Early Morning Speakeasy
“Third Base” biker bar- early Sunday morning drive-by/50 MM natural lighting/manual
There’s something about typing late at night that’s so very gratifying. Maybe it’s the “me time”, I don’t know. Josh is sitting beside me and everything in life has fallen back into place. It’s funny how that goes; all of the “normal everyday things” that one simply expects to be there over time are there, and they’re very small things not even worth mentioning. But take those little “connectors” away- those small unmentionables and it shakes the very foundation of all that is solid in your life. This proves to me that it IS the little things that are most important to me. When they’re gone- everything changes down to the very way you perceive the world to be. When Josh and I are tight, as we are now- the world is “doable”. I’m careful to give him his space and am even suggesting he get a shed so he can have a bit of a man-cave going on. (Guys need a “safe place” to go where there are no women. It’s funny to think about, but it’s so very true. I support him in those endeavors fully.)
The construction trailer outside didn’t work out so well. The new management approached us and gave us a 2 hour warning to move it or lose it. They had already called the police and a tow truck. We were in a bit of a jam, but that’s when I’m at my best, not surprisingly. Maybe it’s all of those McGuyver episodes (or the hundreds of adventure games I’ve played over the years) but I like to get creative and resourceful with practically nothing. We called the Uhaul facility- they had no trucks with a hitch at the moment. After several other phone calls, we were able to find a guy that hauled it away to storage at the drop of a dime. Josh would have lost his trailer for good- it would have just been too expensive to try and retrieve it. Darn it. That means he’ll have to actually stay INSIDE here with me. (I’ll try to not be disappointed.)
I wonder what Josh thinks about me sitting here typing all of our business to the world. 🙂 He’s a good sport.
We have to be up at 8 in the morning- there just aren’t enough hours in the day! Josh is getting ready to start his semester also- I love it when we’re both in school at the same time. He’s working on General Studies for now but he’s considering moving in the direction of Physics. (He and his sister are both terribly smart.)
I have a Health Psychology assignment to do first thing when I get up and after that, a Public Speaking assignment + 25 more pre-calculus problems and that’s all before 10:00 a.m.! Life is a blur.
But at least I’m using exclamation points again so hey- it’s not all bad.
🙂
And smiley faces.
xo
Intermission
Taking a break from the schoolwork.
Jeffersonville Marina- early this morning in the fog.
Lensbaby Composer/Double Glass/ f/4/ISO 100
Up with the Chickens
Ohio River/foggy morning/Lensbaby Composer/Double Glass f/4- natural lighting/5.19.13
I awoke this morning to find our home enshrouded in thick fog. How could I not go out and grab a few shots? I drove down to the local marina with a fresh cup of coffee. I have plans today to do one lesson in each course: Public Speaking, Earth Science, and Health Psychology (no small feat), but when I put my mind to something, I don’t let go.
Mornings like these are my favourites: the world is so still- everybody’s sleeping and completely unaware of the fog. For the past several days, I’ve been getting up early and hitting my PC and BS- that’s not short for computer and “BS” – it’s short for “prayer closet and Bible study”. When I start my days with these things and in this order, everything falls into the right places in my day. My mind is renewed, as is my faith, strength, and hope- challenges become “doable” and I have a promise of success already- I just need to do the work.
When I was praying this morning, I felt the Lord wrap his arms around me and give me a big hug. I know that I’m loved, terrifically; I don’t worry about things.
So I’m off to put a huge dent in my schoolwork.
It’s going to be a beautiful day. :0)
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Tibbers: Our Newest Family Addition
Bob’s friend, Justin, came to stay the other night and brought over his little friend, Tibbers. (Aka Fuzzy Lumpkins, and Esper.) He’s only three weeks old and was abandoned in Alabama. Justin’s mom brought him back with her and now he belongs to us.
Josh fed him this morning from a plastic bag with a tiny hole poked in it then gave him a bath. (I’m convinced he’s the cutest kitty in the world.)
Lensbaby Composer/ Double Glass/ f/4- ISO 800/natural lighting
Insomnia
I can’t believe I’m still up at 1:46 a.m.
The house is pretty quiet; Brian Bob is hanging out in his room with is friends, Brianna is sleeping. Josh is in the living room occupying himself and I’m getting ready to fall out of my chair. There is no way I’m getting up at 6 in the morning.
We went down to the river today so I could grab some coloured water shots with my Lensbaby. Try as I might, I can’t get away from shooting in monochrome. The pics that I do shoot in colour don’t stay coloured for long. Everything is prettier to me in black and white (and duotoned). I’m deviating back to my old ways of darker moods, heavier shadows, and dramatic lighting but I love it.
Bob and Josh are chopping up watermelon now. Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. (Technically, it still is, though he is in heaven.) I’m seriously downplaying the craziness that has become my life lately. My mom was hospitalized- near stroke- really, the list is way too long to name. If I were to write about every crazy (weird, sad, bad) thing that happens to me, I swear people would think I’m making it up. Nobody goes through this much crap in one lifetime!
