both inherited some serious junk in our trunks from our Mama! No complaints there. 😉

Anyway, it’s a lazy Sunday night, and I’m relaxing on the couch with my guy, our dogs and cats with the 55 inch ROKU wide screen + Netflix. I wish I could say that Josh and I love to work out, but alas- we hate to! I’d rather exercise naturally than feel like a hamster on a wheel, being reminded with every wheel-turn that you’re doing the work because you have to, not because you want to.  For that reason, I’d rather get exercise from LIFE itself: walking, hiking, doing photoshoots, and being outdoors and in nature.

Josh has been off of work for the past month; thankfully we had enough in our savings account that allowed us to live comfortably without him having to rush out and find another job. He’ll be going back to work next week so our little vacation is over. But it’s been fun. I really don’t have much to write or report. I just wanted to leave a digital thumbprint for references. Even if I don’t have much to say, I like to update now and then so that I can keep a timeline of emotions, pics, thoughts/ideas, and just a general idea of how life is at that point in time. So on that note, I’ll make my exit and leave a pic of these incredibly, ridiculously, healthy and deliciously addictive oat flour pancakes that Josh and I have been making for several days in a row.  Seriously, once you start, you’ll want them daily. I promise. I ripped the recipe elsewhere, but tweaked it to make it “my own”.

Banana-Nut, Oat Flour Pancakes with Cacao Nibs and (real) Maple Syrup
Super Tak 135/3.5 film lens
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Ingredients

2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon white vinegar
2 cups almond milk (we make our own)
2 cups oats- ground to powder/flour
2 teaspoons (leftover) almond pulp (optional)
2 ripe bananas
½ teaspoon cinnamon
3 teaspoons of vanilla flavoring
pinch of salt
sprinkle of cacao nibs- ground up
Several teaspoons of coconut oil (for cooking)
Real maple syrup

Directions

Mix the vinegar and almond milk together and set it aside for 5 minutes. Mix everything else up (except for the cacao nibs and 1 banana) in the blender, blend it up for a minute or so, and then add almond milk and vinegar mixture and blend again. (This is now your pancake batter.) That’s it- it’s that easy. Makes 8 mini pancakes. Top with sliced banana, real maple syrup, and crushed cacao nibs, and voila.

Daily factoid: Cacao nibs are a superfood, and they contain the highest levels of antioxidants than any other superfood, or food, for that matter.

Bon appetit!

Green Velvet

 

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Josh and I have created our own spirulina smoothie. We call it: Green Velvet. It’s thick, creamy, delicious and ultra-filling. We’ve recently picked up a new blender (as well as a juicer), and wanted to make our own healthy smoothies. We winged it as we went on, but it exceeded our expectations and despite it looking a bit like paint, was really quite good!

We ground our organic oats in the coffee grinder- same with the cocao nibs- and added it to the mix. It’s wholesome and nutritious with a deep, earthy flavour. In short, it’s fantastic.

Ingredients

1 & 1/2 cups of Coconut milk (1 cup cold- 1/2 cup frozen)
1/4 cup of fresh or frozen cherries
1/2 cup of raw/organic oats- ground to oat flour
2 Tbsps. spirulina
1/2 cup of chia seeds
1/2 cup organic cocao nibs
2 tbsps. of all-natural peanut butter
1/2 cup of raw honey

Josh and I are down a total of 27 lbs. so far (20 for him, 7 for me) without any type of exercise at all (well um, except for sex, of course), but we’re wanting to sign on with our local gym soon. We’re beefing up our smoothie station as well. I’ve just put an order in with Amazon for Ashwaghanda powder, macu macu powder, maca powder, goji berries, spirulina, protein (plant) powder and a few other super foods.

Starting the year off right. :mrgreen:

Fire in the Hole

Fire in the pie hole, that is. Initially, I stopped blogging for a while because I have a crazy sibling who stalks my every move here at my blog, and after discovering her footprints all over the place here (such as, seeing her key word searches that she used- which were disturbing, to say the least) – I just really grew disgusted at the notion that she poured over my every word, and it really just creeped me out, altogether. I began feeling like my posts were going directly to her, rather than feeling liberated and being able to express myself freely. (She has a long history as a stalker, and I’m betting she’s changed very little in the past 5 years.)

Alas, I can’t live my life based on other people.- especially her. So I’ll pick up where I left off and simply do what I’ve always done: document my life in words and pictures so that my children and others will have a digital “life album” that they can access, both now and in the future. Apart from that, blogging is really healthy, and sometimes, getting those feelings out through writing is the only way to move past them. So, I’m going to try and blog every day again, and the purpose is not to entertain others; if I wanted to do that I’d just be a You Tuber instead. I don’t really care if I’m blogging about peas, just as long as I keep writing. I’ll only be able to free up emotional space if I’ve made room for new things. So, if you’re here and reading this, be warned- you may eventually be reading about peas.

