Reflections: For Gav
Here’s another one for you, Gav. Helios 44-2 (one of my favourite lenses ever- imported from Romania)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 60 x 40 (customizable) Canvas/gallery wrap available for purchase here.
This is why I said your Puddle Tree reminded me of my work. 🙂 (And it does, no?) I get so inspired by dreary days and rain, don’t you?
And on that note, I’m up with the chickens today and will be taking a photo walk down by the tracks behind my place. There’s a creek and some interesting foliage and such; I’ll see what I can grab down there. (Check back later!) As always, thanks for always being such an inspiration in the world of black and white and to all other monochromejunkies such as (yourself and) me. 😉
Kittez
Bob shows off his new earrings- Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4
A Very Special Thank You to a Very Special (Extended) Family
I’m far too excited to sleep. I’ve only got 2 weeks left in the semester! I’ve been up for hours researching Master’s programs and trying to decide if I want to move away when I begin working on my PhD. That’ll be a few years from now but I’ve actually been thinking of moving much sooner. My kids are all grown and everybody’s on their own, pretty much, but I can’t leave my mother, so I’m sticking around this ole town. At least for a year or two more. (But it’s in the cards.)
The major hurdles are over this semester and I’ve only got my term paper on OCD to tighten up and two finals remaining. That’s reason to celebrate. 🙂 The mood around the house is jovial and I’m feeling packed full of love!
For anyone who may be reading this who has chosen to follow my blog and has offered your support over the weeks, months, and years, both emotionally and artistically, I want to take this time to thank you. I started out writing this blog so that my kids could have a piece of me when I’m gone. And, so perfect strangers might read my story (BIO) and see my pics and be inspired. I’ve had a lot of hard knocks in this world, but they’ve only served me. I like to tell people that the more cuts you have in your stone, the greater your shine, and that’s so true.
What’s started out as a lone walk through bloggie land (more than three years ago) has turned into me claiming several hundred of you as family, and you certainly are. You’ve supported me, held me together (stapled, tied and glued!), encouraged me when I was downtrodden, and made me laugh when I thought it impossible. I love all of you. ♥ Oh! And thanks a whole heap extra for encouraging me to hang in there when I wanted to quit school (a million times)!
Thank you guys- friends and strangers alike. Here are some flowers for you. 🙂 MUCH LOVE. xo And Oloriel, if you’re reading this, the 2nd pic is especially for you. I thought of you when I was editing it- it totally reminds me of you. :0)
Taken two days ago- Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 vintage film lens
(I’m totally in love with this rocking lens.)
One more thing. SAMI, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I MISS YOU VERY MUCH. I hope things are well, and I hope you’re still toughing out that journalism major! I also hope “other situations” are better too. I miss our many chats. Lots of love to you. X
Bedhead
Image may be purchased HERE
Stretched Canvas/Gallery Wrap
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film
So in love with black and white!
I’m so Damn Proud of My Kids
My son, Brian (AKA Bob Hedge) was walking along Eastern Blvd. today and encountered a woman who asked him for .89 cents for bus fare. He gave her $10. As he walked on, he saw a homeless man. He was compelled to give him $20, and so he did.
I couldn’t be more proud of my kids. 🙂 As a Mom, there’s nothing that could make me more proud than to know they’re giving $ to strangers on the streets. Being compassionate, loving, and thoughtful goes a long way in this world, and people who do these things are at the top of my list, always.
Rock on, guys! I love you. NAMASTE xo
Helios film lens 44-2/Canon Rebel- private retreat (bamboo forest in background)
Today I Fell in Love
Again!
This time, it was with the cherry blossoms outside of a church down the street from my Mom’s house:
I can’t explain what was happening when I was taking pics today. I felt high, literally. I’ve always been really drawn to these blossoms. When I’m underneath them and zooming in close and there are hundreds of them swirling all around my head in the breeze, it’s like a drug to me. The bokeh (blurry stuff in a pic) goes in and out of focus all around the blossoms when I see them through the lens- it’s a really heady experience.
And speaking of falling in love, I think it’s funny, that expression, “falling in love”. People generally mean with another person. But I was thinking today as I was driving, “Why do we have to fall in love with a person? Why can’t we fall in love with the sky? Or cherry blossoms?”