Yes, somebody does.
I know I’m not the only one.
“I think I’m going to do it,” Brianna said to me earlier.
“Do what?”
“Kill myself.”
“Why do you talk like that? What’s wrong with you?”
[She went on to explain that Anthem Bluecross Blue Shield had interrogated her on the phone and I suddenly understood why she felt that way.]
“Why don’t you grow some nads and take it like the rest of us?”
This is our typical mother and daughter bonding. She tells me how bad life is, I tell her that it only gets worse. We have grown on each other over the years, she and I, like an old married couple.
“Brianna, you’re an old curmudgeon and you’re only 18,” I say.
She looks at me as if I’m a robot. She looks as if she’s a robot. She doesn’t blink or show any emotion. I laugh.
“Give it another twenty years, Sissy,” I say to her. “The party’s just getting started.”
Bob is dancing and humming as he eats his watermelon. He shifts his feet sideways almost mechanically. It’s 2:04. Time to hit the hay and do it all over again tomorrow.
Lensbaby Composer/Falls of the Ohio
f/4-ISO 400
Josh, gazing at the dam
S P L A S H
Lensbaby Composer/Double Glass
f/2.8 -natural lighting/ISO 100
sh. sp. – 1/4000/Falls of the Ohio
5.15.13
I may or may not be showing several of my water pieces in a “water exhibit” soon. (More on that later.) For now, it’s hush-hush.
I went out today down to the Falls of the Ohio (which I actually named “Fossil Rock” when I was a child, 30+ years ago) and grabbed some water shots with the Lensbaby. Although I’m not exactly a novice with this particular lens, I’d be a fool to be so comfortable to think that I don’t have much room to improve. And, truth be told, the more I learn in photography, the more I feel that I need to learn. I’m always restless and, artistically, never satisfied- always pushing to grow and learn new things. Years ago, I had considered going to art school. I’m glad I chose to study Behavioral Sciences instead. With art (and photography in particular), the world is my teacher, the camera is my canvas, and lighting is my brush.
Josh and I are headed back out to the dam area. The (possible) exhibit allows only 3 pieces to show. It’s a juried exhibition- I’m excited. (But again, more on that later. It’s not quite “in the bag”.) I can rap off 500 shots in under an hour, and I do that frequently. Selecting only three pieces from a day’s shoot of thousands of pics is like trying to find a flea on a mountain.
I’ve also been invited to show several pieces in a Berlin exhibition. (Yeah- that Berlin!)
Again, it’s a juried exhibition and I want to do it, but I have to be selected first: it’s a bit if a waiting game. I’m still pretty behind in some of my classes and I’ll really need to put my nose to the grind because the exhibition deadlines are within the next week. Time to set my alarm to 6:00 a.m. every morning!
Off and running…
Sanity Restored
It’s 4:52 a.m. and I’m typing very quietly so I don’t wake Josh. The past 24 hours have been astronomically crazy. I can’t get into the intricate details because a lot of it has to do with his family members, and for confidentiality sake, I can’t divulge that information.
But I can say that the police showed up at my door, having received a report that Josh was a “missing person” (yeah, from me too lately!) and I discovered that it was a concerned relative who hadn’t heard from him in a while that had reported him. Things are straightened out now, but boy-wasn’t that fun?
And on that note, I’m so very happy today. Josh and I have restored our closeness and our bond. I have a big, goofy grin on my face- I have my BFF back! I was a complete and utter mess without him. When relationships break down, it’s common to paint oneself in a positive light and make the other person out to be the villain. I did the same thing at first- I wanted to blame him for everything that had gone wrong. It took many days of agony, silence, tears, and absolute heartbreak to see how wrong I was in my own faults and failures. I was angry and always picking at him. I treated him so unfairly (I hear him snoring so I can type louder) really, I did. No man can live under a woman’s tyrannical thumb: it had become unbearable between us. The split did us both some good. He had moved in with friends and on the positive side, had started going to church and stuff. On the negative side, he was being monitored heavily by his friend’s wife who was a boarding type of landlord who controlled what he watched on TV even down to how he dressed- um, that’s taking “tyrannical” to a whole ‘nother level and in the end, he felt as if he were a foster kid all over again. She thought she was helping him really, but he’s had enough of people in his life telling him what he does and doesn’t need to do.
I want him to have his own space and so we’ll be setting up a small construction trailer on the property here so he can have his own area- I feel strongly that he needs that- apart from me even- his own “home” with a door that he can lock and have his privacy. He’s never had that! He’s always lived with people and been under their rules, including me, and I’ve always been very protective of him in his life- he’s been through the wringer- so it’s high time he have his own place to call home in this world. I’m happy for him. :0) He’s happy too.