Since switching to a plant-based diet, Josh and I have considered our options where “meat” is concerned. We’ve been researching meat alternatives, and came across a protein-rich, wheat-based, gluten-heavy protein called tempeh. Basically, tempeh is fermented soy beans that have been fried into small “cakes”. It’s packed with gluten, because gluten is the part of wheat that’s thick and sticky and keeps the bread together. Tempeh is a concentration of the sticky parts, so if you’re eating Tofurkey– which is a vegan meat substitute- you’re eating a gluten-bomb.

I thought I’d be o.k. eating it, because I’ve never had signs of being gluten-sensitive before and have eaten wheat all of my life. But almost immediately after making spaghetti with Tofurkey, my tongue began to burn on its underside. At first, it felt like I’d been burned, and then it progressed into a full-scale attack in which the top of the bottom (of my tongue) felt and looked like it was split open. It clearly had swollen and split apart and appeared to be growing in both size and intensity. Before long, my right ear felt pressurized and my right eye began to burn as well. Within 12 hours, I couldn’t talk and it hurt so badly it took my breath away. When I woke up this morning, I was in excruciating pain and could barely chew my food.

It’s been almost 24 hours now and the pain hasn’t let up at all. I’m guessing I’m gluten-sensitive! Josh got some Orajel for me and it’s helped relieve some of the pain. So, I’ll be adding that to the list as well:

meat
eggs
dairy
gluten

Thank God for Almond milk ice cream! Adopting a (mostly) vegan diet doesn’t mean food has to be boring. I’ve been making my own cashew milk too. It’s amazing! Josh discovered that almond milk has the nutrition of only 28 almonds, so we found a great cashew milk recipe that’s simple as well as wholesome and delicious. None of the pulp is thrown out, so nothing goes to waste. It’s actually tastier than cow’s milk. Lately, cow’s milk had begun to taste like water, so it’s nice to have a creamy milk that is rich in flavour and nutrients.

I’m taking the day off and resting in bed. I can’t believe January is almost gone! One month left of the cold and then the spring will be here again. ❤

Lewis and Clark’s cabin- overlooking the Ohio River
-Click on print to purchase-

lewisandclarkmatte

 

Vegan (ish)

Josh and I have been making some serious changes to our lifestyles. We watched the Netflix documentary What the Health two weeks ago, and were absolutely livid at how the animals are treated as they’re “super-raised”. Most all meat manufacturers (and “growers”) admitted that they pack their animals in so tightly that they can barely move around, and it’s not uncommon at all for many of them to be inundated in their own waste. In fact, many of them stand in several feet of their waste, and many of their neighboring animals were sick and diseased; those who weren’t sick and dying were already dead.

Watching that document opened a dialogue in which we discussed not only animal cruelty and our desire to omit all meats from our diets, but our desires to take better care of our bodies. I saw videos of people who were fighting cancer who decided to switch to a plant-based diet. After consuming a plant-based diet consistently for a year or so, one particular woman was able to eradicate cancer altogether. Today, she is healthy, happy, strong, and cancer free.  Also, we learned that when a person eats meats- especially the unhealthy kinds- there are lipids and certain compounds that actually attack the arterial walls; not unlike a dart which sticks in the side of something. Over time, that dart changes the molecular structure of the artery so that it thickens up, ultimately causing it to harden.

Josh and I decided together that we would cut out all meats from our diet. Also though, we learned that milk manufacturers, and paid dairies, add hormones and other awful things to cow’s milk so that it contains puss and hormone-packed mucus that also contributes to unhealthy fats attacking our arteries. (Not to mention, milk does a number on both of our internal systems.) So, we tossed out milk as well. But then we learned that 1 egg yolk is equal to 5 cigarettes in the bad cholesterol department. So, bye bye eggs! As long as we’re cleaning house, we wanted to cover all of our bases.

That pretty much puts us level with vegans. Except, vegans don’t eat honey- seeing how honey is considered “animal-based”. But honey is where I draw the line. I consider raw honey somewhat of a super food, seeing how our it’s fantastic for boosting and protecting the immune system. Nope. Honey and I will never part. Besides, I don’t like to be labeled, and as far as I’m concerned, Josh and I are “plant-based” in our diet choices. We can eat anything we want, at any time. We just choose not to.  And for me, having that allowance open at all times, but choosing not to will only continue to fortify our resolve.

We both feel so much better and far more energetic! It makes perfect sense, really. Eating meats (with all of its unhealthy fats) attack not only the arterial walls, but the brain itself. It’s not uncommon for individuals to experience a “clearing of the mind” when going Veganish, and that clearly happened to us as well. We’re alert, and focused and have even noticed that looking at lights and their auras seem so much brighter too. Everything is brighter! Josh has lost 10 lbs. in only two weeks and I’ve lost 7. We’re not even exercising yet, apart from the occasional mile walk at the park with our dogs, or the trip down to the river on the rocks. We’ve decided to join a gym, however, and are looking forward to starting that.