I’m betting just being around all of these blossoms (in the light drizzling rain) released loads of endorphins. I was smiling and felt like a kid again. So yeah. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with these blossoms today. 🙂
I also noticed when I was driving today that I don’t really think about Josh any more. Days go by and he won’t even cross my mind. I’m soooooo happy about that. It doesn’t hurt any more.
Yeah. I’ve been crazy happy lately. Not sure how long this is going to last, but it’s so good to be feeling ALIVE again.
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film
Three Weeks to Go!
Technically, there are 3 weeks left in the semester, but I can knock it out in two I think. I get the whole summer off! My brain always feels so tired when I’m at the finish line. I have a term paper to tighten up and submit, three more quizzes and two finals- that’s it. I’ll take a week down, more or less-when it’s over-, and do absolutely nothing, and then I’ll dive into my art/photography, as I do every summer.
I’ve been spending all of my free time with Virgil, who’s completely stolen my heart!
My baby, Virgil- Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon (film lens) 35/2.4
Somebody needs a bath…
Bathed in Light: Jesus’ Love
It’s 3:30 a.m. and I’m watching The Dark Crystal and thinking about nabbing another bowl of Pistachio Almond Ice cream. Party for one. 🙂
I’m in a particularly jovial mood- a bit celebratory. For weeks, I’d been super depressed- lost in the post-breakup haze that always accompanies splitting up with the mate. I knew I would have my bad days here or there, but I didn’t anticipate that it would be so bad. My heart was just wrecked.
Two days ago, in the twilight hours of pre-dawn, I fell on the bedroom floor and just wailed. I hadn’t let myself cry after Josh left (except for once) and finally, the damn burst; I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I cried and cried and prayed and really just got all of the ick out. I read Isaiah 26 (out loud) and really felt the Lord there in the room with me. After I anointed myself and finished reading the Bible, the cloud passed over me; I could feel it lifting physically, not just in my spirit, and afterwards I felt so light. The chains fell off of me and it’s been that way since. The heartbreak and sorrow were just too heavy for me and I knew that I wouldn’t make any type of progress until I let it all out, and let it all go.
So I did. It’s funny…to the hungry, desperate soul, even bitterness is sweet, and I was just soooo desperate to feel Jesus’ love. My heart has been restocked with sweet love and I feel a warm glow swimming around inside.
I have one of these too. >>>>>>> 🙂
Oh…and these little guys don’t hurt either:
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film lens/Canon Rebel
We have two new housemates! Our dog, Chance, is crazy about them: He gives them baths and is a great guard dog. Brianna named the male kitty Virgil (from Dante’s Inferno), and Brian named the female Do Re Mi Fa So La To Do, but we call her Doey for short.
They’re absolutely adorable and I’m madly in love with them.
(Time to hit the hay.)
Good night morning, world.
“With my soul have I desired thee in the night; yea, with my spirit within me will I seek thee early.” -Isaiah 26: 9
Early Morning Sunshine
The smile. (Sort of.) Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon film lens-35/2.4- selfie
I have no flaming idea how I’ve adopted (an all-natural) trout pout, but by George, there it is.
White Noise: The Blistering Silence
And lots and lots of rain. Taken today through my window: Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon (film) 35/2.4
On Ambien
…I love that moment when I’m sitting here (unlike a psycho stalker) reading up on the comments in strangers’ Twitter feeds, and suddenly- there’s a slow Vaseline haze that creeps up over my screen and my brain and everything else, and it’s like…”Oh hello, Ambien…”
…and then I float over to my bed and fall into a pile of magic silk..and simply…float away.
(Based on a true story. Right Now.)
Chasing Rabbits (and Big Dreams)
I read an article the other day in which a woman said, “A person who chases two rabbits at the same time catches neither in the end.” Thanks Taylor Swift.
It’s 4:10 a.m. and I’m just getting out of the shower. My head is throbbing again; I’m trying to stave off another migraine. I haven’t had a head-smasher in about 6 weeks- that’s a record for me! I ate en entire bag of Swedish Fish though and it’s trying to bite me in the ass: sugar is the enemy! (And I’m slightly addicted to Swedish Fish.)