Neither of us want to jump right back into the relationship we were in, because it was a damaged and broken relationship. It does neither party any good when you hook back up and “pick up where you left off”- especially if that was a bad place. But Josh and I have the unique ability to shape ourselves around each others’ feelings, needs, and sensitivities and above all- remain friends, no matter what. So, if we have a bit of a breakdown in our friendship/relationship, when we do reunite, it’s with a whole new respect and appreciation for one another.
It’s been a long day and I’m going to hit the hay. We have to move much of his stuff to his new place and I’m wiped out. I love this picture of Josh that I took out at Pounds Hollow Lake in Southern Illinois from our recent camping trip. Seldom have I seen him look so naturally happy such as he was here. It’s one of my favourite pics of him. xo
Josh/50 MM/Southern Illinois/Pounds Hollow/Rim Rock Trail/Camping trip
Home Depot and the Illuminati
Brianna/50 MM 1.8 II/natural lighting/manual
“You’re seriously not going to go out there like that, right?” I asked my daughter, Brianna.
“Of course,” she said.
“Um…with that…Illuminati symbol? Seriously?”
Oh boy.
She smiled. I laughed. And then I left her alone.
This is Southern Indiana; it may as well be the deep South. Rednecks and hillbillies are thick around here. I quickly put things into proper perspective: she has every right to wear whatever she wants on her face, head, or any other body part. The fact that I disagree is really not the point: I need to respect her choices.
So we headed out to the Home Depot, and short of being lynched, publicly, it went well! There are lots of pot-bellied guys in suspenders there- “good ole boys” who like traditional things and people that just don’t push envelopes or stretch boundaries. Ha. My little family is exceptionally good at that and I’m so proud of my kids.
The looks she got by “the good ole boys” at the Home Depot were shocking (and, hilarious). Brianna walked straight forward with a dedicated gait and didn’t flinch. She didn’t look to see what others thought or if they even looked at her. I gained a new respect for her that day. I still don’t like the Illumnati symbol (at all) but certainly appreciate a person who stands his or her ground and challenges others to bend their perspectives- to break out of their stagnant mindsets and breathe new air- even if that air is foreign and seemingly “threatening”.
I remember well what one of my best friends (of 8 or so years) said to me once over the IM. I’m a Christian- he’s an Athiest- and we were alright to “go there” with each other. Not always- but we didn’t shy away from the subject ever. We liked to know what made the other tick and why we chose to believe what we did, so we often prodded and poked, respectfully.
“Well, you, being an unbeliever…da da da…” I said, foolishly.
“I’m not an unbeliever,” he said. “I just don’t believe the same things you do.”
To this day, that’s one of the most riveting things anybody has ever said to me. Profound even. For six years or so, he and I were so very close. I think of him often and love him dearly. He remains an Athiest and I remain a Christian- but we had a unique understanding and respect for one another. He remains one of my favourite people ever.
It’s too late to be rambling on about the Illuminati and Home Depot and rednecks and stuff. I have to be up early in the morning. I need to go do loads of schoolwork watch Dual Survivor while I eat roasted chicken.
Ta ra.
Gargoyles and Other Distractors
I grew tired of being afraid of the gargoyles on Spring street. Maybe “afraid” isn’t the right word; intimidated is closer to how they make me feel. I’ve seen those gargoyles there (at Industrial Nightmare– a haunted house attraction) for the better part of a decade and I’ve looked away every time I see them. They’re hideous. Lately, because I’ve been a bleeding wound from the breakdown of my relationship with J- it’s made everything seem worse than it actually is. Red lights seem longer, curious and inquisitive glances seem harsh and judgmental, time drags on painfully.
As I was driving by today, I saw the gargoyles. I practiced exposure therapy on myself- and it worked! I got out of my car, camera in hand (Lensbaby attached), put on my hazard lights, got out of my car and walked out into the street (yes, actually in the street) and stood below the gargoyle. I studied it briefly then fired off a round of shots. (I reasoned with myself: I’m not afraid to go into abandoned houses, quite the contrary- I love the “ache” that fills the gutted-out space and the stories they sometimes tell. I feel right at home in an abandoned house so there’s no reason why a gargoyle should intimidate me.)
Perhaps the truth is that I see a bit of my own nature in this creature:
When I hurt like I’ve hurt this past month without Josh- the world seems colder. I was alright to simply die inside and I really didn’t care much any more. Love is a funny thing: with a bit of it tucked safely in your pocket, you can take on the world. Without it- it’s a chore to breathe.
Josh came by today. We went for a walk across the creek and up over the train tracks. I was so happy to see him! All of the blame and accusations that have been gnawing out my heart melted away and I became very aware of my own fragility: I had taken him for granted and it really is that simple. This is something that can only be realized after the fact; when all of the chaos has died down and words have ceased and there’s only the echo of your thoughts to contend with.
I came across this picture today:
Happiness was so easy back then! Was that really only eight months ago?
Time can seem so cruel.