School is going terrific. I’m halfway through my 2nd semester. My two classes for now are: Addiction Counseling Theory and Practice, and Psychology of Addiction. Grad. studies are much different than I thought they would be! This stuff is not easy.  I’m seriously giving some thought to obtaining my R.N. license in Nursing, after receiving my Master”s in Addiction Counseling, simply because I’m thinking about having a dual-license. I could work in Rehab as a nurse or an addictions counselor, but that’s so far down the road. And, as it goes with other things, that may not pan out at all. It’s all part of tossing ideas around until it gels and feels right. For now though, I’m focusing on Addiction Counseling.

I would have written here again sooner, but it was the holidays and Josh and I had to endure yet one more year of my sister inviting the entire family unit to her house for Christmas and purposely leaving us out. This has been going on every year for many years now. I’ve told her on more than one occasion that what she’s doing is extremely hurtful. It’s simply neither fair nor “right” to host the most family-focused event of the year at your house if you and another sibling are not speaking. What hurts the most, however, is that my mother knows that it cuts our hearts out, yet she continues to go over there- year after year- knowing that Josh and I are not welcome. It would have helped, tremendously, if my Mom chose to have the family gather at her house instead. That way nobody would feel left out and all would feel welcome, but that didn’t happen, so, we’ll forge ahead, Josh and I, alone.

Close the door and move on.

New year.

 

 

Meyer-Optik Görlitz Diaplan 80/2.8
TotheTouch

White Linen

This one’s for you, Cari. I wrote this a few years back, as a challenge with Josh, and my daughter, Brianna. We were sitting around the living room, chatting, when I challenged them to a short story competition. I’d never really written a short story before, so this was new ground for me. I enjoyed it though. Hope you do too. 🙂

 

White Linen

Her fingers felt like two hot stones that had soaked up the angry sun. The sweat was gathering on her back and Ellie knew that she was racing against the clock. She’d been out there for two hours now; digging, planting, and turning over the dry, crusted earth. She wiped her brow, smearing dirt on her face; mixing with the sweat that ran down into her ear. There wasn’t even a hint of a breeze.
“Good thing too,” she thought.

A gentle breeze would only have lulled her into the hope of being comfortable. She wasn’t much of a gardener, but her mother (and her mother’s mother) had toiled away in the burning sun, just as Ellie was doing now, and so she felt it was her womanly duties, if nothing else, to keep the grounds. It was her heritage. Her land now. Her large fingers tore at the soil and she carefully placed each small stone that introduced itself, into neat little piles. The smile that was beginning to form at the corners of her mouth, was evidence that she was quite pleased with herself. She squinted and stared up into the sun. The lemon-yellow glow, radiated out from the heavens, wrapping itself around her very heart it seemed. Panting, she let her eyes drift across the canvas of the sky, and thought of the tangy lemons in her basket over the stove. She would take a few, squeeze them tightly into a pitcher, (after cutting them in half), careful not to let the seeds fall in. She’d add a few cups of sugar (she could practically taste it now), rushing to the pit of her stomach as if it too were trying to get away from the burning heat.
Ellie wiped her hand on her brown, faded dress. You know the one. A rip, there at the hem from rushing through life, month after month; chores and endless lists to check off. A button, missing in the back, directly across from her burdened waist; proof that she’d rewarded herself bountifully after each carefully planned meal. The floral pattern, was beaten away by the unforgiving sun, year after year of hanging out those old stained linens. Why, they must be forty years old by now!  Ellie wasn’t aware that she’d drifted off again; her eyes fixed to those linens as if it were the sheets themselves that took her back to her Jonah, and the sound of his harmonica…and her laughter. But Jonah was gone and so were the years.
She wiped her eyes, again streaking dirt across her lid. Her parched mouth brought Ellie’s eyes away from the sheets and back to her tired old hands. Lemonade. Ellie put her packages of seeds next to the neatly stacked stones, and tried to rise. It felt as if the sun had exploded in her chest; her breathing coming in heavy gasps and she fell to the ground, kicking the stones as she went. Ellie closed her eyes, for the sun was blinding, and she pulled at the grass, reaching for something.. (for what, she did not know) something to feel connected to. Even with her eyes closed, she felt the shadow move over her face. Ellie opened her eyes. The sun was hiding behind the peculiar man, causing a cool shadow to fall on her. For that, she was grateful. The ripping pain in her chest, seemed to have vanished, and Ellie was wondering who the stranger was that stood before her.
”Can I help you Ma’am?” he asked kindly.