I’m fresh out of Ambien; hence my insomnia. I was too lazy to go to the doctor, so…here I sit, editing pics and contemplating my future in the early wee morning hours! And on that note, I’m pretty sure I’m only 15 credit hours away from receiving my Bachelor’s in psychology. I have almost 100 credit hours so far; I’m pretty stoked about that. 🙂
I’ve decided that I’m going to try and get into Indiana University Southeast’s Master’s-to-PhD Clinical Psychology program in another year or so. Once I get my foot in the door- it’s a given- I’ll be in. So, it’s crucial that I keep my grades up because the competition in grad. schools is fierce! I’m going to have to really up my game when that time comes. Staying on the Dean’s List is very important. I raise the bar super high for myself so that if I don’t meet my standards and end up falling short, I’ll still succeed. And, I’m thinking about getting a dual Master’s degree- one in Clinical psychology and one in Social Work (M.S.W.); I’m going to need all of the extra tools in my bag that I can get. I’m betting that if I get a master’s degree in social work and a master’s in clinical psychology (minoring in forensic psych.) as well as my PhD in Clinical- I’ll be set. So, that’s what I’m aiming for. It’s ambitious as hell, but I’m an ambitious kinda gal.
In other news, I’m shocked (but not really) that Doggy Daddy hasn’t even requested to see his dog (or spend time with him) – not even once. 😦 It’s heart breaking. Who could walk away from a baby this cute?!
I really shouldn’t be surprised. Same thing, different year. On the other side of the coin though, it’s given Chance and I time to bond even more. I’ve had to fill in the gap and really make sure that he (my dog) isn’t suffering in Doggy Daddy’s absence. And, he’s not. But don’t let me get started on THAT.
Life has been super quiet lately. I can’t say I haven’t enjoyed the peace and quiet and the restoration of sanity in general. It hasn’t been easy! My heart is still raw and I’m still confused and bewildered that Josh and I aren’t even friends any more- we don’t speak. At all. It’s…very weird. But I suppose that’s how it has to be. I’m alright with it. As much as I want to divulge all sorts of juicy tidbits here, I’ll refrain. I don’t owe that man one more thing, but I do owe him the decency of not railing on him if he’s not here to defend himself. I’ll give him that.
Sometimes, it’s a struggle to find my peace and smile throughout the day. I wrestle to do that in the wake of such a hideous breakup. (Then again, it’s only been a little over a month since parting ways.) But I know that I’m capable of great love and great compassion. If I were to lose those two components within me, I’d be nothing. So those are the things that I strive to hold onto more than anything: my love and compassion for my fellow human being. Generally, that’s not hard for me to do, love. But breaking up with the love of your life has a way of destroying innocent things and feelings; it pollutes beauty, and in the end, can leave a thick, evil feeling in your heart. It can be a real battle just to breathe sweet air again- but thank God those feelings don’t last. For some people, they actually become those feelings, until they’re hateful rotten shells of their former selves.
But I know me, and I know my heart. I’ll come out of this a winner. Stronger in love for it. 🙂
I’m not quite there yet! But I will be. And I can still smile and feel like a child inside. That’s a precious thing to me. Life is still sweet. ♥
Spring break is officially over and I have to get started soon on my 7 page term paper/literature review on OCD.
Short term goal: finishing my term paper
Long term goal: becoming a doctor/psychologist
One day at a time.
Making the Grades
So my midterm results are in:
Behavioral Neuroscience exam: 233/250
Cognitive Psychology exam: 142/160
Overall results: two strong A’s in both classes.
Go me! Go me! And today is the first day of spring break. I’m alright with that.
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4/ film lens Ohio River Construction- down by the riverside
Specimen
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon (film) 35/2.4/bedroom lamp
Pressure Cooker Squared
I’ve got until Sunday to cover 400 pages- midterms. [Insert scream here!]
Midterms (and finals) are always so much freaking pressure! I’m still at a B+ in Behavioral Neuroscience and a strong A in Cognitive Psychology, but any ole way you slice it- midterms are crazy. I find myself using straight up avoidance (which is actually worse than denial, because at least with denial, you’re not always aware that you’re in denial, but with avoidance, it’s sort of like knowing you’re in denial and choosing to do so anyway- and yes, I’m aware that I’m starting to sound like a psychologist!) and so it’s Friday night and I’m down to the wire.
What am I doing? Installing Still Life II. I actually get to be the detective and the abducted person who’s trapped in the psycho serial killer’s booby trap-laden house (think : “Saw”).