I’ve been lost in a sea of pain, but there’s a new layer to me that I felt earlier, as I was folding the clothes: a quiet strength that I never knew I possessed. My strength has always been as loud as thunder- very present and very obvious. This came in a whisper and it said, “This is the way things are now. Pick yourself up and carry on.”
“Your absence is so loud,” I said to Josh.
He held me for a moment. It was enough.
Lensbaby Composer/Double Glass Ops./shot in monochrome/5.8.13/natural lighting/manual- taken on my walk along the creek
Silent Days
50 MM 1.8 II/natural lighting/manual/shot in monochrome
Southern Illinois
I’m so tired of being the only one fighting for this.
And I’m so tired of being thrown away every time my BFF wants to get high. He never comes over on his own. Why would he want to come and see me or hang out with me? I don’t “get high”.
Knowing that I lost my man to porn (again) was a wicked dose of salt right to the eye.
I dealt with it the best that I could (and am quite certain that I haven’t even really begun to deal with it- it’s just way too painful), but I’m no match for his “weed buddies”. I hate losing. But even more, I hate that he’s not fighting for our friendship. At all.
He’d rather be high and “hanging out with the boys”. How juvenile.
It bites the big one.
I should probably get it over with and shoot this horse.
What am I even holding on to at this point?
Maybe I need a new BFF.
Black and White
I’m thinking about setting my camera to monochrome and not shooting in colour (or allowing myself to) for one whole year. I know it sounds crazy but that’s the kind of thing I like to do. When I look out into the world, I see in black and white. I see lighting mostly- shadows and ranges of exposure- tonal ranges. I can stare off in a room full of people and be in my own little world (I’m sure it looks like I’m deep in thought) but really, I’m converting a branch, a table, a moving mouth into monochrome and watching the shadows and lighting change places in my mind.
This is what my creative eye is doing no matter where I go or who I’m with and I rarely deviate. When I went to Southern Illinois with Josh, he wanted to fish, so he fished; but I wanted nothing more than to run up into the hills with my camera. Blossoms were opening up everywhere and colour was shooting to life all around me but the most beautiful thing I saw was a stark branch, unadorned and unassuming.
I painted it black and white in my mind and it was so very beautiful. I gave it a pretty pink coat in Photoshop, but I shot it in monochrome in natural lighting- all manual, naturally.
I call it simply:
Blush
I love the dancing bokeh in the background.
Specs: 50 MM 1.8 II/manual focus/manual exposure/natural lighting
Shot in monochrome/Canon Rebel T3i/Sh. sp.: 1/800th sec
F/ 1.8/ISO 100
I was inspired by the cranberry hue after seeing my friend, Ingz, from Redbubble (THE most amazing fine art site in the world- don’t waste your time at Fine Art America/FAA) do the same in one of her pieces. She’s an amazing artist- so clean and elegant. I’m expecting some new equiptment soon- particularly another Lensbaby and this time, it’s coming with the pinhole/zone plate. I could just cry. :0) (Thanks again for all of your prayers in that department, Soul Walker. XO)
Maybe I’ll accept my own monochrome challenge.
(We’ll see.)
Rainbows
Rim Rock Trail/Pounds Hollow/Southern Illinois/50 MM 1.8/natural lighting/manual
Something really funny happened in Illinois while on vacation. It’s been happening more and more lately and I can’t explain it. I was walking up a set of stairs that ascended into (what looked like total Utopia) a plateau; it looked like Eden it was so beautiful. I took a step, inhaled deeply, looked up, smiled and as I took my next step (snapping pics along the way) a rainbow formed right in front of me. There was no rainbow there previously or afterwards. It lasted less than two seconds and in the blink of an eye it was gone. I’ve been a photographer for close to a decade. I’ve taken hundreds of thousands of pictures and most of them have been in all manual. I know lighting and exposure better than my own skin and can explain away lens flares and apparition-like smudges with a sound, technological explanation. The rainbows? They’re very real. This has happened to me at least five times over the past few months and it’s always been when I’m out somewhere communing with God. It’s like He’s giving me a hug and it’s the most amazing thing ever because it’s so candid and unexpected. I know what my eyes see in every scene and I can manipulate my scenes to look any way I want via the aperture and shutter speed, ISO, etc. But I can’t insert rainbows into the frame with the flip of the wrist or camera-trickery. It’s a very special thing lately!
I took a quick selfie earlier because the light in the kitchen was so bright and I knew it would make a good high keyed shot where my facial features would fade out into the light and appear minimal. (I don’t consider this “good photography” by any means but experimental.) I didn’t alter the hues of my eyes at all- just kicked up the sat. a bit; the colours are real though. I’ve never noticed that I have rainbow coloured eyes- every colour of the spectrum can be seen in them. This too is a new thing as my eyes have always been “just green”. But lately, there’s a deep, red fire burning right in the center of them…
Trees. Water. Sun. Cabin. Exhale.