Ellie shook her head, as if to say no, but then nodded her head in confusion. The glow of the sun seemed to make him glow as if he too, were indeed part of the sun.
”Y-yes…thank you….sir….,” she answered; her voice trailing off, barely above a whisper.
She looked up and into his eyes. How could it be? Her Jonah was gone, and he looked nothing like him, but his eyes..she could almost be certain they were Jonah’s. Yes. She was absolutely certain that she’d looked into them before. She reached up, placing her hand into his waiting one. The man pulled her up; a gentle nod and smile as he did and Ellie let out a breath of summer air, returning his smile, and gently squeezing his hand. The sight of her linens, dancing happily in the breeze, caught her eye. The gentle wind kissed her hair, refreshing her for the first time in months. She could hear the faint trail of a harmonica playing, as many do in the country, and still holding the man’s hand, Ellie looked around, to take stock in all that she had to be thankful for. This is the house, that sheltered her through the many seasons of her life. The garden there, was her daily companion; patiently teaching her how to grow.
”Are you ready?”, asked the man.
Ellie paused, and looked back at the scattered stones. Lying next to them was the body of Ellie Parkins. Ellie saw herself, but felt as if she were looking at a stranger. Dirt streaked her forehead, and a faint smile, was still painted on her mouth. Hanging on the clothesline, were those white linens, which also seemed to glow with the strength of the sun shining through them. Ellie looked up at the man, and with one last sigh, she pursed her mouth together and nodded at her friend, as they walked together toward the shining sun…

HarvestSun

Forever and a Day

I can hardly believe it’s been seven months since I last posted! Life has been super crazy and I’ve been trying to get all of my ducks in a row. I feel like I’ve been stuck for the longest time- spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I’ve been out of school for a year and a half now…free falling into nothingness. Days pass with minimal actions and reactions; sometimes it feels like life is passing me by and I’m watching it ride off in the distance. I’m just not entirely happy unless I’m doing something and getting things done.

The last time I posted, things were at a standstill, academically. My undergrad. college was holding my transcript hostage until I paid my balance (of $1,200) down completely. The chances of that happening were right up there with me learning Chinese overnight- it just wasn’t happening!

Bless my Mama’s heart. I explained my situation to her- she’s been my champion throughout my entire undergrad. studies- year after year, cheering me on, relentlessly and lovingly. I share what I’ve learned with her in the area of psychology and self-help and she shares in my joy. In a strange and neat way, we’re doing this school  thing together. So when I let her know just how dire things were, she texted Josh to tell me that she had the entire balance- all $1,200 waiting for me to pick it up at her place. I just bawled my eyes out there in the hallway. She truly is my hero.

And so now, after much time doing absolutely nothing with my life, I’m able to get back on track and begin work on my Master’s degree soon. After much contemplation, I’ve decided on becoming a Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor. It’s not going to be an easy road, but I’m up for the challenge. I’ll need to study for 3 or so years, and of course, there’s internship/practicum (560 hours) and as the years go on, I’ll need to put in 4,000 or so hours to be a CADAC II and eventually CADAC 4- CADAC being a Certified Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor. Being certified and licensed are two different things, particularly in the area of reciprocity. (One pertains to remaining within one’s state only, and the other allows for the practice in various other states.) But first things first!

My plans are to work on the education part, and then as time goes on, intern as a mental health tech. in a rehab. facility for 1 to 3 years, so that I can gain the necessary field experience to have a very good job down the road. With a Master’s in Substance Abuse Addictions Counseling + 4,000 hours of experience, I’ll be able to secure a job of $45,000 or so, starting out. Now that may be peanuts to some folks, but for me, it’s more than enough. I’m in the process of cleaning up my credit, so over the next 5 years, I should be in a very good position to work on buying a home (at a fairly low mortgage rate) and be right on track in most areas of my life.

I’ve officially been accepted into my Master’s program and am SO thrilled to begin school on October 3rd. That gives me a good month to clean my house. 😉 Josh and I are still trucking along- he’s the love of my life, truly. We’ve been each other’s heart beat for 11 years now! Where does the time go?

Brian and his gal, Gabby, have moved out so Josh and I finally have the place to ourselves for the first time ever. I wish I could say we’ve been sad, but um…we’ve been running around in our underwear hooping and hollering and acting like it’s a frat house! 🙂

I feel the grey clouds rolling out and everything’s starting to take on a vivid, golden hue. When I was a child, I never imagined that I would become a counselor when I was older. My dreams are literally coming true, and I am so happy. ❤

Rim Rock Trail- Garden of the Gods, Illinois- Helios film lens/manual-Aug-2017

Rim Rock Trail Aug 2017

House of Pain

For the life of me, I don’t understand why a man chooses to  view pornography when he has a beautiful, FAITHFUL woman who loves him. I’ll never understand. No amount of words that he may utter from his lips could ever make enough sense for me to understand.