Avoidance. Utter, blatant avoidance.
But fun! 🙂
And this is for you, Gav. I know you’ve been down lately, and you’re not feeling much inspired, but I want you to know just how much you inspire me. I have so much respect for you because over the past 8 years or so that I’ve known you (originally from Redbubble) but here too these past few years, you go out – day after day- and shoot nothing but black and white/monochrome. Street scenes, people- life. And, you have a prominent talent with shadows and lighting- which I love. I’ve only shared this with one other person, but I’ve decided to devote an entire year- all of 2015- to solely black and white/monochromatic photography. No colour allowed! For an entire year. it’s going to be great. 🙂 So, while you feel “blah” lately, please know that your work and talent continues to inspire others. This is for you:
Semi-pano/old military factory in my town- Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.5 film- FRIGID COLD- love ya, buddy! x p.s. Congratz on your show/exhibition last month!
I Hate the Word “Feminist”
I’ve been reading a boatload of crap lately, online. A lot of what I’m reading are women who claim to be “feminists” but yet, they’re the very people who are perpetuating gender inequality!
Take for example the multi-billion dollar cosmetic industries: Maybeline, Cover Girl, Max Factor. The majority of the people I see who claim to be staunch feminists are caked in heavy make-up, but yet they say that they want to be treated with the same respect as men. (And stuff.) If you really want to be treated like a man, or- at least be in the same ball park– ditch the heavy make-up. (Heavy is the key word here.) At least to a high degree- for starters. And, go au naturale in the shaving department. Yep. Believe me…you’ll be treated like a man!
And while we’re on the subject…using words like “feminist” is sexist.
It kind of defeats the whole purpose of “being treated equally”, doesn’t it? I mean, there’s no equal male counterpart for the word. At all. Masculist? Masculinist? Interesting.
So, as long as we continue favouring, preferring, and using strong words like “feminism”, especially in 2015- I don’t think we can expect to be treated anything differently than “just a woman”.
I can back my talk up, by the way. I neither shave my legs nor wear more than blush and sheer lipgloss. I may end up going “full commando” at some point (and by that I mean, ditching the lipgloss and blush altogether- but don’t count on it) but I feel it’s so minimal that it doesn’t hinder me at all in feeling “natural”.
While it seems like I’m slamming “feminists”, I’m really not. I just hate the word. I hate that we, as females, have to even use a word so that we can “feel equal”. I say we destroy the word altogether and be independent agents– representing our souls and spirits and inner beauty– not our genders. As long as we’re “pointing out that there’s an elephant in the room”- there’s going to be an elephant in the room.
My 2 cents.
Rant out- on to the midterms!
And on that note, here’s a self portrait- caked in heavy makeup for the camera. 🙂 Circa: 2007
Cut & Dried
Dried flower stems in a small vase. Simple. Beautiful.
Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film lens/Canon Rebel XSI. (Taken yesterday) 3.9.15
A Salute to the Broken-Hearted
This is for you, whoever you are. You, who have been destroyed by “the one who loved you”. I too have been destroyed- not by love, but by hate. Because the one that I loved used me, abused me, and in the end- discarded me as rubbish.
Me! Of all people. It’s true.
This is proof that even the strong become weak in the race of love. You can only hope that you can hobble your way to a shaded tree in the end, and take refuge.
I was destroyed by a man who I gave my heart to. And he toyed with me. Like a cat.
With porn.
With hate.
With rage.
With pay-backs.
With more porn.
With stalking me.
With even MORE porn.
He betrayed me to the depths.
In the end, he destroyed me.
The worst of all, is that he believes that it is I who destroyed him.
Ahh…but isn’t that how it goes?
So I’m moving on. I write this to say, whoever you are, that I too know what it’s like to be utterly destroyed by a man, or “significant other” who you believe shelters your heart- like no other.
It’s a lie.
And on that note, I take my leave. I’m devastated, shattered, and in a million pieces on the floor.
No doubt I’ll be back! Someday, when I’m whole again.
Until then, I’m MIA.
Grey days are here again. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4- bedroom window. 3.1.15
The Big Smoke
My beautiful son, Brian, drinking in the smoke. Carl Zeiss Jena Flektogon 35/2.4 film/Canon Rebel XSI
m o n o c h r o m e j u n k i e † 