My daughter-Brianna/Deam Lake/50 MM/natural lighting/manual exposure/manual focus
I’ve managed to book my favourite cabin in the world: “Coyote Hollow”. It’s a charming place tucked away in the heart of the Shawnee National Forest- located conveniently just around the corner from the Garden of the Gods in Southern Illinois. It comes with an oversized screened in porch, firepit, rocking chairs, ready-to-go grill, large private yard and surrounding woods- a fully equipped kitchenette; it’s your standard luxury cabin in the woods. (DVD player and popcorn already there and waiting.)
I’m so overdue for a “mid-week getaway”. I’m looking forward to it even more because Josh will be going with me. [Insert big grin here] Although we’re no longer “together”, we still enjoy each other’s company. Besides, he’s the best model a girl could ask for. He just looks good on film. 🙂
I was prepared to go alone (and was actually looking forward to it) but dang it- I need somebody to build the fire while I pour the wine!
We’re bringing fishing poles too and I’m completely expecting utter mayhem. What the hell could go wrong out in the middle of nowhere with fishing poles?! You’d be surprised. My life is nothing short of a circus, and I’m hoping that it’s the most hum drum, uneventful time of my life. I need utter stagnation for a while.
I’ll be gone until Saturday and I have a feeling that I’ll be coming back with a few stories to tell…
(but let’s hope not.)
Hasta la vista.
Bovine and Wife Swap
Zimmerman Rd./Charlestown, Indiana/50 MM/natural lighting/manual exposure/manual focus/Canon- country cruise with Brianna/4.18.13
I spoke with my adviser today; I’ve discovered that I’m only three classes away from my Behavioral Sciences degree. I’m simultaneously certifying in Substance Abuse so that’s four classes total for both. I could either take them over the summer and graduate this fall (which is right up there with a death wish) or stick my toes in the sand throughout July and early August, complete my studies in the fall, and then graduate in December or early January. There’s no question that I’m going to do the latter.
Afterwards, I’ll be transferring immediately over to Columbia University (Distance Ed.) in Missouri and working toward my bachelor’s in Sociology. My three prime areas of interest are Sociology, Psychology, and Criminal Justice. I’ve decided on Sociology because I’m semi-obsessed with social stratum (doesn’t that sound fancy?), various ethnic groups, social habits and other lifestyles indigenous to natives (but not quite Anthropology), longitudinal studies and change; but I also crave the research side of it all (quantitative and qualitative analyses and so on), surveying, and field studies.
I like preparing reports and writing too. In short, Sociology is where my heart is and I want to get my hands very dirty in that area. I think my camera will come in handy there, being a photographer and all.
My classes for my final semester are these:
Intro to Criminology (my free elective)
Intro to Social Psychology (my remaining science core )
Lifetime Fitness and Wellness (in which I’ll need to hire a personal trainer as it’s proctored)
Therapeutic Interventions II (Substance Abuse internship)
That’s a hefty little sandwich, but I’m looking forward to it. I have no idea how that’s going to work out with the head pain, but I’ll power through it, no doubt. Speaking of which, I’m off to cook supper (bovine, in fact) and catch an episode of Wife Swap.
My New Man
Aka: Einstein
I adore Einstein. And so, I redecorated my living room wall. It’s my “happy place”. I drink tea there, watch “Chopped” there, (study there) and really, just stare off at the pretty colours and lament that Einstein is dead.
He was a good one.
I’ve decided that after I graduate (later this year, or perhaps as early as 2014) I’m interested in transferring over to a B.A. in Sociology. I entertained the notion of a B.A. in Criminal Justice, and I think I’d make an excellent parole officer, but my heart is in sociology. Plus, I’d like to travel extensively. We’ll see how that works out.
I’ve decided to learn Swahili. Why? Because I’ve been overwhelmed lately. When I’m overwhelmed, I don’t like to taper down. Rather, I jack it up. I study something new or hone my skills in a new craft, talent, or ambition (such as gourmet cooking, a musical instrument, or new medium in art) and I can’t think of anything that I want to do more right now than learn Swahili.
Ok. I can think of about nine other things. But Swahili is pretty high on the list. Besides, I have dreams of going to Africa one day and volunteering some time in an orphanage or two. I can choose to be lazy and let somebody interpret our communications, or actually learn Swahili. I choose the latter.
There are a few “eligible bachelors” who are doing very well for themselves who have let me know that they’re interested in me. But I would have to completely put my dreams and ambitions on the back burner, yet again, to foster my energies on somebody else and darn it- I’m just not going to do that.
Sorry, gentlemen. I am OFF the market.
I’m going to learn Swahili and travel and make a CD of my songs and do all sorts of things that I’ve never done before. Now I’m off to study for an exam in metamorphic rocks and make Swedish meatballs just for me.
Air kisses dahling…
Deeply
Love breaks through…
I can hardly believe the dramatic changes that have happened to me since I last posted. Doggy Daddy Josh made good on his repayment, and I’ve been able to pay (almost) everything off so that we’re at least back up to “barely struggling”. The stress is rolling away.