I just returned from Texas, from my Aunt’s memorial service. She died of a heart attack as soon as she got into her car, following her work day. She and her husband had been married for 63 years. It was a beautiful service and I was finally able to meet all of my extended relatives in Texas (my native home state in which I was born). That made it especially bittersweet, that I was able to meet them for the first time, as a result of my Aunt’s death. In that way, I’ll consider it her parting gift- and her sacrifice.

I had left my home, and my guy was here alone for a week. We’ve had many (too many to count) “situations” in which he views pornography as soon as I so much as walk out of the room. He’s quite addicted. And in some cases, he’s admitted to viewing pornography with me sitting right in the same room. What kind of man can lust after naked women with his lady right in the freaking room?! An animal. That’s what kind. A crude beast- without a heart or any measure of decency. And he professes to be a Christian! That’s the kicker.

And so, as I was travelling to Texas last week, a little (Spiritual) birdie flew into the car and let me know that he was at it again. I tried to put it out of my mind, because really, I’ve given too many years (10) to this and have given him too many chances. At some point, I simply must take a stand for myself and say “Enough is enough; you blew it, kiddo.”

And so I came home yesterday, to a filthy house (in more ways than one)- every dish in the house- stacked up on the table- nothing had been done. Dog feces on my bedroom floor. I had left this bedroom clean as a whistle for him, before I left. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this man doesn’t care much for me. Isn’t it funny how we tell ourselves things? And we believe them. Because the truth is just too painful. We choose to believe a fairy tale lie because it hurts far less than the brutal truth.

Well I’m tired of his lies, and I’m tired of lying to myself- thinking that he loves me. No. If he loved me, he would have made different choices. I don’t have the patience or the ignorance any more to believe that he looks at porn but he REALLY loves me too. The problem is that he may love me “a bit”, but he just doesn’t love me ENOUGH to choose our love over porn. Every choice has a consequence. And you just can’t have your cake and eat it too. Not anymore.

A man that is constantly cheating on his woman (over the years) doesn’t deserve a good woman. He deserves a trashy tramp- somebody with no self-respect. That’s what he deserves. Not somebody who loves him with all of her heart and never so much as even thinks about looking in the opposite direction. He doesn’t deserve that woman’s love.

And so now this is my life. I find myself feeling frozen, in a strange and cold tundra. I’m numb. And I’m tired of crying. My eyes are swollen from crying for hours. Everything I thought I had is gone. Shattered. In shambles. 10 years with this man- down the drain. I’m so tempted to simply lie here on my bed and crawl inside myself and disappear. It hurts too much to move and think and feel. But I can’t do that. I made myself get up out of bed and go make coffee. I made oat meal- I even made a bowl for him and left it on the counter. I think it’s important to choose compassion when somebody’s done you dirty. It builds character.

Anyway, I’ve lost 7 lbs. I wanted to have lost 10 already, but no go. I’ll just have to start taking my daily mile walks again. I’m forcing myself to stay busy all day long- and active. I need to stay distracted- at least during these first few initial weeks. It will do me no good at all to lay down and die inside. And so I’ll continue to work and clean and scrub and not give any thought to the situation at hand.

And I’ll continue to pray, and ask God to give me the strength to endure these painful days and lonely nights. I’ll continue to ask God to help me to forgive my offender. And to not hate. It’s too easy to hate right now. I really do believe that God has all things in His hands. And if I ask him to share His love and grace with me, I know He will. He’ll give me the love I need to carry on. Just because I’m alone now doesn’t mean I’m loveless. God loves me. So I’ll dwell on that, and heal.

Saltillo, Texas- 5 pic panorama (Photo-merge)- Carl Zeiss Sonnar DDR- film lens + Canon Rebel XSI
cowpano

More Texas pics (83 degrees in January- barefooted)texas-barn-28mm-i-think
country-road
old-barn-texas
fence2
steer
mushroom-in-back-of-aunt-marthass-yard

Black Days are Here Again

It’s been so long since I’ve been into my (almost) daily groove of writing. Usually, I’m in a end-of-year funk that lasts until February, roughly. It doesn’t have anything to do with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because I love rain, snow, the cold, and bleak days. But usually, it begins to creep in just before Thanksgiving and lasts into the New Year and every year I’m just so glad when it’s all over. (I know I’m not alone in how I feel.)

I really thought that I’d be loving my time away from school, but the truth is, I love the pressure cooker! I love the grind and the deadlines and the small goals that I check off to feel like I’m accomplishing stuff. Lately, I’ve barely taken any pics or have done anything significant or worthwhile, and I’ve been extremely depressed. I’ve taken my anger out on Josh and that’s just not o.k. God knows I’ve had/studied enough psychology to know how to fix things, and so I’ve taken out my camera, and have decided to practice my “Photo Therapy”, once again.

Usually, when I’m depressed (which isn’t often), it’s because I’ve been looking through a twisted perspective. Anger or sorrow bends the truth in matters and leaves me with a shattered view of how things truly are. But they’re not really like that. It’s just my damaged filter. And so, I know that I need to change my perspective- both emotionally and literally. First, I like to change up my environment. If the house is semi-trashed; I’ll go on a cleaning spree and do some deep-cleaning and disinfecting, etc. I like things super clean, but I don’t have any problem with allowing things be a bit “lived in” too.

After that, I break out my gear (camera, multiple lenses, etc.) and try to learn something new regarding photography. I’m aching to get back to my roots: black and white; and I’m tempted to put my camera in my monochrome setting and leave it there for an entire year. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for the longest time- but I always back out of it after a few weeks. I always tell myself that I’ll rob myself of hundreds of beautiful colored shots and wimp out. But I know that unless I stick to it, I’m never going to grow as a black and white photographer! So, I’m going to do my very best to do just that: throw my camera into monochrome- and leave it there for a whole year (starting yesterday). Not everybody sees everyday life in black and white (and is able to do that even without a camera), but I’m one of those people who can. Also, when you shoot in black and white, you’re not basing your shot on colour and colour schemes, you’re basing it on tones, lines, textures, and lighting. It changes everything. 

I picked up an old Sigma 21-35 film lens that I’ve been itching to take for a spin. maybe I’ll do that this week. Josh and I had a bit of Pecan Pie moonshine last night and went for a late night trip to the waterfront down at the Ohio River.

Sigma 21-35/handheld/ISO 1600/1/25 sh. sp.

ohioriver

The shot would have been SO much better with a tripod, and perhaps a few shots less of moonshine, alas, for handheld using a a tank of a lens; it’s perhaps not too shabby.

Regarding my health, I’m happy to report that I’m no longer a migraine sufferer. I no longer get migraines- at all. Not even that rare once-a-month one. I’ve just begun to experience the beginning stages of perimenopause (which is a bucket of fun, let me tell you), and I suspect that that too is contributing to my depression, but perhaps it’s contributing to y lack of migraines as well, and that’s a trade I’m willing to make.

No matter what, when I do begin to experience depression, I know what to do to change things. So, today I’ll clean the house and prepare to go on a photoshoot in the rain with my camera’s new rain coat. 🙂 Although I really don’t have much to say, I’m a firm believer in journaling, and even if I’m just farting around and writing about my toenails, I’m still writing; and that helps too.

Bottlecap Pies

Josh and I have the best time making these little bottlecap pies magnets. 🙂

We use white earthen clay to form the tiny cherries and blueberries. We then hand-paint them and gently mold them into our bottlecap “pie shells”. Afterwards, we give them a coating of Sun and Moon diamond Glaze (the best out there) and then attach an ultra-strong Rare Earth magnet to the backs and voila! Kawaii pies. There’s something really therapeutic about making these pies: It’s both fun and relaxing.

You can find these cherry and blueberry pies in our Etsy shop, Early Perfection. (Our shop is currently a mishmash of all sorts of things. There’s no rhyme or reason, really. We make little things like these and then list them.)

We list these as 2 for $10, but O, if you’re reading this, you get our special “super cool person special”, which is 3 for $10. 😉

pie2
pie1

Five Months Later…

I can hardly believe it’s been five months since I’ve been away. Where has the time gone?!

I’d like to say that I’ve been off doing great and honourable things since graduating from college back in May, alas; I’ve merely caught up on 300 crime shows and have picked up a nasty sugar addiction. I’m talking- waxing 3 bags of bubble gum in 4 hours- no kidding. SHAMEFUL.

But let’s not focus on that. 😉

Today is Christmas, and Josh and I are pulling another all-nighter. He’s at his computer station, and I at mine. He’s gaming, and I’m working on editing some pics for my new Etsy shop. I’ve wanted to open an Etsy shop for almost ten years now. At first, I didn’t have enough inventory, and quite frankly, I wasn’t up to the standard of photography that I was utterly pleased with- not enough to sell my work. (But that was 10 years ago.) And then “school happened”. Now, more than 20,000 pics are held hostage on more than 5 disk drives. I could dig through the heap and salvage years of work, or, I could start all over and create a whole new body of work: I’ve chosen to do the latter.

It might seem crazy to want to start all over- especially having spent the last decade developing my  personal style and techniques, but for me, my art does more than mark a time in my life. My pics/images tell stories. (You artists and photogs out there know what I mean.) I want the stories to reflect who I am at that time. I’m not the same person I was even five years ago. So, I want to start over. I feel like I’ve grown as a person and an artist, and so I want my pics to reflect that.

I’ve added a new TAB at the top of my page ^up there^- it’s my ETSY tab. Clicking on the pic there will go directly to my ETSY site where I’m offering my prints for sale. In the past, I wanted to sell prints for the generalized reason of “simply wanting to”. Now it’s a matter of being able to return to school or not. My school is withholding my transcript until I pay down the current balance, which is just under $1,300. I don’t have many options, and so I’ve decided to finally open my ETSY shop so that I can sell my work and pay down my school balance. I’m hoping to be able to do this by May of 2017 (4 months from now). That’s a pretty tall order, and once again, I’m racing against the clock. If I don’t do this now, I’ll have to take another 6 months to do it (which means I’d have to wait until January 2018 to return to school), but I really can’t afford to do that.