My oldest daughter returned to Bloomington- her visit was literally life-changing for me. She taught me how to meditate! I have no idea why it’s taken me so long to put such an easy practice into practice, but we had some down time at the Ohio River among the driftwood and sandy beach area. I took my school books with me (and actually read that day) but I decided to try the meditation then. I sat down in a sandy area- munchies, purse, and all of my necessities surrounding me- and sat straight up in Indian style, closed my eyes, purposefully oxidizing and forcing the air in and out through methodical, slow breathing, and pushed everything out of my mind. It’s not the same thing as burying it. I know that we (as people) have the power and ability to accept messages, both positive and negative (also known as encoding); therefore I know that we have the same ability to release them. So that is what I did.
J and I have made peace with each other completely and really fought for our friendship. Over the years, our relationships with each other have swelled and shrunk and swelled (and shrunk) again from new acquaintances, to very good friends, to fiancés, back to very good friends, distant friends, best friends, “life partners” sharing an existence and cohabitating, distant friends again, best friends again- we have learned to transmutate in and out of each other and morph into and apart from each other quickly, like water. Through it all, we’ve remained friends. I will never have eyes for anybody else, and if it were to happen, a house would have to fall on me.
That said, I’m very much enjoying my newly liberated status, and my space! I’m fiercely private (and have never even been on Skype, although several of my friends are putting serious heat on me in that area from across the pond) but I don’t get much down time these days, and when I do- I write and sing songs.
God has poured no less than 12 new songs into me over the past two months. It’s always been that way with me: the darker my days, the better and more frequent my songs. And, it’s not uncommon for us artists to bleed out our pain and sorrows. It makes for bubblier personalities! But it’s my way.
I want so much to just work on a CD; all original material- my songs in Drop D (acoustic/electric guitar and the piano) but I absolutely must power through and finish up my degree in Behavioral Sciences first. I remember what Sharon Osbourne said on TV once. She was advising a group of women to harness their attention, energy, and focus on one thing, and to devote their drive toward that one thing. Otherwise, she would be all over the place and perhaps spread herself out too thin. I think on that always.
But still, I have a scream in me- my new songs are coming out of my ears! I’ve recorded small bursts of HD video when a new song hits me and file it away. I have about 15, although I’ve written around 50 over the past 7 years or so. I’ll pull them up after the semester’s over and select only one to lay down on a 4 track and then polish it up. (And so on and so forth.)
Josh asked me if I’d like to work on a CD together: I’m down with that. 🙂
I love that man and I can’t deny it. Still, I’m learning to approach my environment and stressful situations from a scientific perspective, rather than an emotional one. This is something I’m learning to do through my studies. It’s alright to shut everything down emotionally- temporarily– and navigate through those ferocious waters, as long as they’re dissected and processed afterwards when it’s “safe” to do so. Even if it’s days later, that’s ok, as long as it gets done.
My daughter, Heidi, shared something with me several years ago that was again life-changing for me. She told me that we don’t always have the necessary tools to go back through our pasts and dig up “old bones” as it were. We might dig up years worth of buried things and not be able to reassemble them, she said. I never forgot that. She has helped me so very much, and I do have to give Brian and Brianna much credit too. Brian Bob has come to me over the years with wisdom beyond his own years, and poured his healing balm over my heart. Brianna has shot me between the eyes with a poker face with hard truths that I’ve needed to hear- that girl can really let you have it! But still respectfully. Heidi is the “light bringer” of sorts. I’m so grateful and humbled by her endless search for truth and love and for sharing with me what she gathers along the way.
Heidi, exhibiting an impressive form.
I’m convinced that I have the best kids in the world. But doesn’t every mom think that?
More good news!
I found out that all of my classes are actually open enrollment and I “accidentally” started school one month earlier than my classmates. Hence, my posting now to my blog. :0)
After paying $1,800 worth of very pregnant bills, I’ll have only $500 or so left. I have waited 27 years to buy a professional microphone so that I can record high quality songs. The same can be said for an electric stage piano, and Washburn acoustic electric guitar- I’m waiting no longer. I’ve placed an order for all of them and I am crazy with excitement! The microphone I bought (and has already shipped) is a Yeti (Blue Microphones) USB mic- silver edition. [You can click on the link to view it.] It’s a gorgeous mic! I also put an order in for this: Nady pop filter. Things are slowly coming together in the music department.
Josh is an amazing musician: his talent shines in rhythm (D&B) but especially rhythm guitar. He has a soulful, bluesy wail that hits you right in the heart when he sings. I’ll be working with him in vocal training- I’ve been a singer since I was 6 perhaps? “Perfect pitch” they call it, but these days I am so very rusty. Singing comes naturally for Heidi and me- we don’t have to try hard- it just flows out of us, but she truly takes it to a whole ‘nother level. The girl is phenomenal.
I’ll be broke again before I know it, but heck- the bills are paid (mostly) and my car has gas in it. I can’t complain.