Once my transcript is released, I’ll be able to apply to Fort Hays University, where I’ll be working on my Master’s degree in Educational Psychology. A lot is riding on this! So, I have a heck of a motivator to get out and get some fresh shots 3 times per week. I’m aiming to add 300 pics or so to my ETSY collection over the next few months. In short, I’m going to be pretty busy. 😉

I’m looking forward to popping in to everyone’s place and seeing what you all have been up to. Sure have missed everyone and I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS! ♥

Etsy Shop: Monochromejunkie

etsy-collage

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Second Etsy shop: Early Perfection

etsy-store

The Green Fairy

So Josh and I finally decided to try Absynthe:

Absynthe

It’s a liquor that was banned for almost 100 years due to its psychoactive properties (which are brought on by the wormwood that it contains) and a curiously high percentage of alcohol by volume. In other words, it’s a rich man’s moonshine. You’re supposed to drizzle cold water over a sugar cube into 2 oz. of absynthe until there’s a  1:1 ratio of each. We’d never tried it before so we decided to test out a small bottle- lest we find ourselves running naked through the streets after giving it a whirl.

After the solutions are mixed, the lime green colour gives way to a milky white- opaque sort of greenish concoction that’s quite pretty. We really didn’t have enough to judge accurately, but after we’d both had 2 oz., we were pretty laid back. It didn’t make us feel tipsy at all in an alcohol-induced way- but we were strangely subdued. (Josh took the gorgeous pic above with the Lensbaby.)

I’ve been MIA from my blog for quite some time. I haven’t had much to say, but really, I’ve been on a serious sabbatical since graduating in May! And this will be a short entry due to my raging migraine at the moment. (Nothing to do with the absynthe. It’s hormonal.)

I pictured my extended vacation (before graduating) and I saw myself doing a lot of lounging around, catching up on Netflix and just being a glorified beach bum (sans the beach + a dirty river instead). In fact, I’ve done very little of that. I’ve already opened up my first Etsy shop- selling anything and everything that Josh and I make art-wise. He makes clay African heads which are totally badass and also some pretty freaking awesome computer chip earrings and necklaces made from old motherboards. I’m so impressed with his creativity. 🙂 We’ve worked super hard on opening the shop, gathering inventory, and working on our packaging/branding. I won’t announce it here- not yet- because we’re not where I want it to be yet. We’ve only got 15 items listed, so we’re not quite ready to roll out a grand opening. Soon! Also, we’re working on our 2nd shop, which will be nothing like the first one. The first one is a catch-all for anything that strikes our fancy, but the 2nd one is deliberate and focused. So, we’ll be announcing both shops at once in the next few months. And, as much as I hate FB- with every drop in my body (and haven’t been there in 6 years)- I’ve decided to rejoin so that I can do my necessary PR and networking for our shops. Without social media, any business is dead in the water, and you have to PR the shit out of something if you want it to sell- it’s just that simple.

So- in several months, we’ll be linking our two shops here, and also on Facebook and Twitter and all of that good stuff. It won’t be a “fan” account at FB, it’ll be my own name and personal account, but it will double as a PR machine for new pieces we add here and there.

We’re pretty excited about this new direction we’re taking. I knew I wouldn’t be able to freaking lay around doing nothing! That doesn’t really exist in my world.

More on everything later. I currently have a rabid (invisible) critter gnawing at my head and the only thing that’ll help at this stage is to fall blissfully into unconsiousness. So, be well all. I miss everyone. x

 

 

Date Night

Josh and I popped into our favourite Mexican restaurant last night- a little place called La Loma on Eastern Blvd. which sells authentic Mexican tacos (and ice cold Coronas). Afterwards, we went to see Alice: Through the Looking Glass in 3D at the theater. It was pretty phenomenal. 🙂

Critics are panning it but I’m wagering that many of them are curmudgeony old farts who’ve long forgotten how to connect with their inner child. Josh and I were laughing and crying and fascinated by all of the pretty colours and CGI. (We clearly need to get out more.) 

I’ve been out of school for just over 3 weeks now, and I’m happy to say that I haven’t done a darn thing. At all. I’ve downloaded around 7 different games and have a large stack of library books on the table that I’m positive I won’t read. I’ve discovered that I have a thing for acquisition as opposed to actually reading. That said, I think I’m still decompressing because I’m really quite the bookworm. Normally, I don’t like to go more  than two days without accomplishing something or checking off goals on a list, so the fact that I’ve done nothing at all (and don’t care whatsoever) is a good sign! I’m learning to relax.

I did pick up this really awesome graduation present for myself though:
GradPresent

I absolutely love it. It’s a heavy duty copper and bronze homemade poppy necklace from an online shop called Mama Peacock. I think it’s a steal for $26. It sits heavy around the neck and is supported by a steel ball chain necklace. I especially love the stacked nickel and bronze ringlets wrapped around a solid steel pole that connects the ball chain to the pendant. This thing is just badass.

Josh and I have been up all night. After coming home from our date, I finished up some work for a client and he’s been gaming for most of the night. I could get used to this pace of life. No rushing, no demands, no deadlines- well…no serious ones.

Alas, as much as I love loafing around being a beach bum (sans the beach), I’m already working on a business model for a shop of my own. I won’t reveal it until it’s close to being finished, but I’m so excited with the direction I’m going in. I’ll be able to work from home and enjoy doing what I love to do. (And that’s all I’ll say about that.)

I’m off to heat up our leftovers. Tacos for breakfast!

My Final Day

And it’s called that because it’s my last day of my bachelor’s (in Psychology) program today, and I’m taking my last final exam in the morning. I can’t believe I’ve made it through! As I mentioned earlier, I’ll be graduating with honours and I’ve finally been fully inducted into the Society of Leadership and Success.

I’m so excited to be getting my life back. Everything feels SO GOOD right now and I’m beyond ecstatic. There’s a certain feeling a woman has after giving birth. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a feeling of indescribable triumph. As if she made it through death itself and escaped with her life.

Well that’s how I feel. 🙂

Anyway, I didn’t want to go on about all of that again. Just had to jot these feelings down while they’re here, because God knows that those dark clouds are just over the hill and they’ll be rolling in soon enough.

But today, it was beautiful. The sun was shining down and there was a golden-grey glow covering everything in sight, despite the cool rain falling down and splashing on me…

Lensbaby Composer/ f/ 5.6-Spring Mill Park
MJ

 

I Too am Boycotting Target

So Target has now begun allowing transgender individuals to enter into the restroom that they identify with by the gender of their choice, rather than biologically. Tough call, all the way around, and no matter what, somebody’s going to be offended. But what that means is that if a man begins to identify with feeling like a woman, he’ll be allowed to waltz right on into the women’s restroom- no questions asked. And vice versa for women.

I think a pretty simple solution would be to offer up a unisex bathroom for transgender individuals. That may seem course to some people, but heterosexual people have rights too. Heterosexual individuals have rights to feel safe in public restrooms. Not everybody is down with sharing a bathroom with the opposite sex, publicly.

I don’t have any issues with transgender individuals wanting special bathroom privileges. For them, they feel infringed upon being made to use the bathrooms that they’ve been forced to use all their lives. I can understand them not wanting to have to use the bathroom that they belong to “biologically”. And they have rights too. But that doesn’t mean that heterosexuals need to have their rights stripped away in the process!

This opens up the door for every sexual predator to have instant and immediate access to their victims. And that’s the problem I have with this whole thing. What about the rights of children? What about the rights of adolescents or tweens who are old enough to be in a bathroom without their parents, but not old (or strong) enough to fight off a sexual predator who has been given total access to the women’s restrooms? All they have to do is say that they identify with being a woman. Period. It’s that easy.

I watch a lot of crime shows, and have noticed a trend in many of these shows. For some reason, predators tend to prefer Target department stores, following women out to their cars and kidnapping them in broad daylight. Well now they will no longer have to. They can walk right into the women’s restrooms!

Way to go, Target.

Today I signed the boycott against Target stores, along with more than 375,000 other people, and am inviting any of you who read this to do the same.

You can sign the boycott against Target here. 

 

Regression

This is what my screen looks like at 5:25 a.m.:

Regression

Yep. Good ole linear regression. It’s the fun stuff I get to do in between bivariate correlations and my final exam.

Josh had me on lockdown- snoring a heap of Zzzz’s into my face- as I lay there listening to the early morning birds, thinking about…you guessed it: multiple regression and p values. I’m so impressed with my professor, Dr. Kraha. She’s brilliant, to say the least. She breaks everything down into very easy-to-understand concepts. And I love her voice. She’s without a doubt the best professor I’ve ever had and truth be told, I’m going to miss her!

She’s helped bring my grade from a C in Statistics (coming in to her class), to a strong A. Even now, I still have an A in her class and really have 1 assignment and my final exam to go. If I do well in those areas, I’ll maintain my A.

I have a 30 slide Power Point presentation on Darwin (with voiceover) as well as a 15 page research paper on the levels of anger in prisoners and their causes + a 5 page paper in Psych. of Personality- all due 3 days from now.

Sigh. My life..

Back to the grind!

Spring Fever

Cattails/Lensbaby Composer f/5.6- ISO 400
CattailsintheSpringMJ