There’s a dove serenading me outside of my window. It sings for me every morning. I think maybe I’m just eavesdropping. I received this email this morning; it put a big smile on my face:
Dear Birgitta,
I love your Hallelujah song on Divine Office…What beautiful melody, voice, lyrics!
Please send me the mp3 so I may share with my women’s bible study.
Thank you and God bless,
[Name omitted for confidentiality]
Oh- oh…and more good news!
I donated a copy of my children’s book Peanut Butter Soup to my local library. My friend who works there is putting it into circulation. But also, upon donating it, she invited me to join her book club in which she features local authors. I was delighted and happy to accept.
I cherish my dark hours because they bring me closer to God. But I absolutely love bathing in the Light. Today I am deeply grateful and deeply happy.
Adieu (Part II)
Ohio River/50 MM/natural lighting/manual exposure/manual focus/shot in monochrome/4.5.13
I was entranced by the lighting surrounding this trash bag. It made me think: some people would see a trash bag that was snagged on a tree and perhaps keep walking. When I saw it, my eye immediately (and involuntarily) converted it to monochrome/black and white. This happens a lot. I think it’s because I grew up watching the Twilight Zone in B&W -which I love- and Alfred Hitchcock, but also, a good many shows were still in black and white in the 70’s. I found myself studying shadows and highlights, lighting, tonal ranges, the way shadows moved- cinematic perspectives and such. When I look out at the world, shadows, lines, and geometric patterns are the first things I see, and then I see people. I don’t think that’s an entirely bad thing. Art never leaves me, and it never sleeps.
I’ve decided that I’m going to use my blog as an incentive for getting schoolwork done. I’m an excellent student, and only a few points away from the Dean’s list. (I’m already a Phi Theta Kappa member for life, having been inducted at Ivy Tech Community College when I was a med. student 20 years ago. Four A’s and one B- that crap wasn’t easy!) But I’ve been so distracted by rogue family members and their perpetual witch-hunt, the dissolution of a seven year “life partner” union (not quite a marriage but close enough), an exhausting car accident, having to drop classes and readjust after the accident, moving, you name it- I’ve been through it in the past few months and it’s taken a toll on me. I haven’t allowed any of those circumstances to devour me or harden me indefinitely. But I have allowed them to distract me and have put off my school work until it’s now hanging in the balance.
My blog is not my top priority and several times per year I’ll do a systematic “soul cleanse”. I go away from all people, social networks (which I don’t do much of anyway- on purpose) and shut everything down and be very still. I take a personal inventory and reprioritize. I question my motives for everything. I believe the answers to these silent questions can only be found in exile- to some degree- even if for a few weeks.
But that’s not the case this time. I’m so far behind in my schoolwork, so I am going to exercise Operant Conditioning and a self-controlled reward system. My blog will be my incentive, and unless I catch up (and fast); I won’t be allowed to post. Anything.
My blog is a form of bleeding out. If a person doesn’t get out all of the garbage in a positive, healthy way, it will absolutely come out in a destructive way. And people get hurt that way. So, posting to my blog is definitely important to me; it keeps my “pen” sharp as well. But always, I blog for myself. I never feel like I’m “addressing an audience” when I write- I’ve been keeping a journal my whole life. I invite others to read it however, because I think we all give and take from one another in life: one man’s trash is another’s treasure, as the saying goes. One person may read something and roll his or her eyes in disgust, and another may wipe a tear away. It’s all subjective.
A temporary “blog-exile” will force me to kick my studies into high gear, because it’ll redirect most of my energy, time, attention, and focus to my schoolwork. I will be away for several weeks no doubt. That said, I’ll continue to support my fellow friends, artists, bloggers, writers, and acquaintances at WordPress, Redbubble, and Soaphoto (the 3 sites that I frequent) in art work, posts, emails, and other works.
Today, I have a 13 page questionnaire to complete (after having read 50 pages in Health Psychology) and then I’ll be summarizing the results, which will be another 8 or 9 page assignment, and I also have 40 pages to read in Earth Science (Metamorphism) a lab exercise to complete and an exam afterwards. After that, I must read two chapters in Public Speaking and complete a 13 question assignment- each question requires a full paragraph discussion.
And then there’s the many (many) pre-calculus problems, as in, hundreds of them and let’s not forget all of the formulas, e.g., distance formula, midpoint and slope-intercept forms,etc. That’s a bunch of joy waiting to happen.
Yep- I’ll return when I’ve caught up.
Adieu.
xo
Beauty for Ashes
I am so very grateful today, for amazing friends (and foes alike) who have dropped me to my knees in prayer in gratitude (and agony), breathing encouraging words into me through emails, chats, and such. I can’t express my gratitude properly, but I feel new life and new love springing out of my heart today, and I can’t believe how fast it’s happened.
To everyone who’s walked me through the broken glass in the past few days, and whispered truth and love (and shared your own stories of betrayal, heartache, and ultimately, forgiveness and love- regardless), please accept my collective THANK YOU. I love you guys, and although I’ve been emotionally devastated recently, every email and talk has been another stitch in my bloody heart. I’ve made it through the storm, and I can see the shine on the horizon. :0)
I know it’s not much, but I often say “thank you” and “I love you” with photos and art. I saw this peculiar string tied around a tree in the forest the other day. I don’t know the story behind it, but it made me smile, and strangely, filled me up with joy.
Thanks again, everyone.
I love you guys.
xo
Hypocrites and Vipers
Well I tell you. I have had it up to HERE with my hypocrite family. Guh. Where to start. I need to “talk”, obviously, and I prefer to blog, not to have “sayers”- I can say on my own. But when my cup of patience gets full, I bite the bullet and drink up. I shut up and drink up. I try to forgive and simply “shut up”, but sometimes it’s not time to shut up. Sometimes it’s time to tell a person that he or she is a frikking hypocrite.
I recently took my niece out for a day trip. She’s 11. I’m encouraging her to get into photography (and have for years) -she’s good. The kid’s got talent. :0) I’ve also been cooking with her for a number of years. She baked her first cake with me when she was only 5 or so. She was so proud of herself. I was proud of her too.
I took her (and my son, Brian, Bob,) to a Chinese buffet, then to Squire Boone Caverns on a cave tour, and then I gave her my Canon G3- that wasn’t easy to part with! It’s been my main camera for 5 years and a large part of my body of work was shot with that camera. But I love to give things away that are special to me- those close to me know that about me.
After that, I took her shopping and we cooked a surprise chicken dinner for her Mom and Dad (my brother and sister-in-law). When my sis-in-law came in to pick her up, we were still cooking. I saw things on her face that I immediately recognized as guilt from talking about me. Really? (Boy, can’t wait for this one.)
Let me just say, that I’ve been through the ringer with my family. We’re all “Christians” (and I use that term lightly, because that’s not a label you’re allowed to just “slap on yourself”- if you don’t act like one- don’t try to claim it) and well…for years my siblings have chewed me up and spit me out. It’s just the truth. I’ve barely been in church (not that they’re the scorekeeper by any means) but I’m considered the ‘black sheep” in my family. So be it, I don’t mind a bit.
But I’m also the one that takes care of my mother, and has for years. I’ve had to write letters to my siblings practically begging them to go and see her and care for her too. Yep- it’s true.
I’m well despised among my siblings and it’s been that way for years. I call ’em like I see ’em and if you act like a viper, I’m going to call you a viper. Don’t feed me your hypocritical BS and chew me up and spit me out all while doing a good “church show” for others. Really? Jesus called people like that a hypocrite. And, a viper.
Yeah. That’s true too.
Matthew 12:34
O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.
You can’t have an evil “overflow” and rail and gnash on your sister (me), and then dart your butt in the church door on Sunday morning (making sure everybody sees you- good and proper) for roll call. You’re a frikking hypocrite. Yeah- there it is- take your medicine.
After doing all of that with my niece, I was accused of talking to her about “family matters” (God forbid- the girl is 11) but you know- my family will take what they can get. Even if it’s contrived. Kangaroo-court BS.
My Dad was a very wise man in the way of God’s Word. He had special gifts in that area even. He told me that my brother would turn against me after he (my Dad) died. He told me that 26 years ago. Well, it certainly has happened. He usually hit the mark on those things. He wasn’t wrong this time.
I could hardly believe I was being accused of such trumped up BS by my siblings- is that all you got people, really? That I “talked to your kid about family matters” ?? Uh… I received an email several hours later telling me that they weren’t going to let me take my niece anymore. My crime? Taking her to Chinese, and a cave tour, and giving her my very special camera, and shopping with her, and cooking with her- and there wasn’t even a “thanks for that”- nah. Just an evil eye on my back. I never cease to marvel at the hatred in my family.
Here we go again. I don’t have to tolerate “evil people” gnawing on me in my life. Christian? Really? Nah… that’s not “Christian”. That’s just hateful. There’s a difference.
What it really boils down to is that I reproved several of my older siblings for not going and seeing our Mother for half a year (and shame on them for being so cold-hearted- that’s our Mother) and they immediately banded against me.
Christian?
Joseph’s brothers were “Christians” too, and they threw him into a deep pit, smeared some goat’s blood on a coat, and told their father that a wild beast ate him, after they sold him into slavery. They were bitterly envious that their father loved him more. My situation is not much different.
Yeah. Hypocrites.
Am I airing dirty laundry? Yeah.
Do I care? Nah.
You kick dirt in my face and you’ll probably end up in my blog. It’s my blog, and I can do that. It’s my therapy. I’ve actually had it up to (here) with people claiming to be Christians, and yet their hearts are stone cold, they have no love- none! But they put on a hell of a show on Sunday morning.
Hypocrites.
I think I’m done now.
I’ll be right as rain tomorrow.
m o n o c h r o m e j u n k i e † 